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():sport jokes (950): The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part I) |
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| Posted by Shaukat Ali Ansari on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part I)
14> "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary -- the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians."
13> "I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun."
12> "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop."
11> "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim."
10> "Somebody call Janet Reno -- I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"
9> "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."
8> "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet."
7> "Hey, Cunningham -- Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi."
6> "He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house."
5> "Hey Deion, Bubbelah -- maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?"
4> "When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb."
3> "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena."
2> "Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island."
1> "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Sexbabe on 14-Aug-2005 | Iowa Farmer Goes to HellAs everyone knows, farmers NEVER go to hell since they are the caretakers
of the Earth. Unfortunately though, an error occurred and Satan found
himself with a new dilemma: what to do with the farmer?
Satan decided that he would treat the farmer as he treats the rest of his
workers, and make him work in the fields. The temperature in hell was 85
degrees with a humidity of 75%. All the workers were complaining about the
heat and the humidity, but not the farmer. The farmer was sitting there
with a happy expression on his face and whistling a favorite hymn. This
made Satan irate, and Satan went to the farmer and asked, "why are you not
complaining like the rest of the workers?" The farmer responded in
delight, "these conditions remind me of when I was a lad and I was working
in the fields in June with my daddy back in Iowa."
In a rage, Satan decided to turn the temperature up to 100 degrees, and
have the humidity at 90%! The rest of the workers were swearing up a storm
and the farmer continued to whistle his favorite hymn. Satan, more furious
than ever now went up and demanded the farmer to tell him why he was still
joyful. The farmer replied, "Well, this reminds me of a late day in August
bailing hay with my boys back on our farm in Iowa." Satan was stumped. He
was so mad, but he did not know what to do.
Then the thought came to Satan. Satan decided to turn the temperature down
to five degrees. The temperature made the workers shiver in anger. Not the
farmer though. The farmer was screaming and dancing; he even did a cart
wheel. Satan, in anger screamed at the old man and said, "how can you
still be so happy even when it is so miserable here?" The farmer
responded, "Well, hell just froze over, you know what that means?"
"The Cyclones just beat the Hawkeyes!"
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| Posted by Glor on 11-Aug-2005 | Celebrity Golf MatchStevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.
"You play golf?!" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
Stevie replies "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
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| Posted by fishpie on 11-Aug-2005 | Good Luck FrogGood Luck Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog". The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood". The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?". The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, gee, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss,the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God.
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| Posted by Teresa Jeffries on 11-Aug-2005 | Drunk CheerleaderMichael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," said Williams. "How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," replied Irvin.
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| Posted by Green Hornet on 14-Aug-2005 | Cup Final FanIts cup final day at wembly, Manchester Utd Vs Liverpooland &
Pete is dissapointed with his seat as he misses Manchester's
First goal and his view was blocked from Liverpools goal by a
bald mans head. At the Half Hour mark, Pete looks down at the
front row and spots an empty seat . He walks down and sits in
the seat. "What a great seat! why would you buy a seat like this
and not turn up?" the man replys "the seats mine, i bought it
for my wife but she died on wednesday so i am here alone. it is
the first final without her for 35 years." "Couldn't you have
given the ticket to a son or daughter then?" asks Pete. The Bald
man replys "Oh No. They are all at the funeral!"
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