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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Signs a Video Game Is Too Realistic (Part I) |
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| Posted by Private Private on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs a Video Game Is Too Realistic (Part I)13> One of your Sims just won first place on "American Idol."
12> Those guys outside your house in dark suits after you get to a certain level in "Enter the Matrix"? Those ain't Mormons, Chester.
11> You can't scope with any of the *virtual* hotties, either, dweeb-boy.
10> This game has no monsters, no guns, no crashes -- just Mom yelling to get off the computer and do your homework.
9> Your dark-skinned Sims are deleted from your computer and stored on a server in Guantanamo.
8> For about four days every month, Lara Croft shoots at *you*.
7> The boss on the final level is an evil, arrogant old guy who does nothing but deny you overtime and write unflattering performance reviews.
6> Game limits your running speed based on your smoking habit and the weight recorded during last doctor's visit.
5> Every time the frog gets run over, your shirt gets splattered with blood.
4> Your Sims refuse to do anything you say until you agree to put on a clean T-shirt.
3> Your two regular Internet opponents, "SaddamH" and "binLaden," haven't logged on in weeks now.
2> Guiding your Knicks in the 4th quarter of "NBA Live 2003," you suddenly feel the pressure -- of Latrell Sprewell's fingers around your throat.
1> The newly elected mayor of Vice City? Marion Barry.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Signs a Video Game Is Too Realistic (Part II) |
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| Posted by MrTricky61 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs a Video Game Is Too Realistic (Part II)13> Every time you attempt to take on the evil Church of Science empire, it files a lawsuit and gets a restraining order.
12> When you finally turn off your "Vice City" game, you find your bed has a severed horse head in it.
11> Your current high score is used to calculate the Department of Homeland Security's national threat level.
10> Automatic withholding of 28% of your bonus points.
9> After three hours of "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City" you decide to watch a little TV -- only to discover that you're the lead story on "America's Most Wanted."
8> A little John Ashcroft icon hangs in the corner of the screen, watching your every move.
7> Every time you bump the car in front of you in "NASCAR 2003," your keyboard's airbag smacks you in the face.
6> Ms. Pac-Man refuses to do much of anything until her PMS eases up.
5> The decaying zombie carcasses smell worse than your room does.
4> Every time you play, the same sick feeling of hopelessness and despair descends on you, leaving you unab-- oh, wait, that's Quicken.
3> Bill Bennett's got $1,000 riding on the outcome.
2> Donkey Kong only seems to have two moves this time: throwing poop and masturbating.
1> Try as you might, you can't seem to find the frighteningly destructive weapons the bad guy's supposed to have.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Surprises at the Comic Strip Character 25-Year Reunion (Part I) |
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| Posted by Areen E. Kim on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Surprises at the Comic Strip Character 25-Year Reunion (Part I)
14> The Lockhorns are still married, and still not the least bit funny.
13> These days, Brenda Starr looks more like Bart Starr.
12> Beetle Bailey spends the whole night at a corner table with the Goths, swilling tequila and railing about the government.
11> Peppermint Patty is a touring golf pro on the LPGA.
10> A long stay in Oswald State Penitentiary has made Dennis 35 percent less menacing.
9> "Look at Cathy over there with Peppermint Patty. I guess she solved her guy problems."
8> Billy from "Family Circus" unable to attend as he was convicted of cocaine possession after a jury rejected his "Not Me!" defense.
7> "Little Orphan Annie! Did you have your eyes done?"
6> Sarge's and Zero's looks haven't changed much, thanks to breakthroughs in external-tooth denture technology.
5> Director of Homeland Security Sluggo sends his regrets.
4> What the hell?!? Jughead somehow managed to become president of the United States!!
3> Charlie Brown's bad toupee scares the holy hell out of Marmaduke.
2> Pig Pen now runs a trash business and is married to Anna Nicole Smith.
1> After numerous complaints about the punch, all eyes turn to the snickering man in the corner holding a ratty stuffed tiger.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Surprises at the Comic Strip Character 25-Year Reunion (Part II) |
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| Posted by Clare Sakic on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Surprises at the Comic Strip Character 25-Year Reunion (Part II)14> To the surprise of nobody, Schroeder shows up with Nathan Lane.
13> Dagwood now must precede every giant sandwich with doses of Pepcid AC and Beano.
12> Prince Valiant's comb-over ain't fooling anyone.
11> After downing a few too many daiquiris, Blondie proves to everyone that "the hat matches the purse."
10> Don't ask Colonel Bailey about his former CO Sarge, and he won't tell.
9> Linus has been on death row since giving up his blanket and climbing a tower with an AK-47.
8> Having completed their plans for world domination, the cows from "The Far Side" have the reunion all to themselves.
7> Jeffy from "Family Circus"? A youth spent seeing invisible grandparents and problem-causing ghosts landed him in Scientology.
6> In an ironic twist, it turns out the real Garfield was flattened on the windshield of a Volvo in 1991.
5> Calvin chooses to remain in the parking lot, urinating on cars.
4> The passing years having taken their toll, Dilbert now needs Viagra to keep his tie from hanging limp.
3> Spider-Man already has 2,857,659 grandchildren.
2> Where's Dolly from "Family Circus"? Follow the dotted line to the back of Sluggo's Escalade.
1> Sole heir to Charles Schultz's fortune, Charlie Brown drives up in a yellow Ferrari with a jagged black racing stripe.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part I) |
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| Posted by Eric Mitchell on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part I)15> We were waiting for the Supreme Court to tell us whether it was okay.
14> It's just too PC to use the group epithets that apply to you, you intellectually-impaired ability-challenged Irish-American person of alternative sexuality.
13> You never actually read the list, preferring to just skip right to that day's ambience.
12> Tom Ridge told us that if we insult you, the terrorists win.
11> Your inability to get past third grade left you too stupid to realize the redneck jokes are *all* about you.
10> Let's just say that owning www.chriswhitenude.com keeps the hounds at bay.
9> Because you're a spineless wuss who just sits there and takes it like the little prison bitch you are.
8> You've got more important things to worry about, seeing as how you haven't had a big hit since "Mandy."
7> You're one of the thousands of cowardly wimps who added your name to Top5's nationwide "Do Not Insult" list. Oops! Dammit, another fine!
6> All this time, you thought your favorite movie star's name was Paul E. Shore.
5> We tried, but apparently you missed our special "The Top 25 Things We Hate About Trek-Watching, SUV-Driving, D&D-Playing, Stamp-Collecting, Grit-Magazine-Selling White Supremacists" list.
4> Your favorite fetish is so utterly twisted, perverse and beyond the realm of human decency that, well, we enjoy it ourselves.
3> You've got unusually thick skin for such a little girlie-man.
2> We've placed you in the "attractive, but dumb enough to possibly agree to sleep with us" category and don't want to hurt our chances.
1> Not being Wiccan, you *have* a sense of humor.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part II) |
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| Posted by Marshky Marshk on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part II)15> We're still too busy answering "fan mail" from 1999's NRA list.
14> Oh, we have, we have. You're just too obtuse to have noticed. By the way: nice haircut.
13> You rely on Amish AOL for all your e-mail humor updates.
12> It's our fault -- we didn't realize a few people actually voted for Pat Buchanan on purpose.
11> Left-handed feminist surfers are pretty laid back unless we make fun of the way your pendulous breasts swing when you wax your boards.
10> You open your daily Top 5 List e-mail message only to see if there are any pictures.
9> We insult men in descending order of penis size, so you may be waiting a while, Chester.
8> After Bill's repudiation, Ken's interrogation, Hillary's disdain, Linda's betrayal, cable news' vilification, HBO's lack of support and the dismal failure of "Mr. Personality," Top5 couldn't possibly get under your skin.
7> As a Vulcan, you have no emotions.
6> You get automatic immunity because you're a contributor now, unlike that pompous airbag Trebek.
5> Despite your numerous amusing balding middle-aged guy foibles, the balding middle-aged guys who own and write the lists fail to see the humor potential.
4> You always bring twice-baked potatoes smeared with Country Crock and Velveeta to the weekly Top5 staff meetings.
3> Because we're gentle-natured, compassionate folks who would never intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, even a semi-literate pea-brained walking bullseye like you.
2> Alphabetically, you're on our list right after Zone Diet followers and zoologists, Sheep-Boy.
1> "Sorry, I'm away from my e-mail again today. I'm busy banging yet another bikini model on the beach in the back of my Hummer between bank runs! Hugs & Kisses, Carrot Top."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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