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| Posted by Rachel S. Weissman on 14-Aug-2005 | The PresentOn the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and
said, "I bet I know what it is--it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" Shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is--it's a box of
candy!"
"That's right!" Shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it
up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and
tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" She
asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
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| Posted by Smiley Gal on 14-Aug-2005 | Drivers Liscence TestThe following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by
the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
'Guns don't kill people. I do.'
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving.
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
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| Posted by Hugo Limberskin on 14-Aug-2005 | My RadioThe following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a
junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to
the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read
it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you
with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to
know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness
to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never
let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into
a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if
she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
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| Posted by cutybug on 14-Aug-2005 | The Fig LeafA male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The
place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As
the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I
please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the
pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you
should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered
by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs
and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out
and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to
the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the
place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely
quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink
too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on
the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
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| Posted by Luis F. Tefonse on 14-Aug-2005 | City Boy FarmingThere was this city boy out on a vacation in the country. He's driving
along when he notices a farm house. He pulls in the driveway and goes to
the door and says, "I was driving on the road and I noticed you had some
cottonwood trees and I was wondering if I could go and pick some cotton?"
The farmer says, "Boy everybody knows you can't pick cotton from
cottonwood trees." The cityboy asks, "Well do you mind if I try?" The
farmer said, "No, I don't mind." So an hour later the city boy knocks on
the door and says, "Thank you, I picked you a basket and me a basket."
The nexted day the city boy came back and says, "Yesterday when I was
picking cotton, I couldn't help but notice that you had some honeysuckle
and I was wondering if I could get some honey?" The farmer says, "Boy
everyone knows that you can't get honey from honeysuckle!" The city boy
asks, "Do you mind if I try?" And the farmer says, "No, I don't mind." So
an hour later, a knock on the door theere's the city boy with two barrles
of honey, and he says, "I got enough for you and me."
The next day the city boy comes back and says, "Yesterday, I couldn't help
but notice that you had some pussywillows and..." The farmer interrupts,
"Hold on, I'm coming with you!"
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| Posted by Nicole T on 14-Aug-2005 | The CompetitionThe LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them all a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try and
catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exsist.
The FBI now goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
racoon. The racoon is yelling, "Okay, Okay!!! Im a rabbit, Im a rabbit!"
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