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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday |
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| Posted by dan hoffman on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday14. Nobody knows, but they found her naked behind the sofa.
13. Had 40 donuts and make a quick trip to the bathroom.
12. For kicks, told an 11-year-old girl she looked "a little chunky."
11. Got "dollfaced."
10. Same as last year -- had another rib removed.
9. Got jiggy in the barracks with G.I. Joe.
8. Drowned her sorrows in a thimbleful of Barbie Dream Gin while listening to the deafening roar of her biological clock.
7. Dumped Ken. Flashed thong at Bill. Waited for million dollar book deal.
6. Weekly tanning session in an Easy Bake oven.
5. Same as every day -- curled up on a couch watching "The View" with General Foods Viennese coffee blend and Snackwells cookies.
4. Another night searching in vain for Ken's "accessory."
3. Had a big party and invited all her plastic friends -- just like the rest of us do.
2. Ransacked the house looking for that arm the dog chewed off.
1. Gave Ken a red marker and let him draw some nipples.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Rosanna h. Young on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Hard to Find Scavenger Hunt Items13. A dry cleaning ticket from Monica Lewinsky
12. An intersection without a Starbucks
11. A stale Twinkie
10. A Girl Scout leader with a sense of humor
9. A gram of gray matter or a shred of dignity from Washington, DC
8. A 2-liter bottle of Bismuth 209
7. The name and address of that Las Vegas "hostess" who ran off with my wallet whilst I was asleep
6. Joe Piscopo's career
5. A million dollars in small, unmarked bills
4. A Windex sandwich
3. A Radio Shack employee who attended college
2. A volume from Posh Spice's Nietzsche library
1. Osama bin Laden's "Girls of the Arabian Peninsula" exercise video
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| Posted by Eric Willis on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Rejected TV Cowboy Names13. Petticoat Marv
12. Heidi Ho: Frontier Flatbacker
11. Diarrhea Dan - The Fastest Shot In The West
10. "Tin Man" Starr: U.S. Marshall and his sidekick, Clint N. Stain
9. "Three-Legged" Dirk
8. Three-Fingered, make that "Two-Fingered", well, wait a minute now.... ah, hell -- The Leprosy Kid
7. Nurturing Smith and His Trusty Sidekick, Cherish
6. Gene-DMC, the Rappin' Cowboy
5. Richard Van Deibel, Cowboy Massage Therapist
4. Ole' Dirty Cowpoke
3. Bat Masturbationson
2. Cowboy Spice
1. "Pedophile Bob" and His Singin' Pocket 'O Jerky
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():top list jokes (540): Important Things Learned About Life From Action Adventure Films |
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| Posted by James Craven on 14-Aug-2005 | Important Things Learned About Life From Action Adventure Films1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: One type want to go to bed with you, and the other type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my coworkers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman (see #7, above).
12. I will befriend at least one black guy, if white, or one white guy, if black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
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():top list jokes (540): Top Ten Reasons why the Star Wars Characters would kick butt in the Star Trek Universe |
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| Posted by Happy Hippy Hamster on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Reasons why the Star Wars Characters would kick butt in the Star Trek Universe10 - In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun."
9 - The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter containment unit and a crew of twenty just to go to warp -- the Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8 - After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable -- after some Cardassian starvation and torture, Picard looked like crap.
7 - Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
6 - Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
5 - One word: lighsabers.
4 - The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
3 - The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
2 - Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
1 - Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impluse power. Han Solo floors it.
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():top list jokes (540): Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle. |
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| Posted by HappyFunnyBanana on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle.10) "Is it virgin's tears and dragon's blood, or dragon's tears and virgin's blood? Maybe the dragon was a virgin.."
9) "Hmm...is this the recipe for a Potion of Healing, or for Chile Con Carne?"
8) "Oh, oh, oh, oh! That wand of cold balls -didn't- do what I expected."
7) "By any chance, have you seen a summoned 9th order fire elemental wandering around? No? Oh.. Tell me if you do."
6) "It's supposed to have five points?"
5) "My familiar will take care of that dragon! Sic 'em, Fifi!"
4) "What kind of cheap, wussyarse excuse for a djinn only gives one wish? Oh, he's still here..."
3) "Eennie, meenie, miny, moe.. Which end points toward the foe?"
2) "Damn. I knew I should have used Energizers in this thing."
1) "Oops..."
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