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| Posted by Star Shooter on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs You're Dead14> Goth chicks are diggin' your look.
13> "Weekend at Bernie's" just isn't as funny as it used to be.
12> Only necrophiliacs answer your personal ad.
11> A federal agent is prying your gun from your cold hands.
10> Last thing you remember is beaming down to that planet in your red security uniform.
9> An announcer screams, "The Cubs win the World Series!"
8> Haley Joel Osment has been following you all day saying, "I see... you."
7> You're the rankest smelling thing in a Parisian cheese shop.
6> You have a vague recollection of saying, "Watch this! I saw it on 'Jackass'!"
5> Your entrepreneurial son opens you up as a bait shop.
4> Overwhelming desire to feast on the flesh of the living. (Also a sign you may be Don King.)
3> You're one of the *thin* Kennedys.
2> Anna Nicole Smith is hugging, crying, and kissing you as never before.
1> Album sales up 35%!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Questions You'd Rather Not Be Asked |
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| Posted by Ryan D. Bloom on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Questions You'd Rather Not Be Asked14> "You were, uh, *born* a man, right?"
13> "Are you going to tell me the secret code, or am I going to have to assume you're an alien and blast you?"
12> "You and your wife were never very big on that 'exclusive' thing, right?"
11> "Where were you on the night Ms. Tripp was impregnated?"
10> "Can you help me carry this across the street? It's not very infected, just a little slippery."
9> "...and do you take this man, Orenthal James Simpson, to be your lawfully-wedded husband?"
8> "Daddy, can you tell if this pus is coming from my labia tattoo or my labia piercing?"
7> "Well, if that's not your prostate, what is it?"
6> "When did you decide to invest all your lottery winnings in Pets.com?"
5> "What made you think I was a doctor?"
4> "Weren't you wearing a condom earlier?"
3> "So, boss... does your coffee taste funny this morning?"
2> "Mr. Secretary, did the President tell the Chinese Ambassador we are maintaining a 'preventory' nuclear presence in the China Sea or a 'pre-emptory' nuclear presence?"
1> "Blindfold?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Michael Jackson jokes on 13-Aug-2005 | 16 Steps to Build a Campfire1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
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| Posted by Tim B on 13-Aug-2005 | Fun things to do in an Elevator1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
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| Posted by Brad C. Hubele on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Rejected Game Show Ideas14> The Bong Show
13> Whose Pants Are These, Anyway?
12> Iron Fry Cook
11> Dating Game v6.05 -- Techies attempt to impress dates by answering unsolved help desk questions.
10> "Who" or "Whom"?
9> To Tell the Precisely Defined, Legally Defensible, Lawyer-Approved, Carefully Chosen Truth
8> Bowling for Gum
7> Kathie Lee Gifford's "Who Wants To Make 50 Cents An Hour?"
6> Leper-dy!
5> Wheel of Fortran
4> First Family Feud
3> Who Wants To Be A Prison Bitch?
2> Let's Bake A Veal
1> Win Ben Stein's Undies
[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Sarah Rebeca on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 9 Signs Your Roommate Is A Cannibal9> You often wake up to find your hand in a pot of warm water -- with potatoes and carrots.
8> Always clipping those "Flabby White Guy Helper" coupons.
7> All the empty McDonner's containers he leaves around the apartment.
6> Maybe he said "head of lettuce" when you asked about what was wrapped up the refrigerator, but it sure sounded like "head of Cleatus."
5> Every day, the same routine -- he comes home from med school and lets loose a big, loud, formaldehyde-smelling burp.
4> Nervously changes the channel whenever "Cannibals Caught on Tape" comes on.
3> The tubby kid from across the hall is missing; she's trying to decide which windows to click down on her Richard Simmons Food Planner.
2> Well, *you* sure didn't buy that box of BitchQuick in the cupboard.
1> When you ask what he wants on the pizza, he always says, "Ask if they have buttocks."
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
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