|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Jay Leenerts on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs the Glass Is Half Empty14> Your uncle passed away and named you as the sole heir -- to his dotcom stock.
13> You've written some of the world's greatest slams of Carrot Top, but Carrot Top himself is probably humping a model in the back of his Escalade somewhere in Malibu right *now*.
12> Despite your thirst, you can't even drink the half that's there, due to your biohazard mask.
11> Your wife finally agrees to have cosmetic surgery -- for breast *reduction*.
10> Olsen twins' "wetland areas" are "now open for drilling," but the girls aren't interested in your tubby old ass.
9> You ask your Magic 8-Ball 1,000 questions and get the same answer 1,000 times: "Prospects look dim."
8> You finally confirmed that it's your wife, not you, who is infertile -- by impregnating your mistress.
7> Getting that Ph.D. in physics dimmed your hopes of traveling back in time to nail Lana Turner.
6> You got everyone to hate the French even more than they already did, but the U.N. still won't vote to let you invade Paris.
5> Ringo is still alive.
4> Your wife's conservatism in the bedroom seemed quaintly charming until you saw her in an ad for the "Freakbang '02" video.
3> Your grandparents admit that you have it tougher than they ever did.
2> You've found a top-notch chef just in time for the grand opening of your new restaurant, "Vive La France."
1> You drop into your escape tunnel under the palace just in time to hear Alan Jackson music coming from the other end.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
():top list jokes (540): All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned at Melrose Place |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Ronald A. Court on 14-Aug-2005 | All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned at Melrose Place1.) All women are size 6 or smaller.
2.) There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters).
5.) No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture appears in the opening credits.
6.) All physicians are also trained psychiatrists.
7.) Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael tried to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael, Amanda and Bobby Paresi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly tried to kill the whole cast).
8.) In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to chief of staff in 2 seasons.
9.) In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from receptionist to VP in 2 episodes.
10.) You don't need to be legally sane to practice medicine.
11.) You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA (Richard) will still hire you.
12.) If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE bandage.
13.) When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair back to shoulder length.
14.) When the highlight of your week is the "scenes for next week", it's time to go out and get a life.
- You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist at a doctor's office.
- You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long as you fall on top of another body.
- Once you sleep with one sibling, you'll sleep with every other sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian guy/Sydney/Jane).
- If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be the person who has visited the building least often.
- You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within one month after your release from a mental hospital.
- Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks about it again.
- A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can be cured not by therapy, but by embarrassing your father at a barbecue.
- There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles.
- Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your roots show after bleaching it.
And the most important lesson:
- Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy Award nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sam Malone on 14-Aug-2005 | Life Lessons from learned from Melrose Place1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straight jacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs You're at a Bad National Park |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Christine Phung on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You're at a Bad National Park16. The only pictures Ansel Adams took of it were from inside the women's shower.
15. Joe Camel subbing for vacationing Smokey the Bear.
14. Extremely troubled Head Ranger who blames anything that goes wrong on Scott Baio.
13. A $20 cover and you still gotta pay extra for the lap dances.
12. Malnourished bears holding signs that read "Will caper amusingly for food."
11. According to posted signs, not only may you feed the animals, but afterward, you have a right to expect them to put out.
10. Pauly Shore's face is carved into the side of "Mount Paymore."
9. Bears not only take your picnic basket at gunpoint, but also make off with your Ford Explorer.
8. Your view of the scenery is blocked by reactor units #2 and #3.
7. "Here we see the oldest mobile home formations in the entire White Trash National Park."
6. Waterfalls seem to lose some of their majestic power whenever someone flushes a toilet.
5. Proudly proclaims, "100 percent Spotted Owl Free!"
4. When a squirrel runs by, park ranger bolts, screaming, "Run!! Run for your lives!!"
3. Every couple hundred feet along the hiking trails -- another Starbucks.
2. "Old Faithful" turns out to be a vacationing Frank Gifford.
1. On the tour, you see more of the Grand Crack in the ranger's ass than you do of the canyon.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Attractions at Michael Jackson's Amusement Park in Poland |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Lou Ser on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Attractions at Michael Jackson's Amusement Park in Poland15. The Jackson Siblings' Career Slide!
14. Kid Who Played Webster Petting Zoo
13. The Rusty Antique Moonwalk
12. The "Now Hold On Real Tight" Ride
11. The Hall Of Elizabeth Taylor's Ex-Husbands
10. Sign at park entrance which says, "You must be at least this young to enter."
9. The "Design Michael's Face" Computer Graphics Pavilion
8. Michael himself supervises the Lost Children hut
7. Handy "Need a glove, take a glove; Have a glove, leave a glove" boxes everywhere
6. Six Flags, depicting the 6 noses of Michael himself
5. "Candy from a Stranger" concession stands
4. "Touch The Kielbasa" Carousel
3. The Jackson dysfunctional family "get your ass on stage and perform" karaoke bar
2. "Yeah, I'm Tito. You want a churro or not?"
1. It's A Small Nose After All
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jr Sand on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 16 Signs You're in a Pauly Shore Movie16. Your "Will Act For Food" sign was evidently misread as "Will Act For Fool."
15. You can trace your character's lineage directly back to Spicoli in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
14. All you were told is that you got a part in a movie, and you play someone more inane than Pauly Shore.
13. You're irritating, marginally coherent, and comically dressed, yet chicks are diggin' you.
12. You have numerous sex scenes, but your only speaking line is "Baaaa!"
11. Screen test for part consisted of humiliating fraternity prank involving a hot dog and a flight of stairs.
10. The director asks you, Jim Carrey, Gilbert Gottfried, and Tim Conway to "dumb it down just a little more."
9. Your body contains more silicon than Deep Blue.
8. You bet your agent that she couldn't cast you in anything stupider than the "Ernest" series.
7. No male actors over 5' 4".
6. You work with your acting coach for weeks to totally nail down the inner character of "Totally Harsh Dude #2."
5. 20% of budget set aside for "breaking wind" sound effects.
4. After a day's shooting, you're beaten senseless in an alley by an enraged Siskel & Ebert.
3. All the extras cover their faces like prisoners on the 6 o'clock news.
2. You're surrounded by brilliant Shakespearean actors, all of whom have balloon payments due on their beach houses.
1. Daisy Fuentes co-stars as the President of the United States.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
