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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 13 Reasons You Didn't Win the Halloween Costume Contest (Part II) |
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| Posted by soccerlegs on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Reasons You Didn't Win the Halloween Costume Contest (Part II)13. After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.
12. Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.
11. The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
10. "Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??" 10. Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that `ig at the Quayle house.
9. Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.
8. Since few people have actually *seen* the Top 5 List moderator, they can't possibly see the authenticity of the drooling and the strong body odor.
7. Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.
5. Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
4. You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
3. In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?
2. Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
1. Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 *Other* Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman |
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| Posted by Derek N. Wallbank on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 *Other* Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.
6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Henry Alarcon on 14-Aug-2005 | Skiing TipsThis is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
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| Posted by roderick brown on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Worst Things About Autumn
14> Cold mornings followed by hot afternoons leave your nipples exhausted.
13> Too cold to have the AC running all the time and still too warm to keep those bodies in the crawl space from going ripe.
12> Death. Death surrounds us, infuses the air with its foul presence, sucks life from once-breathing limbs, colors the sky a putrefying grey. Also, ski accessories get marked WAY up.
11> Confused young men have no idea where to turn their fancy.
10> Dennis Rodman's hair turns from yellow to red.
9> Martha Stewart's recipes always seem to feature phallic-shaped squash, sliced.
8> Annoying shrieks of the leaves as they hurtle toward the ground -- or am *I* the only one who hears these?
7> Terry Bradshaw starts talking, and doesn't stop until late January.
6> Chicago Cubs already mathematically eliminated from *next* year's baseball playoffs.
5> Getting a bit chilly for the old raincoat trick.
4> Classic rock radio's moronic "Zeptember" gives way to even more idiotic "Rocktober."
3> Like the autumn leaves, that pair of underwear you've been wearing every day this summer begins to change to golden browns and yellows.
2> End of the summer state fair season means members of The Marshall Tucker Band once again begin roaming the neighborhood looking for grub.
1> Exploding fragmentation pumpkins (Montana only).
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Jamie G. Snell on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Hip Hop Holiday Songs20> Deck the Hoz
19> Gift-Wrapper's Delight
18> Grandma Got Run Over by an Escalade
17> Slay Ride
16> Frosty Da Blow Man
15> Here We Come A-Wizzassaillzzin'
14> We Three Pimps
13> Police Navidad
12> I Saw Daddy Capping Santa's Ass
11> Blingle Bells
10> I'dlay Maria
9> All I Want for Christmas is My Two Gold Teeth
8> Angels We Have Heard While High
7> Jingle Bell Glock
6> We Wish You a Ludacrismas
5> O Lil' Kim of Bethlehem
4> Hood King Wenceslas
3> Violent Night
2> Baby Got Socks
1> Whose Kid Is This, Bitch?!?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Enobmort Edils on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Rejected Christmas Toy Ideas
15> Box O' Nails! (Now with glass!)
14> Sit 'n Spin Rotisserie
13> The Junior Daredevil loosely assembled bicycle
12> Marge Schott's Real American Super See 'n' Say
11> Lincoln's Logs (Learn about the digestive system *and* our 16th President!)
10> The Drunken Daddy Playset (with a six-pack of "beer" and a stained undershirt)
9> Larry King action figure
8> The Kurt Cobain Dead Rock Star Game (Land on the wrong space and Kurt's brains are everywhere!)
7> Radio Shack High Voltage Experiment Center
6> Uno Bomber Action Card Game
5> Drill Sgt. Larry, with lifelike PantsDrop(tm) action
4> The Waiting For Godot Action Playset
3> My First Breathalyzer
2> Fondle Me Jacko
1> "Poke-Your-Eye-Out Stick" by Wham-O
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996, 2003 by Chris White ]
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