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| Posted by roderick brown on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Worst Things About Autumn
14> Cold mornings followed by hot afternoons leave your nipples exhausted.
13> Too cold to have the AC running all the time and still too warm to keep those bodies in the crawl space from going ripe.
12> Death. Death surrounds us, infuses the air with its foul presence, sucks life from once-breathing limbs, colors the sky a putrefying grey. Also, ski accessories get marked WAY up.
11> Confused young men have no idea where to turn their fancy.
10> Dennis Rodman's hair turns from yellow to red.
9> Martha Stewart's recipes always seem to feature phallic-shaped squash, sliced.
8> Annoying shrieks of the leaves as they hurtle toward the ground -- or am *I* the only one who hears these?
7> Terry Bradshaw starts talking, and doesn't stop until late January.
6> Chicago Cubs already mathematically eliminated from *next* year's baseball playoffs.
5> Getting a bit chilly for the old raincoat trick.
4> Classic rock radio's moronic "Zeptember" gives way to even more idiotic "Rocktober."
3> Like the autumn leaves, that pair of underwear you've been wearing every day this summer begins to change to golden browns and yellows.
2> End of the summer state fair season means members of The Marshall Tucker Band once again begin roaming the neighborhood looking for grub.
1> Exploding fragmentation pumpkins (Montana only).
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Jamie G. Snell on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Hip Hop Holiday Songs20> Deck the Hoz
19> Gift-Wrapper's Delight
18> Grandma Got Run Over by an Escalade
17> Slay Ride
16> Frosty Da Blow Man
15> Here We Come A-Wizzassaillzzin'
14> We Three Pimps
13> Police Navidad
12> I Saw Daddy Capping Santa's Ass
11> Blingle Bells
10> I'dlay Maria
9> All I Want for Christmas is My Two Gold Teeth
8> Angels We Have Heard While High
7> Jingle Bell Glock
6> We Wish You a Ludacrismas
5> O Lil' Kim of Bethlehem
4> Hood King Wenceslas
3> Violent Night
2> Baby Got Socks
1> Whose Kid Is This, Bitch?!?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Enobmort Edils on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Rejected Christmas Toy Ideas
15> Box O' Nails! (Now with glass!)
14> Sit 'n Spin Rotisserie
13> The Junior Daredevil loosely assembled bicycle
12> Marge Schott's Real American Super See 'n' Say
11> Lincoln's Logs (Learn about the digestive system *and* our 16th President!)
10> The Drunken Daddy Playset (with a six-pack of "beer" and a stained undershirt)
9> Larry King action figure
8> The Kurt Cobain Dead Rock Star Game (Land on the wrong space and Kurt's brains are everywhere!)
7> Radio Shack High Voltage Experiment Center
6> Uno Bomber Action Card Game
5> Drill Sgt. Larry, with lifelike PantsDrop(tm) action
4> The Waiting For Godot Action Playset
3> My First Breathalyzer
2> Fondle Me Jacko
1> "Poke-Your-Eye-Out Stick" by Wham-O
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996, 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Marco Fonseca on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Rejected TV Holiday Specials
20> The Osbourne Family *)&(#$%^& Christmas Blast!phemy
19> The Democratic Debate That Sucked Out All the Holiday Cheer
18> Runny the Snot Man
17> Grandma Got Run Over by a Steamroller: A "Jackass" Christmas
16> Michael Jackson's "Staying in Bed for the Holidays" With the Vienna Boys' Choir
15> The Little Dreidel Boy
14> Martha Stewart's Holiday Party You Couldn't Possibly Afford to Host
13> Last-Minute Bargain Shopping and Stocking Stuffing With Winona Ryder
12> Snoop Dogg's Very Mevizzle Christizzle
11> The Endorsement That Ruined Hanukkah for One Particular Presidential Candidate
10> It's Dubya With a Fake Turkey, Charlie Brown!
9> One Last Holiday With the Troops: A Bob Hope Cryptmas in Iraq
8> Al Franken narrates "Santa Claus Is a Big Fat Lying Idiot"
7> Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: A "Queer Eye" Christmas
6> A Rockin' Sockin' Bobby Brown Kwanzaa
5> A Cruisin' and Boozin' Christmas With Glen Campbell, Wynonna Judd and Nick Nolte
4> Go Kill It On the Mountain: A Ted Nugent Reindeer-Huntin' Holiday!
3> Dancer and Prancer's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" USO Spectacular
2> SpongeJesus SwaddlingPants
1> Santa, Live From Inside the Paris Hilton!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part I) |
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| Posted by snoop dogg on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part I)
15> Five minutes into the Christmas Eve flight, it becomes apparent someone Ex-Laxed the reindeer's feed.
14> More and more break room discussions about joining the military -- especially after Legolas' e-mail detailing the primo tail that the boys in archery are scoring.
13> Too many elves are spending their lunch hour huddled around the bong-assembly line.
12> The wheels on the latest batch of toy trucks look suspiciously like last year's leftover Barbie heads.
11> Children start receiving gifts like "Chainsaw Massacre Legos," "Transgendered Raggedy Ann/dy" and "Melted Mass of Crayons."
10> Them ain't Lincoln Logs on the conveyor belt.
9> After just one hour, a shaken Tony Robbins emerges from his North Pole "Unleash the Power Within" seminar, quietly gives Santa a refund, then wishes him luck and leaves.
8> They're *all* scheduled to appear on Dr. Phil December 26th.
7> Toy rifle production had to be out-sourced to a South Korean ClausCo subsidiary after a rash of devastating workplace corking rampages.
6> Frequent nooners in the reindeer stalls.
5> No longer enthusiastically participating in Hawaiian Shirt Fridays.
4> Let's just say that Santa's gonna be looking for a new ride when he finds out the truth about the venison stew for this year's holiday party.
3> The toy trains? Nothing but salami and duct tape.
2> This year's hot new toy: the Amazing, Incredible Rough-Hewn Block of Wood!
1> "Hello? FBI? I have information about that grandma who got run over."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 20 Things Overheard During Jessica Simpson's Thanksgiving Holiday |
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| Posted by Iain A. Hewitt on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Things Overheard During Jessica Simpson's Thanksgiving Holiday
20> "Why do we celebrate Turkey day, anyway? Isn't that a country in France or something?"
19> "So how did the pilgrims know to pick a day when everyone would be home from work?"
18> "Nick, you're so smart! You saved money by getting a FREE range turkey!"
17> "Put down the carving knife! Jessica has her head stuck in the turkey again!"
16> "... all breasts and thighs, and where the head should be there's nothing but stuffing! But hey, enough about Jessica -- where's the turkey?"
15> "We're having a huge ball of butter for dinner? How totally gross!"
14> "How can could the Indians eat so much food and stay skinny like that Gandhi guy?"
13> "We shouldn't eat turkeys! They should remain free to roam the plains of Africa with the kangaroos, the dinosaurs and the noble capybara!"
12> "In honor of our Native American friends, burritos for everyone!"
11> "Mom, Nick wants me to cook. Does the Yellow Pages have a section for 'people who cook Thanksgiving dinner for celebrities'?"
10> "Nick, I give up. I've hunted all morning and haven't found a single egg."
9> "I saw Spider-Man in the Macy's parade. You wouldn't believe how much weight Tobey Maguire has gained since the movie! He's huge!!"
8> "I didn't know turkey guts were made out of bread!"
7> "White meat or dark meat? Hey... it's *all* turkey meat! You can't trick me again!"
6> "Damn. I was really hoping Thanksgiving was on Friday this year."
5> "Stuff the turkey? I didn't have to -- it wasn't empty. Duh!"
4> "I'm not sure if I did the turkey right. The recipe said to rub olive oil all over the breast, but all that did was make my bra sticky."
3> "It's a melted Snickers bar. I made *candied* yams this year."
2> "Hey, look! If you open *both* ends of the cranberry sauce can, two people can eat it at the same time!"
1> "You want me to do WHAT with the gerblets?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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