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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Signs the Year of the Rabbit Has Begun |
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| Posted by CuTiE BaBiE on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Signs the Year of the Rabbit Has Begun12> Glenn Close's corpse found floating in a hot tub.
11> Always a line for carrots in the produce section.
10> "Another Oscar? For me? Doc, you shouldn't have!"
9> Time's Men of the Year: Prince Charles and Ross Perot
8> Within a week of each other, Bob Guccione and Larry Flynt both meet an untimely demise.
7> Cocoa Puffs and Raisinets. Everywhere you look, Cocoa Puffs and Raisinets.
6> Kids start wearing their ears long and droopy.
5> Dozens of checks voided after "Year of the Rat" written in the date.
4> Much better TV reception.
3> You're overcome by an incredible urge to mate indiscriminately and produce as many offspring as possible. (Or was that the Year Of The NBA Player?)
2> Scientists in the Mary Kay testing lab getting laid off by the dozen.
1> A desperate Al Stewart is forced to use the word "dagnabbit" in a rhyme.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Fermatta Aolcom on 14-Aug-2005 | THE TOP 14 REASONS WE'RE SHOUTING!!!14> A DINGO ATE MY BABY!
13> IT WOULD HAVE WORKED IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!
12> TOO HARD TO GET MAHIR THE TURKISH LOVER'S ATTENTION IN ANY OTHER MANNER!
11> BECAUSE TEARS FOR FEARS SAID SO!
10> HAVE TO BE HEARD OVER THE SCREECH OF THOSE IDIOTS STILL ACCESSING THE INTERNET OVER TRADITIONAL PHONE LINES!
9> MY POINT OF VIEW IS MY GIFT TO THE WORLD.
8> MAYBE THE FOREIGNERS WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING BETTER!!
7> BECAUSE *YOUR* BRAIN IS HARD-OF-THINKING.
6> I TOLD HER I WAS A TOP5 CONTRIBUTOR AND IT GOT ME LAID!!!!
5> I'M TYPING FROM DOWNTOWN BAGHDAD!
4> MYU TYPIGNG SUX BAD ENUF W/O HABVING 2 HIT THW SHJIDFT KEY111.
3> JUST THINK OF ME AS A PISSED-OFF E E CUMMINGS.
2> SO ASHCROFT CAN HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR OVER THE WIRETAP.
1> YOU NEED TO SHOUT TO BE HEARD WHEN YOUR HEAD IS UP YOUR BUTT.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways to Describe How Someone Likes Their Coffee |
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| Posted by Tim Brand on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways to Describe How Someone Likes Their Coffee15> He likes his Irish coffee like he likes his women: loaded with whiskey.
14> He likes his coffee like he likes his strippers: scalding hot and in his lap.
13> He likes his coffee like a major league catcher likes his privates: in a large, strong cup.
12> I like my coffee like I like my recently deceased Chihuahua: stored in the freezer to lock in freshness.
11> He likes his coffee like a baby likes fruit juice in a bottle: sweet, spill-resistant and something to occupy the mouth when no naked breasts are around.
10> I like my coffee like I like surrealist humor: giraffe.
9> He likes his coffee like he likes his one-night stands: stale, bitter, smoking like a chimney, with a butt-ugly mug.
8> I like my coffee like I like my women: hot. Of course, the difference is I can actually *get* hot coffee.
7> I like my coffee like I like my meddlesome neighbors: ground into tiny bits.
6> She likes her coffee like divorce attorneys like their clients: very rich, very bitter and with lots of grounds.
5> I like my coffee like I like my sex: cheap and frothy, from a girl in a green apron.
4> I like my coffee like Jacko likes his playmates: sweet, aged 8 years and covered with half-and-half.
3> He likes his coffee like he likes his flatulence: made from the finest beans, rich enough to smell from across the room and satisfying to the last "Ah-h-h-h!"
2> She likes her coffee like she likes her Iraqi information ministry: chock full o' nuts.
1> I like my coffee like Maria Myerson, a girl in fifth grade who gave every boy except me a Valentine, even though I had written her love poems in my own blood every day -- ruining me for life, that ungrateful skank prosti-- um, sorry... cold, with a bitter aftertaste.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Jay Leenerts on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs the Glass Is Half Empty14> Your uncle passed away and named you as the sole heir -- to his dotcom stock.
13> You've written some of the world's greatest slams of Carrot Top, but Carrot Top himself is probably humping a model in the back of his Escalade somewhere in Malibu right *now*.
12> Despite your thirst, you can't even drink the half that's there, due to your biohazard mask.
11> Your wife finally agrees to have cosmetic surgery -- for breast *reduction*.
10> Olsen twins' "wetland areas" are "now open for drilling," but the girls aren't interested in your tubby old ass.
9> You ask your Magic 8-Ball 1,000 questions and get the same answer 1,000 times: "Prospects look dim."
8> You finally confirmed that it's your wife, not you, who is infertile -- by impregnating your mistress.
7> Getting that Ph.D. in physics dimmed your hopes of traveling back in time to nail Lana Turner.
6> You got everyone to hate the French even more than they already did, but the U.N. still won't vote to let you invade Paris.
5> Ringo is still alive.
4> Your wife's conservatism in the bedroom seemed quaintly charming until you saw her in an ad for the "Freakbang '02" video.
3> Your grandparents admit that you have it tougher than they ever did.
2> You've found a top-notch chef just in time for the grand opening of your new restaurant, "Vive La France."
1> You drop into your escape tunnel under the palace just in time to hear Alan Jackson music coming from the other end.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned at Melrose Place |
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| Posted by Ronald A. Court on 14-Aug-2005 | All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned at Melrose Place1.) All women are size 6 or smaller.
2.) There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters).
5.) No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture appears in the opening credits.
6.) All physicians are also trained psychiatrists.
7.) Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael tried to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael, Amanda and Bobby Paresi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly tried to kill the whole cast).
8.) In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to chief of staff in 2 seasons.
9.) In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from receptionist to VP in 2 episodes.
10.) You don't need to be legally sane to practice medicine.
11.) You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA (Richard) will still hire you.
12.) If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE bandage.
13.) When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair back to shoulder length.
14.) When the highlight of your week is the "scenes for next week", it's time to go out and get a life.
- You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist at a doctor's office.
- You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long as you fall on top of another body.
- Once you sleep with one sibling, you'll sleep with every other sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian guy/Sydney/Jane).
- If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be the person who has visited the building least often.
- You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within one month after your release from a mental hospital.
- Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks about it again.
- A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can be cured not by therapy, but by embarrassing your father at a barbecue.
- There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles.
- Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your roots show after bleaching it.
And the most important lesson:
- Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy Award nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television.
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| Posted by Sam Malone on 14-Aug-2005 | Life Lessons from learned from Melrose Place1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straight jacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
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