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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Rejected Global Disaster Movie Premises |
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| Posted by I don't have a penis on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Rejected Global Disaster Movie Premises13. "Mitzi the Kitten Goes Postal"
12. "Armageddon '98" -- A giant chunk of Bill Gates's wallet breaks loose and threatens to destroy the earth!
11. "Starring Kevin Costner!"
10. A gigantic bolt of inter-stellar chintz hurtles toward to earth threatening to drape the entire planet in *last* year's color.
9. "Coffee Shortage!"
8. Mysterious geological forces speed up the Earth's rotation, flinging everybody off into space -- except a group of research scientists in Antarctica, who just get incredibly dizzy.
7. "Acnephobia" -- Where will the next one pop up?!
6. "Starbuck Wars" -- Luke Warmwater uses the Dark Roast to save the galaxy from over-priced espresso
5. "Flat Grape Fanta!"
4. "Parmageddon" -- Desperate chefs race to prepare a mammoth bowl of pasta to thwart a mile-wide cheese boulder hurtling toward Earth.
3. "The Day the List Stood Still"
2. "Killer Bugs" -- Handsome computer programmers endure 12 hour work days, risking Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, to save Earth (and a group of buxom supermodels) from deadly bugs from Galaxy Y2K.
1. Fran Drescher in: "Megaphone!"
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| Posted by yazziegurl on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs You're at a Bad Air Show14. It's running way behind schedule after 2 1/2 hours of blimp stunt flying.
13. While loop-de-looping over the audience, the "Amazing Olestra Wingwalker" leaves some accidental "vapor trails."
12. Highlight of show is flyover by TelStar Model XC29-3 Communications Satellite .
11. The only Stealth Bomber is someone in the crowd who obviously had a burrito for lunch.
10. You're watching the show from a ski-gondola in the Italian Alps.
9. "Blue Angels" run around the runway with their arms out in a line making motor noises with their lips.
8. Low-flying daredevil aerobatics accompanied by the lilting strains of "Rocky Mountain High."
7. For the kids: free balloon rides with master balloonist Steve Fossett.
6. Hey! Is that a rope around Peter Pan's waist?
5. Final score: Girl Scout Skeet Shooting Team 3, Blue Angels 0
4. "Fifi the Wing-Walking Poodle" has tell-tale nail holes in her feet.
3. Skywriting exhibition consists of the letter "I" and a lower case "l".
2. "Stealth fighter" exhibit looks suspiciously like an empty field.
1. "Flying Tigers" show turns out to be 37 stray kittens and a catapult.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 18 Signs That Ronald McDonald is Growing Up |
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| Posted by bob bob on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 18 Signs That Ronald McDonald is Growing Up18. No longer signs paychecks in crayon.
17. That new "Mr. Happy Meal."
16. He's got McPubes.
15. Now prefers to be called Ron McDonald.
14. Distinctive odor of bourbon and stale cigars at personal appearances.
13. Two words: sagging buns.
12. Replacing floppy red shoes with floppy black wingtips.
11. Now offering "Happy Hour" Meals.
10. Traded in clown suit for long trench coat.
9. No longer asks women if they want to see his McNuggets.
8. Instead of size 46 shoe, now takes a size 62.
7. Gin has replaced make-up as his nose-reddener.
6. Hamburgler? Sleeping with the fishes.
5. Finally realizes that Pauly Shore isn't funny.
4. That telltale bottle of Clairol Fire Engine Red #4 in his shower.
3. Seen with Jack-in-the-Box at strip clubs stuffing fries down g-strings.
2. Three kids injured in unfortunate stubble incident.
1. Has a McBeergut.
[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Demon S. Sex on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Pet Peeves of James Bond16. Tomorrow Never Dies, and neither does this blasted cold sore.
15. Despite being knighted by the Queen, still can't get a date with Baby Spice.
14. Getting harder and harder to use his nuclear-powered-heat-seeking-homing-device-in-a-cigarette in California.
13. Q's latest gadget only locates your car keys.
12. Just when you think you've finally found the right girl to settle down with, she tries to jam a pen into your throat.
11. His car may be a computerized, kick-ass arsenal, but try putting a Super Big Gulp in the cup holder.
10. Morons at Jiffy Lube always pouring windshield washer fluid in the Napalm tank.
9. Embarrassing to have girlfriend's name paged when separated at WalMart.
8. If his neighbor pulls that "Finkelbaum. Morris Finkelbaum" crap one more time, he's getting an ice pick in the forehead.
7. New Bond girl, RuPaul, always kicking his ass at arm wrestling.
6. Studio budget cutbacks have him at the wheel of a souped-up 1976 Gremlin with new Bond girl, Bea Arthur.
5. Post-Cold War villains? The evil Dr. Hemorrhoid and the Tucks Twins.
4. Always looks like a ninny in Sean Connery's big-ass shoes.
3. Wet spot in bed usually contains bullet hole.
2. Picture on "License to Kill" looks terrible.
1. Increasing competition for beautiful women spies from American agent Double-Chin-Bubba.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Disney Excuses for Using Haitian Sweatshops |
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| Posted by Bugs Bunny on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Disney Excuses for Using Haitian Sweatshops!6. "Asian sweatshops all booked solid with Nike orders, and Kathie Lee beat us to the Hondurans."
15. "How else could we keep the price of a Disneyworld hot dog at a low $6.25?"
14. "It's super-taxfree-imperialistic-export-price-bodacious."
13. "They're a helluva lot cheaper than those lazy Taiwanese!"
12. "You mean Papa Doc and Baby Doc weren't cartoon characters?"
11. "Hey! When we had a bunch of dwarves working all day in a mine, you thought it was *cute*!"
10. "How the #$@$@%& else can we put a $3 toy in a $2.50 Happy Meal?"
9. "It's a Capitalist world, after all... and we're an uncaring, cheapass company."
8. "Crappiest Place On Earth" sign over factory entrance never fails to make that scamp Eisner giggle on visits.
7. "We're just trying to earn our 'Pirates of the Caribbean' title."
6. "It's all we could afford after we paid those Korean animators 17 cents an hour to make 'The Lion King.'"
5. "It gives those losers at Top 5 something to whine about."
4. "We prefer to think of them as 'enchanted sewing cottages.'"
3. "Mr. Eisner gets a kick out of the fact that the entire factory makes less per day than he makes each time he blinks his eyes."
2. "Hatians learn much more quickly than our second choice, Canadians."
1. "Zip-a-dee-do-dah, Zip-a-dee-ay! 16-hours-for-a-dollar-a-day!"
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| Posted by Queen V on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians15. Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
14. No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
13. Only three hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
12. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
11. Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
10. Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
9. Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
8. Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
7. Toe tag paper cuts.
6. The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
5. Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
4. Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
3. At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
2. Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"
1. Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
[ This list copyright 1997, 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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