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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Surprises at the Comic Strip Character 25-Year Reunion (Part II) |
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| Posted by Clare Sakic on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Surprises at the Comic Strip Character 25-Year Reunion (Part II)14> To the surprise of nobody, Schroeder shows up with Nathan Lane.
13> Dagwood now must precede every giant sandwich with doses of Pepcid AC and Beano.
12> Prince Valiant's comb-over ain't fooling anyone.
11> After downing a few too many daiquiris, Blondie proves to everyone that "the hat matches the purse."
10> Don't ask Colonel Bailey about his former CO Sarge, and he won't tell.
9> Linus has been on death row since giving up his blanket and climbing a tower with an AK-47.
8> Having completed their plans for world domination, the cows from "The Far Side" have the reunion all to themselves.
7> Jeffy from "Family Circus"? A youth spent seeing invisible grandparents and problem-causing ghosts landed him in Scientology.
6> In an ironic twist, it turns out the real Garfield was flattened on the windshield of a Volvo in 1991.
5> Calvin chooses to remain in the parking lot, urinating on cars.
4> The passing years having taken their toll, Dilbert now needs Viagra to keep his tie from hanging limp.
3> Spider-Man already has 2,857,659 grandchildren.
2> Where's Dolly from "Family Circus"? Follow the dotted line to the back of Sluggo's Escalade.
1> Sole heir to Charles Schultz's fortune, Charlie Brown drives up in a yellow Ferrari with a jagged black racing stripe.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part I) |
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| Posted by Eric Mitchell on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part I)15> We were waiting for the Supreme Court to tell us whether it was okay.
14> It's just too PC to use the group epithets that apply to you, you intellectually-impaired ability-challenged Irish-American person of alternative sexuality.
13> You never actually read the list, preferring to just skip right to that day's ambience.
12> Tom Ridge told us that if we insult you, the terrorists win.
11> Your inability to get past third grade left you too stupid to realize the redneck jokes are *all* about you.
10> Let's just say that owning www.chriswhitenude.com keeps the hounds at bay.
9> Because you're a spineless wuss who just sits there and takes it like the little prison bitch you are.
8> You've got more important things to worry about, seeing as how you haven't had a big hit since "Mandy."
7> You're one of the thousands of cowardly wimps who added your name to Top5's nationwide "Do Not Insult" list. Oops! Dammit, another fine!
6> All this time, you thought your favorite movie star's name was Paul E. Shore.
5> We tried, but apparently you missed our special "The Top 25 Things We Hate About Trek-Watching, SUV-Driving, D&D-Playing, Stamp-Collecting, Grit-Magazine-Selling White Supremacists" list.
4> Your favorite fetish is so utterly twisted, perverse and beyond the realm of human decency that, well, we enjoy it ourselves.
3> You've got unusually thick skin for such a little girlie-man.
2> We've placed you in the "attractive, but dumb enough to possibly agree to sleep with us" category and don't want to hurt our chances.
1> Not being Wiccan, you *have* a sense of humor.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part II) |
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| Posted by Marshky Marshk on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part II)15> We're still too busy answering "fan mail" from 1999's NRA list.
14> Oh, we have, we have. You're just too obtuse to have noticed. By the way: nice haircut.
13> You rely on Amish AOL for all your e-mail humor updates.
12> It's our fault -- we didn't realize a few people actually voted for Pat Buchanan on purpose.
11> Left-handed feminist surfers are pretty laid back unless we make fun of the way your pendulous breasts swing when you wax your boards.
10> You open your daily Top 5 List e-mail message only to see if there are any pictures.
9> We insult men in descending order of penis size, so you may be waiting a while, Chester.
8> After Bill's repudiation, Ken's interrogation, Hillary's disdain, Linda's betrayal, cable news' vilification, HBO's lack of support and the dismal failure of "Mr. Personality," Top5 couldn't possibly get under your skin.
7> As a Vulcan, you have no emotions.
6> You get automatic immunity because you're a contributor now, unlike that pompous airbag Trebek.
5> Despite your numerous amusing balding middle-aged guy foibles, the balding middle-aged guys who own and write the lists fail to see the humor potential.
4> You always bring twice-baked potatoes smeared with Country Crock and Velveeta to the weekly Top5 staff meetings.
3> Because we're gentle-natured, compassionate folks who would never intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, even a semi-literate pea-brained walking bullseye like you.
2> Alphabetically, you're on our list right after Zone Diet followers and zoologists, Sheep-Boy.
1> "Sorry, I'm away from my e-mail again today. I'm busy banging yet another bikini model on the beach in the back of my Hummer between bank runs! Hugs & Kisses, Carrot Top."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Things Overheard in New York City During the Blackout |
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| Posted by Save D. Last Dance on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Things Overheard in New York City During the Blackout14> "Does something smell funny to you? ... No, I mean funnier than usual."
13> "Hey, I don't hear Howard Stern! For the first time in twenty years, I DO NOT HEAR HOWARD STERN! Praise ye thy God, for He is mighty, merciful, and just!"
12> [sniff, sniff] "Canal Street's this way."
11> "I hope we get the power back before I have to carry The Donald up to his penthouse again."
10> "Hey, would the redhead in the leather skirt who boarded the subway carrying a Tower Records bag give a holler? What I'm groping here feels more like denim."
9> "What the hell are all those twinkling things in the sky?"
8> "Somebody tell the good Reverend Sharpton that we'll have his hot comb working as quickly as we can, and there is no reason for the bullhorn and the protesters."
7> "So we followed the glow from the crack pipes...."
6> "I'd like to shake your hand and thank police academy cadets like you for all the hard work you're doing helping to maintain order during this difficult time for our fine city."
"Thank you, President Clinton, but that's not my hand."
5> "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? No? Then kindly unhand my wiener."
4> "If you'll all just proceed in a trendy and disaffected manner, we'll get this club emptied in no time."
3> "Do you have any batteries, or should I just go f**k myself?"
2> "You got stuck at the top of the Empire State Building? Big deal! *I* got stuck in a mammography machine!"
1> "Man, if I had known that I'd be sleeping on the sidewalk tonight, I wouldn't have peed all over it on my way to work this morning."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Things You'll Never Say a Second Time |
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| Posted by Brynn Barraclough on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Things You'll Never Say a Second Time15> "Boss, that project is so simple, any idiot could bring it in ahead of schedule and under budget."
14> "I hope the fine isn't more than $200, officer. That's all I have with me."
13> "Question over here, Arnold! Why does Maria look like a friggin' skeleton?"
12> "Oooh! Somebody from Montana sent me a package made entirely of wood!"
11> "Cool! If you look through the wrong end of the binoculars, those charging elephants look really far away!"
10> "Hell's Angels? Then why are you all dressed like one of the Village People?"
9> "Hey, anyone wanna bet me I can't stuff this wad of salt-water taffy into my johnson and target-shoot that beer bottle off the bar?"
8> "'Don't try this at home,' my ass."
7> "Tequila? That stuff's for wimps! I can drink it all night and still be sober enough to drive home."
6> "After I pick up my handgun, let's go see that new Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez flick."
5> "Don't give me any of that white-trash trailer-skank attitude, waitress. Just bring me my damn soup."
4> "Believe me, John Ashcroft has much better things to do than read some lame-ass Internet humor list."
3> "Here are your sunglasses, Mrs. Simpson."
2> "You're STD-free, right? Man, I can't believe I'm sleeping with a girl who knows Charlie Sheen!"
1> "We'll be safe here, Uday and Qusay."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by leilah on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Worst "Line Extension" Products20> Froot Parallelograms
19> Coleslaw Patch Dolls
18> Bacardi's 3 Mile Island Iced Tea
17> Chicken McNougats
16> Kellogg's Salt-Frosted Flakes
15> 3M Post-It Pink Slips
14> Breyers Fish 'N' Chips Ice Cream
13> Chips O'Soy
12> Kleenex Kleer Transparent Tissues
11> Operation: Hannibal Lecter Edition
10> "CSI: Salt Lake City"
9> MoTox -- with 20% more toxins!
8> BottomFive.com
7> Dan Rather's Naked News
6> Dr. Scholl's Exercise Thongs
5> Jell-O Pork 'n' Pudding Pops
4> 10-10-911
3> Unlucky Charms ("They're Wiccanly delicious!")
2> Blue Velveeta
1> Swanson's Thirsty Man 80-Ounce Malt Liquor
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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