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| Posted by oniyae on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Worst Gifts for Celebrities
14> Winona Ryder -- a great big overcoat, with lots of really deep pockets
13> Ozzy Osbourne -- "Henry Higgins' Guide to Impeccable Elocution"
12> Al Gore -- "Sorry!" board game
11> Jessica Simpson -- "The Big Book of Brain Teasers"
10> Rush Limbaugh -- Little Pharmacist playset
9> Saddam Hussein -- "Spider-Man" DVD
8> Kobe Bryant -- a fabulous 5-day, 4-night stay at the luxurious Cordillera Lodge & Spa in beautiful Eagle County, Colorado!
7> Howard Dean -- Saddam Hussein's arrest
6> Eminem -- a "Queer Eye" makeover
5> Alec Baldwin -- autographed picture of President Bush
4> James Brolin -- autographed picture of Ronald Reagan, addressed to "Mr. Streisand"
3> Keith Richards -- "Commander of the British Hempire" bong
2> J.Lo -- lifetime subscription to Modern Bride
1> Peter Jackson -- three Danielle Steel novels and a $400-million budget
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Jonathan LoGalbo on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Pickup Lines of the Undead15> "Your face or mine?"
14> "I play guitar. Care to meet my friends, Charlie and Mick?"
13> "You know, they named that drink after me."
12> "Is it hot in here, or is that just the embalming fluids running through my veins?"
11> "I can 'rise from the dead,' if you know what I mean."
10> "One look at you, and my knees turn to jelly. Or actually, sort of a yellowish, maggoty substance."
9> "You must be tired, 'cause you've been running through my mind all night -- care to peel back my scalp and see?"
8> "Excuse me, but did you just drop this finger?"
7> "What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich, is he rich like me?"
6> "I've had my eye on you all night. Right there, stuck to your shoulder. Can I please have it back now?"
5> "Baby, if I were in charge of the alphabet, I'd put... BRAINS! MUST EAT BRAINS!"
4> "My rotten, maggot-infested skin would look great -- in a pile on your bedroom floor."
3> "You can't spell 'gruesome' without 'u' and 'me.'"
2> "Viagra, schmiagra -- I got rigor mortis, baby!"
1> "Sweetheart, you light up my death!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day |
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| Posted by Mr HaHa Man on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day25> "No cover sheet on your expense report? Prepare yerself to be walking the plank, matey."
24> "Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break room for plunderin'."
23> "Sixteen men an' a copier mess -- yo, ho, ho and a bottle of toner."
22> "Avast, men! Get a telescope full of the doubloons on *that* vessel."
21> "I'll be keelhaulin' the next one of ye what leaves ye filthy Tupperware in the break room sink!"
20> "Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we'll one day partake of noontime grub together."
19> "No, Bob, I will not 'shiver your timbers.' I will, however, call my attorney."
18> "To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be ours, to each in a fortieth share!"
17> "Me cell phone fell deep into Davy Jones' locker! Nobody flush... I'll go get me hook."
16> "Save that last donut for me, unless ya care to feel the cold steel of my hook hand up yer arse, matey."
15> "Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes upon me?"
14> "Fax ahoy, mateys!"
13> "Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule's port bow! Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed!"
12> "No increase in me pay? Arrr, boss, let me tell ye where ye can store that hook!"
11> "Hold that elevator, ye whoreson bilge rat!"
10> "Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin' a reboot first? Arrr! It's the plank for you, ye mangy cur... and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!"
9> "Arrr, load the Canon, wench, and collate me copies!"
8> "Avast, ya scurvy knave! Brave be ye, for certain, but arrr ye willin' ta die fer that parking spot?"
7> "Twenty paces past the Magic Fountain of Water... bear ye left past the Chamber of Meetings... and a minute's voyage down the Great Carpeted Hallway... the unisex bathroom'll be on yer port side."
6> "Aye, if it's a large treasure chest and amazin' booty ye seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist."
5> "Boss, I'll be borrowin' a coupla doubloons from petty cash fer some Ho Ho's and a bottle of rum."
4> "Aaaarrrrrghhh! Who among us floated the air mead?"
3> "Arrr! I've arrr!anged for Arrr!lene in arrr!chives to send up that arrr!ticle on arrr!bitration."
2> "Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!"
1> "Arrr, I have made note of yer demands and I have but one question for ye: Will ye be wantin' slivers o' potato fried in the popular French style with that?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): 15 Things a man can do at Wal-Mart while his wife is taking her sweet old time |
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| Posted by jacob l. sams on 14-Aug-2005 | 15 Things a man can do at Wal-Mart while his wife is taking her sweet old time1. Get 24 boxes of condoms &randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares . . . and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible."
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here!"
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Rejected Names for Gated Communities |
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| Posted by Wonder-Woman N. Super Man on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Rejected Names for Gated Communities16> Thunderbird Estates
15> Dot Commons
14> Belly Acres
13> Downwind Chalupa Manor
12> Rich Olde Whitehaven
11> Tim Meadows
10> Snobschwitz
9> Tartar Crest
8> The Runs
7> Foxworthy Mobile Estates
6> Hoffa's End
5> Old Indian Burial Ground Acres
4> Burning Stream
3> Run Forest Run
2> Boxer Trails
1> Morningwood
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 20 Martha Stewart Household Tips for Dumb People |
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| Posted by John A. Bennett on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Martha Stewart Household Tips for Dumb People20> Quick-dry plaster + friggin' cats that keep crapping on the rug = instant bookends!
19> Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you're really running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you!
18> Sex isn't nearly as disgusting when you use a hand-knitted penis cozy.
17> To know when to change to the next square of toilet paper, label them with consecutive days of the week.
16> A simple turkey baster can also be used to remove those pesky beans lodged in your ear canal.
15> Don't discard used toothpicks -- simply glue on some belly button lint and you'll never pay for Q-tips again.
14> A wreath of dirty underwear is great for repelling mosquitoes!
13> Freeze some urine in a Mrs. Butterworth's bottle, then break the glass for an ice sculpture that'll have your guests talking!
12> Nail bars of soap to the bottom of your shoes and hose down the kitchen floor and you've just created your own indoor Olympic skatin' rink!
11> In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice.
10> BayWatch videos can help get those flabby forearms in shape.
9> Always buy two pairs of the same socks; that way, if you lose a sock, you have two replacements.
8> An activity as simple as counting will help to ensure that your "Top 5" list did not actually exceed five items.
7> Duct taping the baby to a ceiling fan after meals makes for a lively game of "Dodge the Chunks!"
6> Fill up those holes in the bathroom tile grout with Mother Nature's own sealant: snot!
5> Adding sprigs of baby's breath behind the ears of a loved one's corpse is sure to lift everyone's spirits during the funeral.
4> A dead dog makes an excellent door stop -- for a while.
3> While the common method of flushing a dead fish down the toilet can be sad for the kids, putting the aquarium snail down the garbage disposal makes an interesting sound that can be enjoyed by all.
2> In the fall, you can sew leaves back onto your trees to delay the onset of winter.
1> With a Hefty 40-gallon trash can liner and cable tie-wrap, you'll have grandma's daily colostomy bags changes down to once a month.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
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