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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Taglines for Movies Featuring Unlikely Action Heroes |
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| Posted by mega on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Taglines for Movies Featuring Unlikely Action Heroes13> Anna Nicole Smith goes after ancient treasure as Emma Balmer in "Tomb Dater."
12> See George Walker Bush as George Herbert Walker Bush in "Once Upon a Time in Iraq."
11> William Shatner shows terrorists for the bald-faced liars they are as Frank Follicle in "Toupe Beverly Hills."
10> Ben Kingsley's done with passive resistance -- now MaHotHead Gandhi's thinning out the bad guys in "The Fasting and the Furious."
9> David Spade as Sammy the Elf in "I Nailed Mrs. Claus."
8> Don Knotts is Henry Limpet in "The Ass-Kicking Mr. Limpet: Limpet Lives!"
7> Nick Nolte *is* Al Coholic in "Cider-Man."
6> McCauley Culkin as Neo in "Matrix, We Are Now Officially Out of Ideas."
5> From Vice President to adventure hero, don't miss "Indiana Quayle and the Spelling Bee of Doom."
4> Gray Davis as Private Sector in "The Terminated."
3> Pee Wee Herman as Rod Wanker tries his hand at self-espionage in "The Pourne Identity."
2> Justin Timberlake goes where no man has gone before as I. D. Flowerder in "Breakfast at Britney's."
1> Woody Allen one-ups Shaft as Oedipus X in "Mighty Afrodite."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by blackcat on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Upcoming David Blaine Stunts
14> Spending 50 days at a psychiatrist's office and having himself declared officially insane.
13> Remaining in suspended animation until Ben and J.Lo are married, either to each other or someone else.
12> Finding a few non-journalists who actually give a damn.
11> Attempting to set a new record for bitch-slapping Donald Trump.
10> Spending a week in a room full of cameras without seeking publicity.
9> Free-diving the depths of his own narcissism.
8> Attempting to live for six weeks eating nothing but tidbits combed from the beards of the ZZ Top guys.
7> Getting laid without resorting to magic.
6> Surviving three weeks nestled in Elizabeth Taylor's cleavage.
5> Pulling his head completely out of his ass.
4> Going trick-or-treating in Harlem while dressed as a pointy-headed ghost.
3> Attempting to free-climb Anna Nicole Smith.
2> Holding his breath until his 15 minutes are up.
1> Flying solo, non-stop around the world, suspended from his inflated ego.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Rachael Barbutes on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Rejected McDonald's Slogans
16> Tastes Just Like Real Food!
15> We Love to See You Waddle
14> Screw Jenny Craig
13> We Are Legally Obliged to Tell You That Grimace Is a Convicted Sex Offender
12> America, Your Weight Is Over!
11> Same Crap, Same Prices -- Just Keep Buyin' It, Tubby
10> Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions, Britney's an Insatiable Screaming Nymphomaniac Who Barks Uncontrollably When She Gets It Doggy Style
9> Open Wide, You Lemmings
8> Wipe Your Chins, McLardbutt
7> Go Ahead and Sue Us, Tubby -- Your Bad Eating Habits Put Seven of Ray Kroc's 19 Grandkids Through Law School at Harvard
6> Spill a Coffee and WIN!
5> Relax, PETA -- That Ain't Really Chicken
4> Super-Sizing Americans Since 1954
3> You Don't Want to Waste Away Like That Subway Guy, Do You?
2> You Deserve a Wake Today
1> I'm Shovelin' It
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs |
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| Posted by JERRY WIGGINS on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs
16> Takes phone calls only if the caller agrees to do a hit of helium first.
15> Spent the last 15 minutes of yesterday's show clearing his throat.
14> His response to every caller: "Dave's not here, man."
13> Cannot refer to Eli Lilly without adding the phrase "makers of some mighty fine sh*t."
12> "Microphones! There are microphones everywhere!!"
11> Every call is screened through a rigorous "Are you a cop? You sure? You gotta say so or else it's entrapment, man!" line of questioning.
10> Claims he can do his show "with half my stash hidden under my bed just to make it fair."
9> While interviewing Barbara Bush, constantly refers to her son as George Washington and adds how much "you two dudes look alike."
8> He's talking into an iced-tea spoon.
7> Ted Nugent cuts the interview short and advises the host to "try decaf."
6> He's on a seven-second delay even when he's OFF the air.
5> Refuses to give out the show's telephone number because "The Man can trace it, dude!"
4> Takes payola only in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.
3> Calls for drastic retaliation against Arab states for their nuking of Arizona and the poisoning of President Palmer.
2> Can't stop giggling long enough to hear what "Dick in Buffalo" has to say.
1> Begins every news segment with: "First, let's go to my beeper for a quick look at the traffic."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by jokekiller on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Other Celebrity-Endorsed Products
12> Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge -- Life Savers' Five Flavors of Terror Alertness
11> Britney Spears and Madonna -- Breath Savers
10> Giorgio Armani -- Italian Dressing
9> George Bush -- Boggle
8> Robert Downey, Jr. -- Super Shootin' Smacks, the Intravenous Breakfast Cereal
7> Arnold Schwarzenegger -- Kleenex Tissues With Lotion
6> David Beckham (circa 2034) -- Old Spice
5> Ted Williams -- Sub-Zero Freezers
4> Michael Jackson -- Mr. Potato Head
3> Bob Dylan -- voice recognition software
2> David Crosby -- seed catalogs
1> Kevin Bacon -- Sixth Degree Geneology-Tracking Services
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 25 Reasons for the Absurdly Long Delay of the TopFive Book |
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| Posted by Wreckd on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 25 Reasons for the Absurdly Long Delay of the TopFive Book
25> There's been no delay; that's just the quaaludes talking, dude.
24> It took that long just to remember all the lists. You think we write this crap down?
23> Chris was busy with his day job: translating the Harry Potter book series into Pig Latin.
22> Prima donnas Muse and Hollister held out for a piece of the movie rights.
21> Ecstreemly difikult to find proffreders among TopFive contributers.
20> Chris had precious little free time because of all those extra shifts down at the 7-Eleven.
19> Printers inexplicably kept hacking every list down to a paltry five items.
18> Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, comes between Chris and his daily Macarenaerobics classes.
17> Like a typical man, Chris steadfastly refused to stop and ask for directions.
16> Hey, man, *you* try getting a million monkeys to lay off the Shakespeare-writing and poo-flinging long enough to edit a book.
15> Friggin' hurricane list kept fouling the presses.
14> Chris was too busy burning incense and paying tribute at the altar of Rip Taylor.
13> Greedy bastard Rosenberg kept holding out for additional 1/238th of cent royalty per book.
12> Courtesy delay so as not to knock Stephen King's latest from the top spot on the N.Y. Times Bestseller list.
11> Kept holding out for one more Clinton scandal.
10> With a little careful planning, a publisher's advance can finance a surprisingly long hookers-and-coke bender.
9> Technical difficulties: The TopFive deflector dish emitted a tachyon beam which tore a temporal rift in the fabric of space/time, repeatedly jettisoning the books into the future.
8> Took that long for Oprah to deposit the payola check.
7> Chris' daily Gallo binges brought the ghost of Orson Welles and his dire "Serve no lists before their time!" warnings.
6> Greedy Nobel and Pulitzer judges insisted on a full year's worth of cash, drugs and hookers.
5> Chris has been detained at Guantanamo Bay ever since the publication of our "Top 15 Reasons Allah Can Kick Your Jesus' Ass Any Day of the Week" list.
4> Damn tree-hugging liberal contributors insisted on a certified dolphin-friendly printer.
3> As a featured dancer, Chris never had the time to edit unti the Broadway show of "Cats" closed.
2> Kept waiting in hopes of including a "Top 5 Ways to Punish Osama and Saddam Now That We've Finally Caught Them" list.
1> We were waiting for TopFive scientists to develop a special suck-proof ink.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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