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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Signs It's Been a VERY Cold Winter |
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| Posted by Edward Haskett on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Signs It's Been a VERY Cold Winter12> Richard Hatch starts wearing a Speedo.
11> You momentarily consider taking refuge in a theater showing a David Arquette movie.
10> You tried to write your name in the snow and it took the fire department and four ambulances to get you free.
9> You've lost half a dozen friends to trip-and-shatter accidents.
8> Look at that photo of Janet Jackson *very* closely.
7> Donald Trump's hair is re-zoned as a homeless shelter.
6> Strangely, you don't mind sleeping next to Hillary.
5> It's a downright relief to be in a nice, warm jail cell compared to that icy spider-hole.
4> That's no lawn ornament -- that's the paperboy!
3> Fire department rescues of people stuck to metal poles were up 40% in schoolyards and 75% in strip joints.
2> Your door has been blocked by snow for three weeks, and you live on the third floor. In Phoenix.
1> Your testicles just sent you a postcard from Miami.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 25 Things on Martha Stewart's To-Do List |
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| Posted by Lucy G. Van Pelt on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 25 Things on Martha Stewart's To-Do List25> Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.
24> Start marketing new "Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope."
23> Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.
22> Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.
21> Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.
20> Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.
19> Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.
18> Berate domestic staffers while I still can.
17> Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.
16> Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.
15> Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.
14> Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.
13> Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal's probably cold in the morning.
12> Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.
11> Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.
10> Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.
9> Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!
8> Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.
7> Start work on new book: "Minimum Security With Maximum Flair."
6> Ask Rosie how to say "I'm not interested" in Lesbianese.
5> Remember... Outside: "And that's a GOOD thing!" Inside: "Shit be da bomb, yo!"
4> Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.
3> Roll around in a huge friggin' pile of money one last time before going off to jail.
2> Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.
1> Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Things Overheard at Post-Oscar Parties |
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| Posted by JOHNWILLY on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Things Overheard at Post-Oscar Parties15> "Hey there's Oprah! And there's Uma! I wonder if they know each other."
14> "The girls? They're in the bathroom doing Botox."
13> "Once again: We enter through the left kitchen door and exit through the right kitchen door. Got that, Mr. Guttenberg?"
12> "How on earth did you get Michael Jackson to baby-sit for you tonight?"
11> "Come quick! Weinstein challenged Peter Jackson to a winner-gets-the-Oscar shrimp-eating contest!"
10> "Wasn't he the Baldwin brother who promised to leave the country?"
9> "No, I missed the call for that one. But my agent thinks he can get me into the porno version, 'The Passion of the Crotch.'"
8> "Go ahead, punk... make my drink."
7> "It's your own fault, Charlize. What did you expect when Winona Ryder offered to hold your Oscar while you went to the ladies' room?"
6> "Look! It's Roberto Benigni! I told you there would be valet parking!"
5> "I've seen your movie hundreds of times and you were excellent. But you're still not getting in, Ms. Hilton."
4> "You know, Miss Castle-Hughes, you can be a real bitch when you're hammered."
3> "Here he comes. Now remember, every time he calls that damn thing 'my preciousss,' we all drink a shot."
2> "Somebody pass the pliers! Renee's eyes are stuck shut again!"
1> "Don't go into the men's room for a few minutes -- I just took a huge Gigli."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs You're NOT the Funniest Person in America |
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| Posted by Candy Dee on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You're NOT the Funniest Person in America15> All your monologues begin with "Death to the infidels!"
14> Every time you start a "knock knock" joke, Simon Cowell pops out of the bushes and kicks you in the crotch.
13> You still can't understand why your "women are like vector calculus, but men are like tensor analysis" routine doesn't crack 'em up every time.
12> You're opening for Yakov Smirnoff. In Branson. For his Monday morning show.
11> You pioneered the joke format of Setup, Punch, Explanation, Apology.
10> Your Sam Kinnison impersonation not only failed to get you any laughs, it forced you to concede the democratic presidential bid to John Kerry.
9> The subject line of all your e-mails: "FWD: FWD: FWD: LOL!"
8> You're still working on that "Viagra rhymes with Niagara" gag you caught a teasing glimpse of two years ago.
7> Your copyrighted signature catch-phrase is "Get it?"
6> Although there's a humorous anecdote or two to be gleaned from forgetting to set your alarm clock and missing your flight, "Abu, the 20th Hijacker" keeps getting his ass kicked at open-mike night.
5> The trick boutonniere on your lapel is connected to your urinary catheter.
4> Your funniest bit involves snarky responses to a cease-and-desist letter from Worldwide Pants, but your attorney won't let you post it on your lame-ass Web site.
3> Your "watch me pull a baby out of this vagina" joke is just creepy.
2> Your new WB sitcom pilot was responsible for the first-ever Laugh Tracks Union strike.
1> Your "homage to Gallagher" involves a huge mallet and live puppies.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Signs You're the Unluckiest Person on Earth |
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| Posted by Anita Bath on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs You're the Unluckiest Person on Earth14> Your first major coup as VP of marketing at Gap Kids was to sign Michael Jackson to a 10-year deal.
13> You were married to a drunk Britney Spears for seven hours and still didn't get any.
12> Sure, your unit captured Saddam -- but guess who had to do the body cavity search?
11> The officer might have stopped after citing you for DUI, drug possession and public nudity had his daughter not fallen out of your back seat.
10> It turns out that great new government job you landed last year only pays you for the WMD you actually find.
9> You choked to death on pudding.
8> You find a four-leaf clover by the side of the hiking trail, but you can't pick it because an angry grizzly bear just tore off both of your arms.
7> You supported the 2000 Gore campaign from the money you got selling your Halliburton shares.
6> You followed your friend's advice, despite it being both difficult *and* illegal, yet your new rabbi's foot hasn't changed your fortunes one bit.
5> You and Adam Sandler can't be in the same room for fear of causing a cataclysmic explosion.
4> Your diet candy, Ayds, mysteriously hit the skids in the '80s, but now you're on the comeback trail, marketing a zesty new soda called Sarr's.
3> At the end of your rainbow, you find an empty pot surrounded by leprechauns passed out in pools of whisky vomit.
2> It's been almost a year, but you still haven't received any royalty checks for your best-selling autobiography, "12-Time Identity Theft Victim."
1> There may be only a few months remaining for you to enjoy the sweet scents of innocent youth -- and your nose keeps falling off.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs You Live in the World's Dumbest Town |
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| Posted by Pat Kingsley on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You Live in the World's Dumbest Town15> Mayor Ryan Seacrest emcees the yearly Village Idiot festival.
14> You celebrate the Fourth of July in May, when the weather is nicer.
13> Anyone can easily bypass security at City Hall by dressing like Mayor McCheese.
12> The high school valedictorian? Jessica Simpson.
11> The locals don't believe in the teaching of education in the schools.
10> Schools and offices close on the third Monday in January to commemorate "Billie Jean King Day."
9> Revitalization hopes seem to be pinned on the planned TopFive Stadium.
8> Despite protests from the community theater folks, the city council recently banned thespian weddings.
7> The town's pride and joy: the world's only aquatic sports center/waste treatment plant.
6> Standardized tests suggest that the entire population does disgusting things with pencils.
5> Half the citizens are still preparing for Y2K, "just in case."
4> Despite 857 deaths in the past decade, St. Patrick's Day is still celebrated by leaving all the traffic lights on green.
3> Town stationery bears the official slogan: "Proud Birthplace of Woody Harrelson."
2> In the 2000 presidential election, the entire population mistakenly cast their votes for Rutherford B. Hayes.
1> This week's double feature at the Bijou: "Dumb and Dumber" and "Dumb and Dumber."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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