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| Posted by lindsey on 14-Aug-2005 | The Pope and his chauffeurThe Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a
while.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back
of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95,
and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90
mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of
the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his
window.
The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to
call in.
" The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that
he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should
handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur
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| Posted by Kurt M. Pluck on 14-Aug-2005 | 50 Fun Things to Do at Wal-Mart1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to
join.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"
15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"
20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought
the customer was always right!"
21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
33. Take bets on the battle from above.
34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo.
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS*
1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without
getting kicked out.
2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you
can make.
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| Posted by Bradley H. Stanley on 14-Aug-2005 | Two Irishmen at a pubA man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if
he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you
from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did
you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint
Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at
the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are
drunk again."
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| Posted by super69 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Plummer's TruckOn a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
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| Posted by Zac C. Condie on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun Things to Do Anywhere1. Sit and stare at someone and don't stop staring.
2. Pick out someone to have a crush on then constantly stalk
them. (this one especially works....I've done it before! but I
actually have a crush on the person, hehe:)
3. When someone talks to you don't answer.
4. Whenever you get blamed for doing something sing "it wasn't
me"
5. If your at the mall walk around and ask people if they like
*N'sync or limp bizket and if the say "no" yell at the top of
your lungs "traitor!!!"
6. At the wishing pond watch people as they make wishes and
throw in money and when they do say to them "ok next time do it
with a little more OMPH"
7. If your out somewhere go to a pay phone and call your house
and act like your a sales person selling "washing machines"
8. If you have AIM make a ton of screen names and IM your
friends on all of them at once.
9. If your on an airplane yell BOMB!!! and then when they find
out there ain't a bomb say "oh, I thought I saw one fly by"
10. At burger king make a big deal out of weather you should
order either fries or onion rings.
11. In computer class tap the keys really hard.
12. At a grocery store every 5 minutes keep going back for the
sample bread until they tell u, you cant have no more.
13. In any public place keep on repeating "pika Pika!"
14. At the movies whenever a really funny part comes on laugh
REALLY loud and start to cough and then exclaim you cant breath.
15. If you sneak into the movies and 1 of the ushers ask for a
ticket stub start to look through your pockets for 1 then when u
cant find it say "I must have lost it"
16. At the hair solon after you get your hair cut scream at them
"you cut it too short! I'm going to sew!
17. At the hair solon after you are all done exclaim that said
you wanted your hair bleached and when they says you didn't,
argue with her/him.
18. Constantly sing "Dancing Queen"
19. Go to the mall and bring a pad of paper and a pencil with u
and ask people if they are Christians and if they aren't put a
tally mark under "People going to hell"
20. If you have your crushes phone # call them up and act like
someone from a different country.
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| Posted by A J Picozzi on 14-Aug-2005 | The Big Sissy!One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"
she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice
saying, "The big sissy."
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