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| Posted by Father Baker on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs Your Invention Is a Failure14> You ask your robot caddy for a sand wedge and it hands you a tuna on rye.
13> The taste tests went well, and "SARS BARS" rhymed and everything...
12> Even Ralph Kramden turned you down for financing.
11> Your "Windshield Vaseline," while it does make the road look younger, has unfortunate side effects.
10> Your best remaining hope for commercialization: "Miller's Genuine Cold Fusion Draft."
9> It's hard to unfold a chocolate umbrella.
8> Two years later, and there are *still* no Segway-only traffic lanes.
7> "Watson, come here; I'm bleeding!"
6> Public debate regarding gun control aside, there simply is no ready market for your "Salad Stunner."
5> Despite the celebrity tie-in, your freezers are crammed with unsold "Gary Burghoff Frozen Gourmet Dinners."
4> Your "Kiwi Karving Kit" continues to be badly outsold at Halloween by those damn pumpkin traditionalists.
3> By law, you must print "Patent Forcibly Declined" on your invention.
2> Your product's catch phrase is: "Set it, read pages 11 through 26 in the owner's manual, and forget it!"
1> In hindsight, labeling your item as "Small enough to fit inside a hollowed-out human head!" might not have been the best marketing decision.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by J.C. Burkhart on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Backhanded Compliments (Part I)15> "I can't believe you can fit into such a small Speedo, Bob!"
14> "Most guys think they *have* to have a cool car -- but not you."
13> "A bright red mini-dress! You really have tons of confidence in your inner beauty."
12> "You really make me feel intelligent -- especially when you talk."
11> "Look at how much weight you've lost! That dress didn't fit you nearly as well at that last wedding you wore it to."
10> "Not only do you dance surprisingly well, you *smell* better than most ugly chicks."
9> "Great sermon, Father! That loud part at the end was a real wake-up call!"
8> "Wow! For a first-time sexual encounter, that was refreshingly speedy!"
7> "Now, now, it's just as important to stay behind and guard the women and children."
6> "It's nice that you can wear tight jeans without that unsightly bulge in the crotch that most men have."
5> "I've never seen a man chug so many chardonnays."
4> "No, really -- compared to Grenada, Afghanistan and Somalia, you Iraqi Army guys kick *ass.*"
3> "What I like about your toupee is it says, 'Hey, I have better things to spend my money on!'"
2> "You have 10 cats?!? Wow, it only smells like three or four."
1> "Okay, let's try it. One that size can't possibly be painful."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Things Overheard at the Cannes Film Festival |
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| Posted by Icy P. Fire on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Things Overheard at the Cannes Film Festival14> "Wow! 'The Matrix: Reloaded' was great! What did you think, Saddam?"
13> "Hey, who's the Girl Scout with Roman Polanski?"
12> "I laughed. I cried. I started handing out free deodorant."
11> "Amazing! It was nearly Sandlerian!"
10> "But monsieur, Tom Green is surely the greatest comic genius since Jerry Lewis!"
9> "Get the 'Jaws of Life.' Someone's got his lips vapor-locked to Scorsese's ass again."
8> "Monsieur Stallone! More ice water, maintenant!"
7> "I swear, if zey make us sit through another Keanu Reeves movie, we're taking back ze Statue of Liberty."
6> "No Milk Duds or Raisinets? You call this a film festival?!?"
5> "Every year these Americans show up, and this town reeks of soap and shampoo for a month afterwards."
4> "I surrender -- to the charm of this film!"
3> "I'm afraid your visits to the concession counter are affecting the tides, Monsieur Ebert."
2> "I presented myself the Palme d'Rouge last night!"
1> "Yes, your breasts are quite impressive -- but it's usually the women who go topless here, Mr. Goodman."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Laxori Shiin on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Worst Names for Boats15> Hazelwood's Party Pad
14> The Gerald Fitzedmund
13> The Absolutely, Positively, Iron-Clad-Guarantee, Zero-Possibility-Of-Error Unsinkable Just-Made-the-Final-Payment
12> The www.MakeMoneyFromBelowDeck.com
11> Osama bin Sailin'!
10> U.S.S. Shirley Shirley bo birley banana fana fo firley me mi mo mirley... SHIRLEY!
9> The Compensator
8> Jenna, the Girl I Dated in High School Who Gave Me Herpes and Cheated on Me With My Dad's Best Friend
7> The Havana Ferry
6> *NSINK
5> Carrie Ingillegalimigrantsanddrugsininternationalwaters
4> H.M.S. Chum Bucket
3> Ignore This Distress Call
2> James Cameron's Wet Dream
1> The #13 Unsinkable Kennedy 666
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Rejected Action Hero Catch Phrases |
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| Posted by erin zilka on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Rejected Action Hero Catch Phrases13> "Let's agree to disagree, punk."
12> "I'll be back. As long as I'm going, do you want anything from the Bath and Body Shop?"
11> "Use the big-ass gun, Luke!"
10> "I'm about to give you one more reason to vote for universal health care!"
9> "I know you are, punk, but what am I?"
8> "You just messed with the wrong motivational speaker, my friend!"
7> "A little song, a little dance, a little can of Whoop-Ass down your pants."
6> "You're going to want to put some ice on that."
5> "Yippie Ki Yay, Mother Superior!"
4> "Where do you want to hurt today?"
3> "Let's mambo with Mr. Pain!"
2> "Do you feel like chicken tonight, punk?"
1> "Justice? You're soaking in it!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by stew pid on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines12> Wimpy -- "I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today."
11> Foghorn Leghorn -- "Ah say, boy, ah say, you've got it all wrong. Those little chickens you've been chasing around are roosters. What you want is a big ol' hen, like me."
10> Bart Simpson -- "Eat my shorts, ma'am!"
9> Batman -- "Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me and the Boy Wonder?"
8> Speedy Gonzales -- "Senorita, it's just a nickname!"
7> Pepe LePew -- "But, mon cherie -- I don't smell any worse than anyone else in France."
6> Ross Perot -- "I'm worth $4 billion."
5> Porky Pig -- "L-L-Let's go back to my place and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu... hump."
4> Popeye -- "I'm strong to the finish 'cause I takes Viagra!"
3> Pinocchio -- "Hey, I *am* a woody!"
2> Underdog -- "My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are pure and true, can I sniff your rear?"
1> Tweety Bird -- "I wuuuv to eat putty!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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