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| Posted by David G. Romriell on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 11 Side Effects of a Life in Comedy11. Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo meets Teller" routine is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.
10. Social status one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.
9. People always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"
8. Wizenheimer's Syndrome
7. You laugh on the outside, but inside harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.
6. Instead of crow's-feet, you get punchlines.
5. Have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."
4. The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.
3. Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.
2. You live in constant fear that your friends will discover your inflatable Ernie Kovacs doll.
1. Everything tastes funny.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Gary Sexton on 14-Aug-2005 | Confucius Say . . .Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
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| Posted by Recai Yalgin on 14-Aug-2005 | Dr. Seuss's Lesser Known Books1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Thorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Need A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff
17. The Grinch's Ten Inches
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician (Part II) |
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| Posted by sarah gascoigne on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician (Part II)13> "Put your hands together for Dildo the Magnificent!"
12> Novel as it may be, pulling a hat out of a rabbit just plain scares the kids.
11> Trick #1 -- the disappearing pants!
10> Seems genuinely amused every time he pulls a quarter out of your ass.
9> He calmly announces that "any animal lovers in the crowd should probably leave the room for the next few tricks."
8> Saws the lady in half, then tells the kids that only "money from mommy's purse" can make her whole again.
7> At first you though an anal retentive magician would be funny, but who wants to see a guy saw a woman into 259 slices of unvarying width?
6> Turns out his patented "pounding a woman in half" trick is XXX rated.
5> During intermission, she made your 15-year-old son's virginity disappear.
4> All of his "tricks" are written in C++.
3> Keeps telling your daughter, "It's not the size of the wand that matters, it's the magic in it."
2> His version of "The Disappearing Dove" requires a can of Crisco and a latex glove.
1> Sure, the rabbit-from-the-beret thing was cute, but The Great Lewinsky's "Magic Stain" trick was downright gross.
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():top list jokes (540): Signs the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty |
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| Posted by Scotman23 on 14-Aug-2005 | Signs the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along eitherside become too steep for crew to climb.
11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5: Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".
3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.
2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
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| Posted by Dan Smee on 14-Aug-2005 | Some favorite Redundancies* added bonus
* exactly right
* closed fist
* future potential
* inner core
* money-back refund
* seeing the sights
* true fact
* revert back
* safe haven
* prior history
* young children
* time period
* sum total
* end result
* temper tantrum
* ferryboat
* free gift
* bare naked
* combined total
* unique individual
* potential hazard
* joint cooperation
* total abstinence
* subject matter
* honest truth
* join together
* general public
* harbinger of things to come
* new initiative
* audible gasp
* advance warning
* execution-style killing
* future plans
* gather together
* lag behind
* manual dexterity
* occasional irregularity
* outer rim
* plan ahead
* basic fundamentals
* first time ever
* personal friend
* shrug one's shoulders
* bond together
* close proximity
* ATM machine (it stands for automatic teller MACHINE)
* PIN number (it stands for personal identification NUMBER)
* coequal
* common bond
* small minority
* serious crisis
* personal belongings
* security guard
* time clock
* foreign imports
* exact same
* continue on
* focus on
* convicted felon
* past experience
* consensus of opinion
* finished product
* schoolteacher
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