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():sport jokes (950): The Top 13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School (Part II) |
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| Posted by Conrad Gryba on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School (Part II)13. Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target.
12. First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
11. Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector.
10. The "gees" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese.
9. The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.
8. The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.
7. Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop quizzes" in dark alleys.
6. Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.
5. Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.
4. Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does not exist in this dojo!"
3. You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying to tie your belt on.
2. Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the neighbors when he moved in.
1. Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a can of whoop-ass" on someone?
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by pure bollocks on 14-Aug-2005 | Official Rules for Indoor Golf1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
3. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention paid to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they considered to be a private course.
10. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the course owner's request.
12. Responsible indoor golfers always use a golfbag.
13. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
14. Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without the express permission of the course owner.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Membership at a given course - Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
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| Posted by Gene Geller on 14-Aug-2005 | Packer FansHow many Packers fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three--one to screw in the new one and two to talk about how great the old one was.
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| Posted by Kayla on 14-Aug-2005 | Illegal FishingAn old-timer sat on the river bank, obviously awaiting a nibble though the fishing season had not officially opened. The game warden stood behind him quietly for several minutes, "You a game warden?" the old-timer asked.
"Yep." Unruffled, the old man began to move the fishing pole rhythmmically from side to side. Finally, after doing this for several minutes, he lifted the line out of the water.
"You see, I was just teaching him how to swim," he said,grinning, and pointing to the minnow wiggling on the end of the line.
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| Posted by Nevyn J. Leo on 14-Aug-2005 | Syracuse Football ScheduleSeptember 14 Birmingham Jr. High
September 21 Boy Scout Troop #49
September 28 Crippled Children's Home
October 5 Blind Academy
October 12 World War I Veterans
October 19 Brownie Troop #14
October 26 Patlaka High Cheerleaders
November 2 St. Joseph's Boys Choir
November 9 Birmingham VD Clinic
November 16 Korean War Amputees
November 23 VA Hospital Polio Patients
Rules Changes from last year:
1. When playing polio patients, Syracuse players must not disconnect iron lungs.
2. When playing Brownie's, Syracuse players must not steal their cookies.
3. When playing the Blind Academy, Syracuse players must not hide the ball.
4. When playing the Korean War Amputees, Syracuse must not file any complaints about a player with only one leg being harder to tackle.
5. A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line) will count as 21 points for Syracuse.
6. Syracuse will be allowed 27 players.
7. Syracuse will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time during the game.
8. Syracuse will be allowed to play with 3 footballs at the same time.
9. Syracuse will be allowed 20 time outs.
10. A gain of 3 yards will constitute first down for Syracuse.
As you can see, Syracuse is facing a much rougher schedule this year so all Syracuse fans (all 16) should get out and see the games and cheer them on to victory.
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():sport jokes (950): Why Sports Scholarship is an Oxymoron |
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| Posted by Stanford on 14-Aug-2005 | Why Sports Scholarship is an Oxymoron"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle" -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"You guys line up alphabetically by height" -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to andfrom class" -- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." -- Yogi Berra
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
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