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| Posted by CH_2005 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Liabilities of Having Leonardo DiCaprio's Looks14> All those people who expect you to look good AND contribute to society in some way.
13> If you try to start a fight, women giggle and say, "He's sooooo cute!", while men merely giggle and kick your ass.
12> You look in the mirror and all that money doesn't matter -- you just wish you had a chest.
11> You're forced to sit at a card table with that kid from "Jerry McGuire" at the Oscar party.
10> Nearly impossible for the people at your campaign rally to concentrate on your flat tax plan.
9> You're constantly being mistaken for one of the Hansons.
8> Having to get all those restraining orders against Michael Jackson.
7> Sure it's great being prettier than Clare Danes, but you'd trade that in a second for her larger penis.
6> Your chances of a wet, sloppy kiss from a drunken James Cameron have never been higher.
5> While you like your sex partners to be vocal, screaming "I'm having sex with Leonardo DiCaprio!" isn't what you had in mind.
4> Though it was fun at first, all this "pretty boy" shit is really starting to creep you out.
3> Women constantly slipping scented silk panties into your lunch sack, making your veggies taste like "Obsession."
2> Bob DeNiro keeps slapping the back of your head, saying, "Grow up already!"
1> People are so stunned by your mesmerizing facial features that they overlook the incredible God-given beauty of your ass.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by _Clio_ on 08-Aug-2005 | Naughty legal phrasesTop Ten Legal Phrases That Sound Dirtier Than They Really Are:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
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| Posted by Tar on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
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| Posted by kisa kisa on 14-Aug-2005 | Worst Things To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant1. Fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after my coffee break.
2. Was that "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other way round?
3. This whole plant will be running under Win95 tomorrow.
4. HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?
5. Who forgot to pay the water bill?
6. We got 12 seconds to WHAT????
7. Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown.
8. A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something?
9. Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.
10. It's Russian technology.
11. Move over Three Mile Island - here we come !!!
12. Sniff, sniff.... you smell that?
13. I used to work at Chernobyl.
14. All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!
15. It's your turn to wax the core.
16. How come all the big shots are leaving?
17. Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?
18. Is this part really necessary?
19. OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though.
20. Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.
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| Posted by Krystal on 14-Aug-2005 | You Know You're Having a Bad Day When - Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
- You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
- Your income tax refund check bounces.
- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
- You put both contacts into the same eye.
- Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
- You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
- Nothing you own is actually paid for.
- Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
- The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
- You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
- The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
- People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
- When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
- You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
- You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
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| Posted by Suki on 09-Aug-2005 | A BBS Commandment4. Honor thy SysOp.
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| Posted by Murph J. Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs You Were Switched at Birth13. You don't look anything like Mary and Joseph.
12. No one else in the family is white, except for Uncle Jacko and his wife.
11. Unlike everyone else in your backwoods, redneck, trailer-park family, it is your ambition to become the President of the United States.
10. No one else in your nomadic tribe seems to share your love of collecting Beanie Babies.
9. The way your dad always says, "Aye, you've a bonney wee Afro, m'lad."
8. You think Kathie Lee's REAL children would have to turn out 200 blouses per hour?
7. Your dad: astronomy professor at M.I.T.
You: Almost starved to death when you got a cue ball stuck in your mouth.
6. Your family celebrates your graduation from high school by butcherin' a hog and tappin' the still.
5. Sober, monogamous, and a Kennedy? Hmmm...
4. Your dad, Mr. Hawking, shows little if any enthusiasm for your burgeoning career as a pro wrestler.
3. You bear an uncanny resemblance to the President of the United States, but hell, so do a lot of kids in Arkansas.
2. Your brothers, Alec, Billy, Daniel and Steven, also work in film, but you're the one who manages a Fotomat.
1. You: All-State linebacker Your father: President of Microsoft
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| Posted by Cher_94 on 09-Aug-2005 | Fun to do during an examYou should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
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| Posted by bruny on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings15. My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement.
14. I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
13. Lie down with me -- it's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
12. I picked up this card from a slim selection But that's all they offer here in witness protection. Love, J. Doe
11. I've waited so long for you to be mine. Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass; So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
8. Violets are blue, roses are red, I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!
6. Hey.
5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers. Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand So I won't be a self-made man.
1. When a goon makes you die, Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com]
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| Posted by Eminem Isgod on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Punchlines Without Jokes15. ...and Ms. Reno says, "Yeah, and it's DEEP, too!"
14. ...and the film will star Tom Arnold, Pauley Shore, and Quentin Tarantino.
13. "If word gets out, EVERYONE will want an extra pancreas."
12. ...and her husband says, "But they're twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
11. ...and she says, "So that's what Tiger means by 'getting up and down in two'."
10. ...so Steve Buscemi says, "How much Bosco can you drink, anyway?!"
9. "So's mine, lady -- must be the salt water!"
8. "So the talking duck turns to the guy and says, 'You wanna hear my impression of De Niro?'"
7. ...then the doctor says, "Ok, now it's my turn to cough".
6. Freud -- Because he'd get so excited by the donut that he'd never miss his wallet!
5. "If you can say you're a Kennedy, I can say I'm 18."
4. "Well if I'd known I had a squid in my underwear, I would have ordered the rice pilaf."
3. ...then the second trapper cried, "Sacre bleu! I deed not know she was ze prime ministaire's daughtaire!"
2. The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with HIS.
1. ...then Cathy Lee says, "What do you mean there's no such thing as Tuesday Night Football?!"
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| Posted by Michael Gailling on 14-Aug-2005 | Only in America...Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
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| Posted by Evan Hawbaker on 08-Aug-2005 | poorYour mama is so poor that when I walked in your backyard and stepped on a cochroach, she said, "Thanks for killing dinner."
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| Posted by Matt Der on 08-Aug-2005 | How Chinese People name their kidsHow do chinese people name their kids?
Throw a fork at the wall and name their kid after the sound.
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| Posted by aaaaa a. aaaaaaaaa on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Least Popular Candy Heart Sayings13. STD FREE
12. UR A WEASEL
11. BE OURS
10. SOY BOMB
9. TONGUE ME
8. BE MY INTERN
7. LOVE?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, "LOVE"? I SPEND 12 HOURS A DAY CARVING THESE STUPID SAYINGS ON THESE STUPID HEARTS AND YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT LOVE?!?
6. HAIRY CHEST
5. I STALK U
4. ASS FLAVORED!
3. GOT CRABS?
2. R THOSE REAL?
1. VIAGRA 100MG
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com]
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| Posted by Queen V on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians15. Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
14. No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
13. Only three hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
12. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
11. Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
10. Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
9. Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
8. Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
7. Toe tag paper cuts.
6. The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
5. Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
4. Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
3. At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
2. Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"
1. Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
[ This list copyright 1997, 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Jenna L. Reed on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Least Popular Scented Candles13. Vanilla Mr. Bean
12. Whiff o' Limbaugh
11. Dingleberry
10. Morning Breath
9. Haggis
8. Eau de Ron Jeremy
7. Essence of Stained Cocktail Dress
6. Asparagus Tinkle
5. Chicken Pot Pie-Berry
4. Grandpa's Air Biscuits
3. Springtime in Jersey
2. Looooove Gravy
1. Yesterday's Chili Festival
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| Posted by Seamus G. Beirne on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways to Beat the Heat in Hollywood15. Pee Wee Herman: Duck into an adult movie theater... huh?... Oh, *heat*??... Nevermind.
14. Robert Downey, Jr. only breaks into houses with pools.
13. George Clooney: Crushed ice in the ol' bat-codpiece.
12. Marlon Brando: Lay on the beach until a crowd gathers to pull you back into the water.
11. Tim Allen and Kelsey Grammer: Vodka Frappuccinos.
10. O.J. Simpson: Enjoy the chilly stares and icy receptions.
9. Axl Rose: Four gallons of crank and a couple hookers usually does the trick.
8. Tori Spelling: Install intracranial fan to keep air circulating.
7. Enjoying a nice palm frond fan by otherwise unemployed Pam Dawber.
6. Menage a trois with Ice Cube and Ice T.
5. Michael Jackson has another layer of skin removed.
4. Playing Frisbee with Burt Reynolds' toupee in the shade of Dolly Parton.
3. Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman: Lighten that heavy purse at the nearest Scientology deposit box.
2. Frank Gifford: Find hotel near the sea. Remove pants.
1. Pamela Anderson Lee: Drain saline. Replace with Slurpees.
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| Posted by Insane Wizard on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station15. Breakfast, lunch & dinner, every day -- Van DeCamp's Pork-and-Beans-in-a-tube.
14. "Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the cancellation of your insurance policy..."
13. Ship's computer calmly says, "I don't know what air leak you're talking about, Comrade Dave."
12. The Benetton and the Starbucks were bad enough, but that new yuppie cigar bar is really stinkin' up the place.
11. Ever since Joel left the show, it just hasn't been as funny.
10. Latest addition to the onboard crew? Some French guy who brought 200 cartons of cigarettes.
9. Mission Control announces they're going to attempt a tricky docking maneuver with the Space Shuttle Kevorkian.
8. Space station's warranty expired 3,834,621 miles ago.
7. Tang and Stoli screwdrivers have lost their kick.
6. The damage is repairable, but ever since the collision, "Comrade Wussky" has been shrieking nonstop.
5. After several days of low oxygen, you're starting to give serious consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei's offer to join the "Hundred Mile High" club.
4. It's down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.
3. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.
2. Spice Girls on the holodeck.
1. That last little collision not only set off the emergency warning, it ruined the last of your clean boxer shorts.
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| Posted by Anthony F. Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Little-Known Effects of El Nino15. Weather Channel temporarily passes Knitting Channel in ratings.
14. During concert, Hanson breaks out into a raucous version of "mmmGuantanamera."
13. Tori Spelling, confused by lack of sunshine, goes into hibernation.
12. Unusually high tides in silicon implants responsible for delaying production of Barb Wire 2.
11. Jacko gets a "Woodrow", if you know what I mean. (Oops! Wrong kind of El Nino.)
10. Instead of flying south, Canadian geese just cross the border to shop.
9. Home Shopping Network's ratings plummet as trailer park residents nationwide seek higher ground.
8. Increased moisture in air means William Shatner needs less SuperGlue to hold his hair down.
7. In a first for a weather pattern, El Nino signs with Nike for a cool 36 million.
6. Groundhog comes out of his hole on Feb. 2 and -- ZAP -- the only thing left of his hairy little butt is the smell of burnt fur and ozone.
5. Matt Lauer responds to everything Katie Couric says with a booming "Claro Que Si!"
4. Minor changes in Earth's magnetic field allow Jennifer Aniston to complete a thought.
3. Rash of "muskrat" sightings in Vegas turns out to be thousands of toupees floating in from Hollywood.
2. Confused British nannies begin swinging babies counter-clockwise instead of clockwise.
1. "Ten inches and rising" now refers to flood waters.
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| Posted by Paul S. Morette on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Least Popular Names for Street Gangs15. The Lords of the Dance
14. The Bitter and Self-Absorbed Grad School Dropouts
13. Delicate Hummels
12. The Joyful Mysteries
11. Tommy Tutone Tappers
10. The Promise Keepers
9. The Bullseyes
8. The Crotchety Out-of-Work Impeachment Managers
7. Los Losers
6. The Tinky Winkys
5. East Side Gandhis
4. Crips@aol.com
3. The G Street Webmasters
2. The Pig-Latin Ings-Kay
1. The Disciples of Tesh
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Warlock Z on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader14. Using the Force, young Darth could unhook a bra on the other side of the planet.
13. Could hack into Death Star mainframe to vaporize his violin teacher's house.
12. The power to cause volcanic pimple eruptions on the faces of his mortal enemies.
11. Could make Obi-Wan Kenobi pee his pants by sneaking in his room and putting his hand in warm water.
10. Ability to sweet-talk girls into "rubbing his helmet."
9. For a white kid, he did a pretty damn good James Earl Jones impression.
8. Astounding dodge ball prowess combined with "take no prisoners" attitude resulted in many a beheaded opponent.
7. The old Jedi "your lunch money is mine" trick.
6. Ability to emit a powerful protective force-field after only one bean burrito.
5. Won the high school talent show every year by making the vice principal writhe in pain.
4. Ability to activate "Trouser Saber" at will.
3. The uncanny ability to make all the hottest babes believe that through the constant application of love and understanding *they* can change him.
2. "You don't need to see my I.D. You know I'm old enough to buy beer."
1. Pasty skin + jet-black wardrobe + intense aura of impending doom = Goth babe magnet!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by dan hoffman on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday14. Nobody knows, but they found her naked behind the sofa.
13. Had 40 donuts and make a quick trip to the bathroom.
12. For kicks, told an 11-year-old girl she looked "a little chunky."
11. Got "dollfaced."
10. Same as last year -- had another rib removed.
9. Got jiggy in the barracks with G.I. Joe.
8. Drowned her sorrows in a thimbleful of Barbie Dream Gin while listening to the deafening roar of her biological clock.
7. Dumped Ken. Flashed thong at Bill. Waited for million dollar book deal.
6. Weekly tanning session in an Easy Bake oven.
5. Same as every day -- curled up on a couch watching "The View" with General Foods Viennese coffee blend and Snackwells cookies.
4. Another night searching in vain for Ken's "accessory."
3. Had a big party and invited all her plastic friends -- just like the rest of us do.
2. Ransacked the house looking for that arm the dog chewed off.
1. Gave Ken a red marker and let him draw some nipples.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Rosanna h. Young on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Hard to Find Scavenger Hunt Items13. A dry cleaning ticket from Monica Lewinsky
12. An intersection without a Starbucks
11. A stale Twinkie
10. A Girl Scout leader with a sense of humor
9. A gram of gray matter or a shred of dignity from Washington, DC
8. A 2-liter bottle of Bismuth 209
7. The name and address of that Las Vegas "hostess" who ran off with my wallet whilst I was asleep
6. Joe Piscopo's career
5. A million dollars in small, unmarked bills
4. A Windex sandwich
3. A Radio Shack employee who attended college
2. A volume from Posh Spice's Nietzsche library
1. Osama bin Laden's "Girls of the Arabian Peninsula" exercise video
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| Posted by Bugs Bunny on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Disney Excuses for Using Haitian Sweatshops!6. "Asian sweatshops all booked solid with Nike orders, and Kathie Lee beat us to the Hondurans."
15. "How else could we keep the price of a Disneyworld hot dog at a low $6.25?"
14. "It's super-taxfree-imperialistic-export-price-bodacious."
13. "They're a helluva lot cheaper than those lazy Taiwanese!"
12. "You mean Papa Doc and Baby Doc weren't cartoon characters?"
11. "Hey! When we had a bunch of dwarves working all day in a mine, you thought it was *cute*!"
10. "How the #$@$@%& else can we put a $3 toy in a $2.50 Happy Meal?"
9. "It's a Capitalist world, after all... and we're an uncaring, cheapass company."
8. "Crappiest Place On Earth" sign over factory entrance never fails to make that scamp Eisner giggle on visits.
7. "We're just trying to earn our 'Pirates of the Caribbean' title."
6. "It's all we could afford after we paid those Korean animators 17 cents an hour to make 'The Lion King.'"
5. "It gives those losers at Top 5 something to whine about."
4. "We prefer to think of them as 'enchanted sewing cottages.'"
3. "Mr. Eisner gets a kick out of the fact that the entire factory makes less per day than he makes each time he blinks his eyes."
2. "Hatians learn much more quickly than our second choice, Canadians."
1. "Zip-a-dee-do-dah, Zip-a-dee-ay! 16-hours-for-a-dollar-a-day!"
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| Posted by Samantha Taraboletti on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Additional Foreign Translations of English Movie Titles12. "The Waterboy" -- "Water Torture, American Style"
11. "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" -- "Fear Makes Young Women's Breasts Move Up and Down"
10. "Chasing Amy" -- "Boy Gets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Girl Gets Girl, Girl Loses Girl, Boy Gets Girl Back"
9. "Titanic" -- "Ship Outta Luck"
8. "Scream" -- "Stop Stabbing Me!" "Scream 2" -- "Stop Stabbing Me Again, Dammit!"
7. "Armageddon" -- "Giant Testosterone Ball Crashes to Earth"
6. "Something About Mary" -- "If She Likes the Hair Gel, Wait Till She Sees the Body Lotion!"
5. "Babe: Pig in the City" -- "The Happy Dumpling To Be Who Made Complete Friggin' Idiots Out of The NY Times and ABC News"
4. "Mask of Zorro" -- "My Long Hard Blade Can Help Many Women"
3. "You've Got Mail" -- "I've Put You Out of Business, Now Sleep With Me, Woman!"
2. "Die Hard" -- "Foolish American Overdoses on Viagra"
1. "Patch Adams" -- "Laugh At My Antics Before You Die, Sick Idiots!"
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com]
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| Posted by Darrick R. Adams on 14-Aug-2005 | If 99.9% Were Good Enough, then ...Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
11,000 faulty rolls of 35mm film will be loaded this year.
22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next 60 minutes
1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunication services every minute.
12 babies will be given to the wrong parents each day.
268,500 defective tires will be shipped this year.
14,208 defective PCs will be shipped this year.
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year.
2,488,200 books will be shipped in the next 12 months with the wrong cover.
5,517,200 cases of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will be flatter than a bad tire.
Two plane landings daily at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago will be unsafe.
3,065 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections.
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour.
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly this year.
$9,690 will be spent today, tomorrow, next Thursday, and every day in the future on defective, often unsafe sporting equipment.
55 malfunctioning automatic teller machines will be installed in the next 12 months.
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written in the next 12 months.
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped this year.
$761,900 will be spent in the next 12 months on tapes and CDs that won't play.
107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of the day today.
315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language will turn out to be misspelled.
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| Posted by Jon R. Markman on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number
9.) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T. J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
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| Posted by jordan on 14-Aug-2005 | Mommy, mommy...Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gram ma off the doorknob!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! The milkman's here;
Have you got the money or should I go out an play?
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!
Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her up three times this week.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear. Billy! Let go of her ear! All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor
Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
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| Posted by Kate Sugar Gal on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs You Might Need a New Roommate10.. Has posters of creepy Newsweek covers with "Doe" and "Lewinsky" over his/her bed...
9. Sings the ending to the Flintstones as "an all gay time..."
8 .. Mumbles incoherently to a now green piece of cheddar cheese.
7 .. Frequently looks down at crotch and argues "Lipid, SOLID, Lipid, SOLID...".
6.. His/her toothbrush has tried to make a "run for it".
5.. Claims he had an affair with Bill Clinton and has never left his home state of Montana.
4.. Bought a cage for the dustbunnies and keeps food and water in it for them.
3.. Is the sole attendee for a 12 step program no-one has ever heard of.
2.. Glows when sleeping.
1.. Believes that "up" is relative to the rotation of his home planet.
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| Posted by Yellow Jacket on 14-Aug-2005 | Not Too Bright... - Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- She's from the shallow end of the gene pool.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Nearly as bright as a one celled organism.
- Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
- If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean.
- One neuron short of a synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but she just gargled.
- Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
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