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| Posted by desiree on 10-Aug-2005 | The Pheasant's Special Dieta pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
???i would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,??? sighed the
pheasant, ???but i haven't got the energy.???
???well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings???? replied the bull.
???they're packed with nutrients.???
the pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. the next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. and so on.
finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
the moral of the story: bulls*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.
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| Posted by John C. Kober on 10-Aug-2005 | Golfer Goes to the Emergency RoomA man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her
ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked
over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
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| Posted by Teresa Adams on 10-Aug-2005 | VetA man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet
rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the
examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments
tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and
not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down
next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet
looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead
too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head
to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and
says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much
he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
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| Posted by virtual v. virtual on 10-Aug-2005 | Teacher's PetOn the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their
teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and
said, "I bet I know what it is ??” it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy storeowner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it
up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is ??” it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor storeowner's son. The teacher held it up and
saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
''What is it?"
"A puppy!"
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| Posted by Jeff L. Aho on 10-Aug-2005 | Gator BiteA guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator
up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his
mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer.
''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise not to hit me on
the head with the beer bottle."
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| Posted by MYK on 10-Aug-2005 | Walruses And Their TupperwareQ. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal!
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