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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Differences on a Naked Airline Flight |
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| Posted by Shawna Denault on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Differences on a Naked Airline Flight15> You don't instinctively panic when someone yells, "We're going down!"
14> The liquor bottles aren't the only obviously undersized objects on the flight.
13> Look at those beautiful leather seats! Never mind -- that's just the AARP group returning from Cancun.
12> Three straight hours of the guy next to you asking for help adjusting his seat belt.
11> "Sorry about that turbulence, ladies and gentlemen -- my co-pilot grabbed the wrong stick."
10> "Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned off the 'No Groping' sign...."
9> "We'll now begin pre-boarding for passengers with cups C through D."
8> You lowered your window shade, but you can still see a full moon. Six of 'em, in fact.
7> Earning Mile High Club membership requires much less strategizing than with other airlines.
6> At meal time, nobody orders the pulled chicken.
5> "... and those of you on the left side of the cabin, if you now look to the right, you can see the towering timber of flight attendant Brian."
4> The guy next to you won't shut up about how tough it is to be the only African-American on the Supreme Court.
3> It's much easier to tell when somebody's coming down the aisle with nuts.
2> "And now in the left aisle, serving cocktails, come on guys, put your hands together for Taammyyyy*!"
1> Forget flotation devices -- after what those seat cushions have been through, you'd rather drown.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 17 Prison Movies Starring Martha Stewart |
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| Posted by Christopher J. Lennon on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 17 Prison Movies Starring Martha Stewart17> You've Got Jail!
16> Gone With the Window Treatment
15> Desperately Seeking Souffle
14> Hang 'Em High, Using Only Dried Flowers, a Plastic Milk Jug and a Glue Gun
13> My Big Fat Butch Cellmate
12> Out of Attica
11> The Seafoam and Ecru Faux-Finished Mile
10> The Longest Yard (of Imported Silk Gingham Fabric That Would Make a Delightful Throw Pillow)
9> The Seven-to-Ten Years Bitch
8> Shivving Miss Doily
7> Martha's StrangeLunch, or How She Learned to Quit Worrying and Eat Both Her Soup and Her Dessert With the Same Spoon
6> Quiche of the Insider Woman
5> The Shawshank Redecoration
4> Midnight Espresso
3> How Martha Got Her Shiv Back
2> Cool Ham Soup
1> Date Breads in a Duffel Bag
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs Your Personal Hygiene Efforts Are Insufficient |
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| Posted by Cam Jones on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Your Personal Hygiene Efforts Are Insufficient15> Your head lice have constructed condos and are beginning to sell time-shares.
14> Your dog cautiously rolls his flea collar across the room to you.
13> Not only do women say they'd rather be dead than sleep with you, two actually set themselves on fire to make their point.
12> The EPA declares your pants a toxic Superfund site.
11> Neighborhood children take great joy in writing "Please wash me!" in the filth on the back of your neck.
10> Each time you shower, the terror threat level goes down one color.
9> You've been permanently banned from the local fish market.
8> When you try to head the soccer ball, it just sticks there.
7> The good news: A co-worker politely tells you there's something in your beard.
The bad news: It's a bird's nest.
6> Pamela Anderson just dumped you for the garbage man.
5> That pesky Odor-Eaters marketing department guy keeps calling, claiming you can be "the Michael Jordan of smelly feet."
4> You're awakened from a sound sleep by your cat's valiant efforts to bury you.
3> Your soap doesn't just lather, it boils.
2> You easily thwart vampires with the garlic smell emanating from your underwear.
1> Congress is currently deadlocked on allowing oil drilling in the region they've dubbed "Jim's Ass Pimple #3."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Melanie Mudd on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Cities Named by Potheads16> Cannabismark, ND
15> Tallahashish, FL
14> Roachanoke, VA
13> Browniesville, TX
12> Toke-Yo, Japan
11> Stashville, TN
10> Sacremellow, CA
9> San Anstonio, TX
8> DudeYouJustTotallyJustThrewUpInMyHairrisburg, PA
7> Bong Kong, China
6> Galvistoned, TX
5> Whoamaha, NE
4> Wreckedjavik, Iceland
3> Munchie, IN
2> Hemphis, TN
1> Dorito, Ohigho
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs Your TV Weather Person Is Losing It |
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| Posted by YeLLoW SLiM ShAdY on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Your TV Weather Person Is Losing It16> "And if we look at the satellite picture we see this large cloud formation that looks like the Wicked Witch of the West. And look! This one looks like an elephant..."
15> Attempts to use the Doppler radar to catch speeding cars along the freeway.
14> The pointer she's using to draw attention to that high pressure cell over Kansas shouldn't vibrate, should it?
13> Ends every sentence with "...if the Dark Lord deems it acceptable."
12> Bogarts all the chili beans from the studio commissary's salad bar in preparation for his on-air demonstration of wind shear.
11> Shows up in an undershirt and replaces the "wind chill factor" with the "headlight factor."
10> Screams, "Yeah, but it's a DRY heat" when his leg gets humped during the pet adoption segment.
9> Wants everyone to think his *real* name is "Storm."
8> Her new "Doppler Radar Storm Tracker 2000" looks like an old microwave oven with some Hello Kitty stickers stuck on the door.
7> Sacrifices the sports guy to the Rain God -- but does it off-camera, dammit!
6> Still uses 10-10-321 even after you told him about 10-10-220.
5> Does the forecast without pants and apologizes for not being able to point to the temperatures north of the equator.
4> Actually thinks he can become a multi-millionaire late night TV talk show host.
3> "...Turning to the five-day forecast on our Doppler radar, we see the Monistat is really clearing up my yeast infection!"
2> Has begun mumbling, "If there's even gonna BE a tomorrow," after each forecast.
1> Weekend forecast calls for scattered showers and "a chance of love."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part I) |
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| Posted by Bess on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part I)16> "Those spike-heeled boots and that silk teddy accentuate your already stunning figure, Master Drill Sergeant, sir!!"
15> "An Amway-selling Scientologist? How fascinating! Come right on in."
14> "Falco! Dude, you gotta check out this Mozart record of my dad's! This guy rocks!"
13> "It's an excellent script, Mr. Lucas. Audiences will love it. Especially the floppy-eared thing with the pseudo-rasta accent."
12> "Dude, I dreamed I was at work naked, and you were there singing show tunes."
11> "Another goth vampire wannabe? Bite me!"
10> "Wouldn't like you when you're angry, Banner? I don't like you *now*, you little science dweeb! TITTIE TWISTER!"
9> "Your leg feels like the soft underbelly of a pike."
8> "What luck! I was afraid this audit was going to be for my *other* Social Security number!"
7> "Fifty bucks says I can stick my p*nis through that electric fence without touching the sides."
6> "Hey, for a laugh, let's trick those godless Americans into *thinking* we've got weapons of mass destruction when all we've really got are mountains of sand!"
5> "Are you kidding? I'd LOVE a prairie dog for my birthday!"
4> "Hey! Easy with the ruler, Mother Superior. That's my whackin' hand."
3> "I'm not paying to have it dry-cleaned -- it's from the Gap, for God's sake! Just put a little club soda on it and it'll come right out, Monica."
2> "Officer, would you like to hear my theory of the nightstick and how it compensates for undersized male genitalia?"
1> "Oh, right, like John Ashcroft has nothing better to do than listen in on a couple of potheads."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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