The Top 13 Topics for The Top 5 List in the Year 2098

Words of wisdom from Homer Simpson

Things you Would Never Know without the Movies

• During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
• Most dogs are immortal.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
• It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
• If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
• If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
• When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Same with restaurants.
• Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
• Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
• Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
• The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
• Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
• No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
• Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
• You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
• An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Camping Hints

• When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
• Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
• While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
• Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
• Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
• You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
• You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
• The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
• When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
• Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
• A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
• A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
• In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
• The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
• The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
• It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
• Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

Signs you've had too much of the 90's

Star Wars Pants

• We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
• The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
• I find your lack of pants disturbing.
• Many Bothans died to bring us these pants.
• These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
• Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
• General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
• I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
• TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?
• Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
• You are unwise to lower your pants.
• She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
• Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
• You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.
• Luke... Help me remove these pants.
• Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
• That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
• Luke.....I am your pants.
• A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
• Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
• Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
• Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.
• Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one... Your sister!
• Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
• Short pants is better than no pants at all.