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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 14 Signs You're Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy |
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| Posted by Steph Reddin on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs You're Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy14. Before stepping out of your car, you put in a mouthpiece, slip on protective goggles, and tape your ankles.
13. You've somehow convinced yourself that "Visa burn" entitles you to park in handicapped spaces.
12. You call the kids to dinner and hear their muffled screams coming from boxes you wrapped that afternoon.
11. At 95% off, you don't care if that Acme Iron Lung works or not -- your kids are going to use it and appreciate it!
10. Sure, the sign says "1 Furby per customer", but they're probably not doing body cavity searches.
9. The bank has replaced your Platinum Visa with a one-of-a-kind Plutonium Visa.
8. On any given day, you have more plastic on you than Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee combined.
7. In an effort to please your 5-year-old, you trade your 2-year-old for a Furby.
6. Upon awakening on the sofa, you discover 10 beer empties, 5 Cheetoh bags, and an answering machine message thanking you for your order of 100 Dale Earnhardt Hummel Figures
5. The producer of "American Gladiators" calls after seeing you fight for the last Furby on CNN.
4. Just too busy shopping to fact-check your NY Times article.
3. Currently spending more time at "Amazon.com" than at "AmazonWomen.com"
2. Your MasterCard bill arrives on a Zip disk.
1. You hike up your skirt in front of the Toys 'R' Us manager, and in a throaty moan utter, "Wanna trade Furbies?"
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by babygirl on 14-Aug-2005 | Santa's HelpersHow do English teachers refer to Santa's Little Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses!
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| Posted by Ryan Gould on 14-Aug-2005 | Mutilated X-Mas Carols(To the tune of Deck The Halls)
See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La
(To The Tune Of We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!
(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.
(To The Tune Of Silent Night)
Friday night,
Holy night
Me and my chick
got into a fight,
Boy I miss her now that she's gone,
I go and visit her at Forest Lawn,
Sleep in heavenly peace...
Sleep in heavenly peace.
(To The Tune Of Frosty The Snowman)
Frosty the cokehead was a crazed neurotic soul,
With a big glass pipe and a vial of crack,
And no sense of self control.
There must have been some poison in that last dime bag he got,
For when he took his first big hit he dropped dead on the spot.
Frosty the cokehead doesn't worry anymore,
Cuz when all is said,
and your cold and dead,
Then you never have to score.
(To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)
Oh you better not shout,
you better not cry, You better not pout,
I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's walkin' real slow,
he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,
He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo.... You better not pout,
you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
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| Posted by Mike Cook on 14-Aug-2005 | Ken's LetterDear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability t change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets.
And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.
PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.
Sincerely, Ken
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| Posted by cooter on 14-Aug-2005 | Grumpy ChristmasT'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
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| Posted by Educated Olive on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas GiftA young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
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