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():sport jokes (950): The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part I)

Posted by Shaukat Ali Ansari on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part I)

14> "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary -- the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians."

13> "I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun."

12> "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop."

11> "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim."

10> "Somebody call Janet Reno -- I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"

9> "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."

8> "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet."

7> "Hey, Cunningham -- Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi."

6> "He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house."

5> "Hey Deion, Bubbelah -- maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?"

4> "When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb."

3> "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena."

2> "Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island."

1> "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!"

[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]


2 people have rated this joke:

():sport jokes (950): Drunk Cheerleader

Posted by Teresa Jeffries on 11-Aug-2005

Drunk Cheerleader

Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.

"That's terrible," said Williams. "How'd you ever get any sleep?"

"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," replied Irvin.

2 people have rated this joke:

():sport jokes (950): Cup Final Fan

Posted by Green Hornet on 14-Aug-2005

Cup Final Fan

Its cup final day at wembly, Manchester Utd Vs Liverpooland &
Pete is dissapointed with his seat as he misses Manchester's
First goal and his view was blocked from Liverpools goal by a
bald mans head. At the Half Hour mark, Pete looks down at the
front row and spots an empty seat . He walks down and sits in
the seat. "What a great seat! why would you buy a seat like this
and not turn up?" the man replys "the seats mine, i bought it
for my wife but she died on wednesday so i am here alone. it is
the first final without her for 35 years." "Couldn't you have
given the ticket to a son or daughter then?" asks Pete. The Bald
man replys "Oh No. They are all at the funeral!"


3 people have rated this joke:

():sport jokes (950): Good Luck Frog

Posted by fishpie on 11-Aug-2005

Good Luck Frog

Good Luck Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog". The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood". The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?". The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, gee, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss,the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God.


2 people have rated this joke:

():sport jokes (950): Ready for some Football?

Posted by Heather Iannaccio on 11-Aug-2005
Ready for some Football?
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

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():sport jokes (950): Torn Ligaments

Posted by matt on 13-Aug-2005
Torn Ligaments

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."


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