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	():little johnny (1883): The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I)

Posted by Briman B. Briman on 13-Aug-2005

The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I)

15> Use as a marital aid nullifies warranty.

14> Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

13> Uranium-236 not included.

12> As with real appliances, this thing *will* burn your careless ass.

11> Some dismemberment may occur.

10> Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.

9> Harmful if swallowed with massive quantities of vodka.

8> No disrespect intended.

7> Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

6> Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

5> NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.

4> Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

3> Manufacturer not responsible for accidents involving EZ-Bake Oven and Suicide-Watch Barbie.

2> Caution: "Mack Daddy Ken" is anatomically exaggerated and may excite or frighten little girls and create self esteem problems in little boys.

1> Do not place Captain Viagra within "5"-"7" of an open flame.

[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright by Chris White ]

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	():little johnny (1883): The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part II)

Posted by Monica L. Nelson on 13-Aug-2005

The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part II)

15> No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

14> For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.

13> Not to be confused with "Poke You Man" by Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.

12> Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

11> Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

10> Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.

9> Syringe and vaccine sold separately.

8> Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!

7> In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

6> Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

5> For eternal use only.

4> For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.

3> Talk to your doctor before using Xenical Barbie. Xenical Barbie not intended for children less than 20% above their ideal weight. Discontinue use if oily leakage occurs.

2> Replacement blades and toes not included.

1> Warning: Although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.

[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

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	():little johnny (1883): Filling Her Tank

Posted by Magnus on 13-Aug-2005

Filling Her Tank

Little Johnny catches his parents shagging one afternoon He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"

His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

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	():little johnny (1883): Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

Posted by Scott Mcrae on 13-Aug-2005

Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

Note: This Application must be filled out completely or it will be rejected; it must be accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, genealogy history; a complete criminal and medical background check must be submitted as required: We reserves the right to have drug screening; psychological profile; or polygraph test performed as we see fit.

MUST BE FILLED OUT COMPLETELY!

NAME___________________________
DATE OF BIRTH____________/___/_________
HEIGHT______ WEIGHT________ I.Q._____ GPA._________
SOCIAL SECURITY #____-______-_____
DRIVERS LICENSE #______-_____-_____
BOY SCOUT RANK __________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________________
CITY / STATE_______________ ZIP__________

HOME PHONE___-_____-_______
WORK PHONE____-_____-_____

PARENT'S ADDRESS IF NOT LIVING AT HOME ________________________
CITY / STATE __________ ZIP____________
THEIR HOME PHONE#____-______-_____
THEIR WORK PHONE#_____-____-_____(FATHER) _____-____-_____(MOTHER)

CHURCH THAT YOU ATTEND NAME____________________________ ADDRESS________________________________________________
CITY / STATE___________________________ ZIP____________

DISQUAIFALICATIONS:
DO YOU OWN:
A VAN ?_______
A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES ?______
A FAST CAR ?________
A WATERBED ?_____

DO YOU HAVE EARRING; NOSE RING;BELLY BUTTON RING ?______
TATTOO ?_____
BOOM BOX ?______
(IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS; DISCONTINUE THIS APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES NOW.)

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO YOU?

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU ?

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS ,WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO YOU ?

WHAT WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVEIW YOUR FATHER,MOTHER,AND MINISTER ?

(ANSWER FILLING IN THE BLANKS, PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS FREELY . ALL ANSWERS WILL BE CONFIDENENTIAL.)

IF I WERE SHOT , THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT TO BE WOUNDED IS THE _______________.

IF I WERE BEATEN,THE LAST BONE IN MY BODY I WOULD WANT BROKEN IS_____________.

THE ONE THING I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOES NO ASK ME ABOUT IS_______________.

IN THE UNFORTUNATE EVENT OF MY UNTIMELY DEATH ,I WOULD LIKE________________ TO BE CONTACTED.

MY GREATESTED FEAR IS_______________________?

WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL THE ONE THING I NOTICE ABOUT HER IS________________? (NOTE : IF THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION STARTS WITH A B, DISCONTINUE AND LEAVE PREMISES-KEEPING HEAD LOW AND RUN AWAY IN A SERPENTINE FASHION.)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?_______________.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN FINGERPRINTED ?_____________________.

HAD A DNA SAMPLE TAKEN AND RECORDED ?__________________.

YOUR DENTIST'S NAME IS_________________________________

EMERGANCY # IS___________________.

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

__________________________________________ Signature (that means sign your name)

NOTE: AFTER SUBMITTING YOUR APPLICATION, PLEASE ALLOW 4-6 YEARS FOR PROCESSING.

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	():little johnny (1883): Little Johnny Builds a House

Posted by TJ Holder on 13-Aug-2005

Little Johnny Builds a House

He was bugging Mother so she said, "Johnny, why don't you go across the
street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something."

Little Johnny was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked
him what he learned. Johnny replied, "Well, first you put the God damn
door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the
shithead back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and
put the Mother fucker back up."

Johnny's Mother said, "you wait til your Dad comes home."

When Little Johnny's dad got home, mom told him to ask Johnny what he
learned across the street. Johnny told his dad the whole story.

Dad said, "Johnny, you go outside and get the switch."

Little Johnny replied, "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job."

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	():little johnny (1883): Really Important Stuff my Children have Taught Me

Posted by Craig on 13-Aug-2005

Really Important Stuff my Children have Taught Me

It's more fun to color outside the lines.
If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
Ask why until you understand.
Hang on tight.
Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
Make up the rules as you go along.
It doesn't matter who started it.
Ask for sprinkles.
If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
Save a place in line for your friends.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
Making your bed is a waste of time.
There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down
You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game