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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Changes in the New, Mature Madonna |
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| Posted by Leah Cu on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Changes in the New, Mature Madonna12. "Like a virgin?" Yeah, right. How 'bout "Like ten pounds off my lard ass?"
11. "Shanghai Surprise" now the name of her entry in the Pillsbury Bake-Off.
10. Stopped ordering unwanted pizzas to Janet Jackson's home.
9. Now only stalked by Danny from the Diaper Service.
8. Old book: "Sex" New book: "Tupperware"
7. Much easier for paparazzi to follow a mini-van going 16mph with a stuck turn signal.
6. When she appears on talk shows and swears like a construction worker, she now adds, "Pardon my f**kin' French."
5. Spends less time trying to defy critics, more time trying to defy gravity.
4. Hasn't yet slept with new personal trainer, Richard Simmons.
3. Out: Warren Beatty In: Ned Beatty
2. Wears new 18-Hour Underwire Cone Nursing Bra with Child Safety Caps.
1. The Christian Coalition has downgraded her from "Dangerous Slut" to "Has a Good Beat."
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by jordan on 14-Aug-2005 | Mommy, mommy...Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gram ma off the doorknob!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! The milkman's here;
Have you got the money or should I go out an play?
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!
Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her up three times this week.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear. Billy! Let go of her ear! All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor
Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
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| Posted by Darrick R. Adams on 14-Aug-2005 | If 99.9% Were Good Enough, then ...Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
11,000 faulty rolls of 35mm film will be loaded this year.
22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next 60 minutes
1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunication services every minute.
12 babies will be given to the wrong parents each day.
268,500 defective tires will be shipped this year.
14,208 defective PCs will be shipped this year.
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year.
2,488,200 books will be shipped in the next 12 months with the wrong cover.
5,517,200 cases of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will be flatter than a bad tire.
Two plane landings daily at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago will be unsafe.
3,065 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections.
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour.
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly this year.
$9,690 will be spent today, tomorrow, next Thursday, and every day in the future on defective, often unsafe sporting equipment.
55 malfunctioning automatic teller machines will be installed in the next 12 months.
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written in the next 12 months.
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped this year.
$761,900 will be spent in the next 12 months on tapes and CDs that won't play.
107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of the day today.
315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language will turn out to be misspelled.
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| Posted by aaaaa a. aaaaaaaaa on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Least Popular Candy Heart Sayings13. STD FREE
12. UR A WEASEL
11. BE OURS
10. SOY BOMB
9. TONGUE ME
8. BE MY INTERN
7. LOVE?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, "LOVE"? I SPEND 12 HOURS A DAY CARVING THESE STUPID SAYINGS ON THESE STUPID HEARTS AND YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT LOVE?!?
6. HAIRY CHEST
5. I STALK U
4. ASS FLAVORED!
3. GOT CRABS?
2. R THOSE REAL?
1. VIAGRA 100MG
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com]
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| Posted by JonHui666 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Surprise Oscar Nominations13. Best Supporting Performance -- (TIE) Catherine Zeta Jones's bra in "The Mask of Zorro" and Salma Hayek's bra in "54"
12. Dan Quayle Continuing-Butt-Of-The-Joke Award -- Pauly Shore
11. Best Use of a "Beard" -- Tom Cruise
10. Best Endorsement of Button-Fly Jeans -- Ben Stiller, "There's Something About Mary"
9. Best Attempt to Convince the Public That *Anyone* Actually Watches MSNBC -- "Deep Impact"
8. Excessive Perkiness Most Likely to Cause Diabetes -- Meg Ryan
7. Best Exaggerated Use of Abundant Cleavage -- Jennifer Love Hewitt
6. Special Texas Chainsaw Massacre Memorial Award for Special Effects -- "Saving Private Ryan"
5. Best Ongoing Celebrity Scam -- The accountants from Price-Waterhouse are sad to report that they cannot reveal the winner in this category due to an injunction from the Church of Scientology.
4. Most Improved Appearance When Depicted as a Cartoon Insect -- Woody Allen
3. Best Performance by a Sharpei -- Walter Mathau
2. Most Successful Combination of Male Nightmares in a Movie Title -- "Shakespeare in Love"
1. Best Product Placement -- America Online in "You've Got Mail"
Best Product, um, Placement -- Ben Stiller's goo in "There's Something About Mary"
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek |
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| Posted by Jon R. Markman on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number
9.) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T. J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
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