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():sport jokes (950): The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part I) |
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| Posted by Shaukat Ali Ansari on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part I)
14> "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary -- the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians."
13> "I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun."
12> "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop."
11> "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim."
10> "Somebody call Janet Reno -- I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"
9> "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."
8> "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet."
7> "Hey, Cunningham -- Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi."
6> "He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house."
5> "Hey Deion, Bubbelah -- maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?"
4> "When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb."
3> "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena."
2> "Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island."
1> "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Yo Momma on 11-Aug-2005 | Golf "is" a Drag!Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me.
One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!
Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!
Horrible? You think it`s horrible?
Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!!
Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...
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| Posted by Sexbabe on 14-Aug-2005 | Iowa Farmer Goes to HellAs everyone knows, farmers NEVER go to hell since they are the caretakers
of the Earth. Unfortunately though, an error occurred and Satan found
himself with a new dilemma: what to do with the farmer?
Satan decided that he would treat the farmer as he treats the rest of his
workers, and make him work in the fields. The temperature in hell was 85
degrees with a humidity of 75%. All the workers were complaining about the
heat and the humidity, but not the farmer. The farmer was sitting there
with a happy expression on his face and whistling a favorite hymn. This
made Satan irate, and Satan went to the farmer and asked, "why are you not
complaining like the rest of the workers?" The farmer responded in
delight, "these conditions remind me of when I was a lad and I was working
in the fields in June with my daddy back in Iowa."
In a rage, Satan decided to turn the temperature up to 100 degrees, and
have the humidity at 90%! The rest of the workers were swearing up a storm
and the farmer continued to whistle his favorite hymn. Satan, more furious
than ever now went up and demanded the farmer to tell him why he was still
joyful. The farmer replied, "Well, this reminds me of a late day in August
bailing hay with my boys back on our farm in Iowa." Satan was stumped. He
was so mad, but he did not know what to do.
Then the thought came to Satan. Satan decided to turn the temperature down
to five degrees. The temperature made the workers shiver in anger. Not the
farmer though. The farmer was screaming and dancing; he even did a cart
wheel. Satan, in anger screamed at the old man and said, "how can you
still be so happy even when it is so miserable here?" The farmer
responded, "Well, hell just froze over, you know what that means?"
"The Cyclones just beat the Hawkeyes!"
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| Posted by Some One on 14-Aug-2005 | Dallas CowboysQ:What do you say to a Dallas Cowboy in a suit?
A:And how does the defendent wish to plead?
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get in a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It's a parole violation to associate with known felons.
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| Posted by Jessika on 14-Aug-2005 | The WNBAYou: Want to hear a joke?
He/she: Sure.
You: The WNBA.
You: Want to hear another joke?
He/she: Sure.
You: Competitive WNBA.
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| Posted by Glor on 11-Aug-2005 | Celebrity Golf MatchStevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.
"You play golf?!" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
Stevie replies "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
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