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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Signs You're the Unluckiest Person on Earth |
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| Posted by Anita Bath on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs You're the Unluckiest Person on Earth14> Your first major coup as VP of marketing at Gap Kids was to sign Michael Jackson to a 10-year deal.
13> You were married to a drunk Britney Spears for seven hours and still didn't get any.
12> Sure, your unit captured Saddam -- but guess who had to do the body cavity search?
11> The officer might have stopped after citing you for DUI, drug possession and public nudity had his daughter not fallen out of your back seat.
10> It turns out that great new government job you landed last year only pays you for the WMD you actually find.
9> You choked to death on pudding.
8> You find a four-leaf clover by the side of the hiking trail, but you can't pick it because an angry grizzly bear just tore off both of your arms.
7> You supported the 2000 Gore campaign from the money you got selling your Halliburton shares.
6> You followed your friend's advice, despite it being both difficult *and* illegal, yet your new rabbi's foot hasn't changed your fortunes one bit.
5> You and Adam Sandler can't be in the same room for fear of causing a cataclysmic explosion.
4> Your diet candy, Ayds, mysteriously hit the skids in the '80s, but now you're on the comeback trail, marketing a zesty new soda called Sarr's.
3> At the end of your rainbow, you find an empty pot surrounded by leprechauns passed out in pools of whisky vomit.
2> It's been almost a year, but you still haven't received any royalty checks for your best-selling autobiography, "12-Time Identity Theft Victim."
1> There may be only a few months remaining for you to enjoy the sweet scents of innocent youth -- and your nose keeps falling off.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs You Live in the World's Dumbest Town |
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| Posted by Pat Kingsley on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You Live in the World's Dumbest Town15> Mayor Ryan Seacrest emcees the yearly Village Idiot festival.
14> You celebrate the Fourth of July in May, when the weather is nicer.
13> Anyone can easily bypass security at City Hall by dressing like Mayor McCheese.
12> The high school valedictorian? Jessica Simpson.
11> The locals don't believe in the teaching of education in the schools.
10> Schools and offices close on the third Monday in January to commemorate "Billie Jean King Day."
9> Revitalization hopes seem to be pinned on the planned TopFive Stadium.
8> Despite protests from the community theater folks, the city council recently banned thespian weddings.
7> The town's pride and joy: the world's only aquatic sports center/waste treatment plant.
6> Standardized tests suggest that the entire population does disgusting things with pencils.
5> Half the citizens are still preparing for Y2K, "just in case."
4> Despite 857 deaths in the past decade, St. Patrick's Day is still celebrated by leaving all the traffic lights on green.
3> Town stationery bears the official slogan: "Proud Birthplace of Woody Harrelson."
2> In the 2000 presidential election, the entire population mistakenly cast their votes for Rutherford B. Hayes.
1> This week's double feature at the Bijou: "Dumb and Dumber" and "Dumb and Dumber."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by scott m on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Surprises at the Oscars15> Not only is he devastatingly handsome, Eugene Levy can sing, too!
14> Charlize Theron announces that in "Monster 2," she'll play the dress that was eating Uma Thurman.
13> Three of the five "Queer Eye" guys have strokes when they see Peter Jackson.
12> Billy Crystal shows he has bigger boobs than Renee Zellweger.
11> The ugly catfight when Johnny Depp tries to get his outfit back from Diane Keaton.
10> Price Waterhouse divulges that Roman Polanski tried to vote for Keisha Castle-Hughes multiple times.
9> Although he couldn't make it to the awards, Nemo was resting comfortably in the Flipper wing of the Betty Ford Clinic.
8> In a special live broadcast from San Francisco, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon finally tie the knot.
7> The New Zealand mafia somehow got to Price Waterhouse!
6> Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon receives a lifetime achievement award.
5> A tearful Peter Jackson thanks his brother, Samuel L.
4> The ghost of Gene Siskel repeatedly knocks the Raisinets out of Roger Ebert's hands.
3> The only exposed boob in sight? Keanu Reeves.
2> Oprah Winfrey gets caught slipping away from her seat to buy Girl Scout cookies from Jack Nicholson's date.
1> Covering the red carpet for Peoria's public access channel 58? Ben and Jen!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day |
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| Posted by WhaWhitney on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day25> "No cover sheet on your expense report? Prepare yerself to be walking the plank, matey."
24> "Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break room for plunderin'."
23> "Sixteen men an' a copier mess -- yo, ho, ho and a bottle of toner."
22> "Avast, men! Get a telescope full of the doubloons on *that* vessel."
21> "I'll be keelhaulin' the next one of ye what leaves ye filthy Tupperware in the break room sink!"
20> "Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we'll one day partake of noontime grub together."
19> "No, Bob, I will not 'shiver your timbers.' I will, however, call my attorney."
18> "To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be ours, to each in a fortieth share!"
17> "Me cell phone fell deep into Davy Jones' locker! Nobody flush... I'll go get me hook."
16> "Save that last donut for me, unless ya care to feel the cold steel of my hook hand up yer arse, matey."
15> "Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes upon me?"
14> "Fax ahoy, mateys!"
13> "Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule's port bow! Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed!"
12> "No increase in me pay? Arrr, boss, let me tell ye where ye can store that hook!"
11> "Hold that elevator, ye whoreson bilge rat!"
10> "Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin' a reboot first? Arrr! It's the plank for you, ye mangy cur... and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!"
9> "Arrr, load the Canon, wench, and collate me copies!"
8> "Avast, ya scurvy knave! Brave be ye, for certain, but arrr ye willin' ta die fer that parking spot?"
7> "Twenty paces past the Magic Fountain of Water... bear ye left past the Chamber of Meetings... and a minute's voyage down the Great Carpeted Hallway... the unisex bathroom'll be on yer port side."
6> "Aye, if it's a large treasure chest and amazin' booty ye seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist."
5> "Boss, I'll be borrowin' a coupla doubloons from petty cash fer some Ho Ho's and a bottle of rum."
4> "Aaaarrrrrghhh! Who among us floated the air mead?"
3> "Arrr! I've arrr!anged for Arrr!lene in arrr!chives to send up that arrr!ticle on arrr!bitration."
2> "Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!"
1> "Arrr, I have made note of yer demands and I have but one question for ye: Will ye be wantin' slivers o' potato fried in the popular French style with that?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Quotes We Wish Were in the "Lord of the Rings" Movies |
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| Posted by Hyper Tin on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Quotes We Wish Were in the "Lord of the Rings" Movies
15> "Say my name, dwarf!"
14> "Look, Sam, my name isn't *Mr.* Frodo -- it's Frodo. Mr. Baggins if you're nasty."
13> "You had me at 'Aiya vanima.'"
12> "Nice work killing that Orc, faithful friend, but still it twitches. Slay it again, Sam!"
11> "I. Don't. Like. The. Leggings. Drying. On. The. Rod!"
10> "It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that ring... doo-wah-tee-wah, doo-wah-tee-wah, doo-wah-tee-wah!"
9> "Brethren of Gondor, we are gathered here to join Arwen Evenstar and Aragorn, son of Arathorn, in holy matrimony. Frodo, do you have the ring?"
8> "Elvens have left the building."
7> "Attention, audience: Fair Arwen is speaking, so you may all relax, as nothing important will take place. The next 10 minutes would be an excellent time to go pee."
6> "Legolas my Eggolas!"
5> "Go not by that path, Aragorn! For my young companion Osment sees dead people!"
4> "Smeagol, do you like movies about gladiators?"
3> "You sure you ain't never been just a wee bit curious, Mr. Frodo?"
2> "Ha! Let the dark armies of Saruman come! It would take an entire brigade of giant mutant four-tusked elephants to conquer our... well, son of a bitch!"
1> "Run, forest, run!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Maryanne on 14-Aug-2005 | List of Terms for Taking a Crap
Anal puking
Analyzing a log dump
Answering the call of the wild
Backing the trailer in
Baking a hot icicle
Baking a loaf
Baking a potato
Baking a russet
Baking some brownies
Baptising (insert ethnic derogatory here) eggs/larvae
Barbarians at the gate
Becoming one with the animal kingdom
Being anal-nonretentive
Big brown man knocking on the back door
Birthing a turd
Blowing mud
Blowing a butt plug
Blowing the butt trumpet
Bombing the bowl
Bombing Hiroshima
Bombing the Oval Office
Bombing the Tidy Bowl Man
Building a bench
Building a dookie castle
Building a Gomer Pyle (gawwwwleeee, Sarge!)
Building a home for a dung beetle
Burying an elf
Carpet bombing
Catching up on some reading
Chalking the bowl
Choking a brownie
Choking a darkie
Chopping a log
Christening a boat
Cleaning the tuba
Coiling a steamer
Committing yourself to the dumpatorium
Communing with nature
Conducting a movement
Consulting your ASStrological chart
Contaminating the dog dish
Cooking a brown carrot
Cooking a brown kielbasa
Cooking a butt burrito
Cooking some chocolate
Cooking some fudge
Cooking some sausage
Cooking up a pot of anal stew
Crap
Crimping off a length
Creating an ex-wife/ex-husband
Crunching one
Curling some pipe
Cutting some rope
Dancing with Duece Bigalog
Debulking
Defecate
Delivering a wild pitch
Dirty birth
Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap
Disembowel
Disemfibering
Disposing of some hazardous waste
Doing your paperwork
Doing the Royal Squat
Doo-doo
Dookin it out
Downloading some brownware
Drawing mud
Drilling for mud bunnies
Dropping a bomb
Dropping a brown trout
Dropping a chocolate cobra
Dropping a deuce
Dropping a dookie
Dropping a load
Dropping a log
Dropping a scone
Dropping a spike
Dropping a stool
Dropping anchor
Dropping loggy log
Dropping the chalupa
Dropping the kids off at the pool/lake
Dropping wolf bait
Dropping your ordinance
Drowning the kittens
Dump
Dumping a load
Dumping an organic depth charge
Dumping a stump
Emptying your anus
Enjoying a meatball sandwich
Evacuate
Exploring the watery cave
Exporting a cigar to Cuba
Feeding the fish
Feeding the flies
Feeding the pets
Feeding the refugees
Feeding your toilet
Fighting the rat
Filling the peanut butter jar
Firing the cannon
Flexing your cheeks
Floating a boat
Floating a trout
Floating one for the Gipper
Flossing
Flushing feces
Forcing the duck to quack
Foraging for dungleberries
Full moon over troubled waters
Getting down and dirty
Getting into deep doo-doo
Giving a dirty birth
Giving a (insert ethnic derogatory here) a burial at sea
Giving birth to a (insert ethnic derogatory here)
Giving the hemmies (or the man in the canoe - for the ladies) some breathing room
Giving the neighbors some food for thought
Goin' fecen
Going caca
Going into labor
Greeting Mr. Hankey (South Park kicks ass!)
Grinding the beef
Growing a tail
Grunting a loaf
Hanging a grogan
Hatching a new boss
Having a shit
Heaving a Havana
Hitting a double
Hitting pay dirt
Honking out a dirt snake
Hound doggin'
Hurling a turd
Igniting a rectal rocket
Inspecting the facilities
Jettisoning the alien*
Killing the bathroom
Killing the shitter
Launching a butt shuttle
Launching a corn canoe
Launching a scud
Launching a torpedo
Laying a brick
Laying a log
Laying some brown carpet
Laying some cable
Laying some pipe
Let my people go
Letting off a corn rocket
Letting the dog out
Loading the crapper
Log jam
Logging out
Losing some weight the quick way
Making a Baby Ruth
Making a core dump
Making a delivery
Making a deposit at the porcelain bank
Making a doo-doo
Making a grunt sculpture
Making a log entry
Making a Minnesota hand warmer
Making modern art
Making mud
Making room for lunch
Making some butt gravy
Making some fertilizer
Making some haggis
Making some trouser chili
Manufacturing a three-coil steamer
Meditating
Measuring the depths of the water below
Microwaving a dachsund
Mooning the Tidy Bowl Man
Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages
Offloading some freight
Packing your underwear
Painting with the brown stuff
Painting the bowl
Parking your breakfast
Parking some bark
Passing a load of coal down the chute
Passing the baton
Paving the Hershey highway
Paying the plumber
Peeling the wallpaper
Pinching a chimp
Pinching a crusty roll
Pinching a loaf
Planting a steaming bouquet of brown roses
Pinching the head off a (insert ethnic derogatory here)
Pissing rusty water out of your ass
Planting some corn
Playing at the toilet bowl
Playing a small percussion instrument
Playing craps
Playing with Winnie the Poo (sic)
Plop
Poking the turtle's head out
Polluting the pond
Pooping
Popping some corn
Praying to Buddha
Punching a grumpy
Punishing the porcelain
Putting fruit in the bowl
Quaking the porcelain
Quickening the cleansing
Recycling corn/fiber
Releasing a load of bowel bombs
Releasing the demons
Releasing the hounds
Releasing your payload
Removing a butt tampon
Reversing a Ho-Ho
Riding the ceramic carthorse
Riding the hoop
Ringing the church bells (Dung! Dung!)
Rocking your rectum
Ripping a duece
Rolling a nut log
Sandblasting the toilet
Sawing off a log
Scaring up a tater
Seeking revenge for the Brown Bomber
Sending a message to the White House
Shaking your booty
Shit
Shooting the Hershey squirts
Singing with Michael Bolton
Sinking the Bismark
Sinking a link
Sitting on the bowl
Sitting on the can
Sitting on the throne
Slapping the pod
Snapping a log
Snapping a yambo
Solid fart
Sphincter snot
Sphincter spew
Sphincter spurt
Spray and wipe
Squat and clench
Squeezing a coily
Squeezing a loaf
Squeezing off a few rounds
Squeezing one out
Squeezing out those last few calories
Squeezing the butt mustard
Squeezing the cheese
Squirting dirt
Staining the porcelain
Stocking the pond with brown trout
Stretching the sphincter muscle
Studying at the library
Tainting the cloth
Taking a doogie
Taking a dump
Taking a Donald dump
Taking a growler
Taking a load off your mind
Taking an SS Capolongo
Taking a shit
Taking a steamer
Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl
Taking the kids to the waterslide
Testing the plumbing
Torqueing a moon-fish
Touching cloth
Training a (insert ethnic derogatory here) to jump through the hoop
Turning the wienermobile into a submarine
Unleashing the holy leviathan
Updating the Captain's log
Vacating the premises
Visiting the toilet for a poo-poo
Voiding your bowels
Watching a dolphin splash
Weasel nosing
Xeroxing a copy of the bad stuff
Yanking the worm out of the hole
Yodeling in the canyon
Zapping the porcelain
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