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Fortune Cookies

• Try a new system or different approach.
• How you look depends on where you go.
• He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
• You will be called to fill a position of high honor and responsibility.
• There is yet time enough for you to take a different path.
• You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
• You will travel far and wide, for both pleasure and business.
• Follow a hunch about improving your position.
• A vacation by the sea is in store for you soon.
• To see others, you must only watch; to see yourself, you must look.
• You are interested in public service and would make an outstanding statesman.
• You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
• You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
• Your energy is at a peak. Channel it into fun activities.
• Now is a good time to start something new.
• You are bright. So give out that light!
• Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
• Finding exotic uses for what others ignore will make your special fortune.
• Someone thinks you are very special and lets you know it.
• Share excitement with your best friends as you all run away for the weekend.
• You have many personal talents that are attractive to others.
• The most important things in life are not things.
• An aura of glamour and mystery surrounds your events of the week.
• Your pet project gains seal of approval from an influential friend.
• An important visitor will vow complete support.
• You will receive credit long overdue.
• Love will come looking for you.
• Anyone who makes a blanket statement is a fool.
• Happiness and good fortune will come to you soon.
• You have the ability to make lifelong friends.
• Live each day to the fullest.
• You have an optimistic outlook on life, for very good reason.
• Cooperate with those who have both know-how and money.
• Any active moves you make tomorrow will succeed.
• The path to enlightenment requires open eyes and willing feet.
• Remain resolute and unwavering toward your goals.
• Helping others can become a satisfying way of life.
• Your Yin and your Yang are in harmony.
• Wise men learn much from fools.
• Prayers are always answered eventually.
• Your future will be easier to digest than this cookie.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• The sooner you get behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• The only constant since the beginning of time is change.
• Those who speak loudest always have the least to say.
• Time exists solely to prevent everything from happening at once.
• Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
• Malice is stupidity raised to a higher power.
• Put off procrastinating till a later time.
• It's easier to curse a candle than to light the darkness.
• Moderation in all things should be practiced sparingly.
• People who spout platitudes have attitudes that allow no latitude.
• You will be unusually successful in business.
• You are generous, affectionate and impulsive.
• Keep your schedule flexible to handle the unexpected.
• You should be able to undertake and complete anything.
• Pray for what you want, but work for the things you need.
• Good health is a man's best wealth.
• You will step on the soil of many countries.
• You are entering a time of great promise and overdue rewards.
• You will soon gain something you have always wanted.
• Avert misunderstandings by calm, poise and balance.
• You need not worry about your future.
• You will be showered with good luck.
• If you can shape it in your mind, you will find it in your life.
• You have creative power to achieve your aim.
• You will succeed, but wait for the opportune moment.
• The physician heals; nature makes well.
• Try to clear up differences with associates.
• You will soon be holding the lucky number.
• You will make a change for the better.
• Sell your ideas - they are totally acceptable.
• There is no way of judging the future but by the past.
• You will be singled out for promotion.
• Adopt a confident, positive attitude and others will climb on your bandwagon.
• The coming month shall bring winds of change in your life.
• A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
• You have a natural grace and great consideration for others.
• You will witness a special ceremony.
• Confucius say: Angel with wings not so hot as angel with arms.
• A short trip is favored at this time.
• You will be offered a high executive position with an attractive salary.
• You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.
• You are deeply attached to your family and home.
• Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
• You are faithful in the execution of any public trust.
• Whatever your desires are, for the present decline them.
• You long to see the great pyramids in Egypt.
• You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
• You will be an honored guest at a pleasant social occasion.
• You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
• Confucius say: make sure words touch wisdom tooth on way out of mouth.
• Your business superiors have you in mind for a promotion.
• Add to your understanding of foreign art and culture.
• An emptiness soon will be filled.
• You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you.
• Too much confidence has deceived many a one.
• Your partner will be proud of you.
• You should be pleased with answers you are given now.
• Good news will come to you from far away.
• Good news will come to you from close at hand.
• You are heading for a land of sunshine.
• You will soon have an opportunity to make a change to your advantage.
• The color red will be important to you.
• You will receive a favor or kindness from someone.
• It is good to be neither high nor low. Come easy, go easy.
• Don't let doubt and suspicion bar your progress.
• Consolidate rather than expand business projects in the near future.
• You can breeze through most of the day.
• You will pass a difficult test that will make you happier.
• Blue eyes shall bring happiness as deep as the seas.
• Answer just what your heart prompts you.
• You can solve your problem if you exert yourself.
• Be tactful; overlook not your own opportunity.
• Children could contribute to your cheerfulness.
• Your genuine talent will find its way to success.
• He asks advice in vain who will not follow it.
• Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress.
• You will dance to a different beat next summer.
• Be the first to try something new.
• A woman who seeks to be equal to men lacks ambition.
• Idleness is the holiday of fools.
• A beautiful woman is a paradise to the eyes and a curse to the purse.
• You will visit some faraway land that has long been in your waking thoughts.
• Deception in romance will prove costly.
• Things just get curiouser and curiouser.
• Have you had your reality check today? Don't worry, it's in the mail.
• Happiness isn't all it's cracked up to be.
• Nothing is better than happiness, but a ham sandwich is better than nothing.
• Love will come looking for you, with an angry spouse.
• Reality will be less painful than usual today.
• Reality is the leading cause of stress, for those in touch with it.
• Life to you is a series of dashing and adventurous crises.
• Any problem in your home can be fixed, except that leaking faucet.
• Cooperate with those who have both know-how and bail money.
• Any active moves you make tomorrow will backfire, so stay home.
• The path to enlightenment requires a flashlight with fresh batteries.
• The secret of life is...I can't tell you. It's a secret.
• Remain resolute and unwavering when shirking your duty.
• Somewhere is lurking a hailstone that has your name on it.
• Your emotional ties aren't color coordinated with your suits.
• Threatening forces oppose your move to Cleveland.
• A libertarian, immoral society is enticing you to excesses. Enjoy.
• Your Yin and your Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
• If at first you don't exceed, try, try again.
• To err is human, to forgive is unlikely.
• It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it.
• If justice rules the universe, we are all in trouble.
• There ain't no such thing as a free lunch, unless you own the restaurant.
• Wise men learn much from fools. Wise guys don't.
• You will live in interesting times and, if lucky, survive them.
• Prayers are always answered. The answer is usually no.
• The race is not always to the swift, but that's the way to bet.
• The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge.
• A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.
• Someday your ship will come in, but you'll be at the airport.
• A bird in the hand can be messy.

Actual Bumper Stickers

• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
• If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• Born free... taxed to death.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
• There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
• I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
• So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
• Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
• Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
• I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
• If, a two letter word for futility
• I don't care, I don't have to.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• All men are idiots ... I married their king.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
• Give pizza chants.
• Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
• This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
• How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
• If something goes without saying, LET IT!
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
• Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
• IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
• Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole.
• Life's a buffet... so eat me!
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
• Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
• I love cats ... dead ones
• I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Keep honking, I'm reloading.
• Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
• Hang up and drive.
• Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
• I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Tow-ers will be violated
• Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
• Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• Meat is yummy!
• Mean people rule!
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• Born again pagan.
• God must love stupid people, he made so many.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
• So many recipes, so few cats.
• Cats... the other white meat.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
• There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
• Save a mouse... Eat pussy!
• P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
• Wink, I'll do the rest!
• Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• When there's a will, I want to be in it!
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• I love animals...they're delicious.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
• Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
• Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
• Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I souport publik edekasion
• hoket on foniks werked fur me
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
• 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
• I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

How to be Annoying

• Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
• Drum on every available surface.
• Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
• Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
• Set alarms for random times.
• Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
• Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
• Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
• Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
• Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
• Light road flares on a birthday cake.
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
• Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
• Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
• Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
• Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• Drive half a block.
• Name your dog "Dog".
• Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
• Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
• Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
• Sing along at the opera.
• Mow your lawn with scissors.
• Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".
• Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
• Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Never break eye contact.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Invite lots of people to other people's parties.