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():little johnny (1883): The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part II) |
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| Posted by Monica L. Nelson on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part II)15> No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
14> For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.
13> Not to be confused with "Poke You Man" by Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.
12> Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
11> Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
10> Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.
9> Syringe and vaccine sold separately.
8> Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
7> In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
6> Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
5> For eternal use only.
4> For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.
3> Talk to your doctor before using Xenical Barbie. Xenical Barbie not intended for children less than 20% above their ideal weight. Discontinue use if oily leakage occurs.
2> Replacement blades and toes not included.
1> Warning: Although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.
[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Magnus on 13-Aug-2005 | Filling Her TankLittle Johnny catches his parents shagging one afternoon He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
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():little johnny (1883): Application For Permission To Date My Daughter |
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| Posted by Scott Mcrae on 13-Aug-2005 | Application For Permission To Date My DaughterNote: This Application must be filled out completely or it will be rejected; it must be accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, genealogy history; a complete criminal and medical background check must be submitted as required: We reserves the right to have drug screening; psychological profile; or polygraph test performed as we see fit.
MUST BE FILLED OUT COMPLETELY!
NAME___________________________
DATE OF BIRTH____________/___/_________
HEIGHT______ WEIGHT________ I.Q._____ GPA._________
SOCIAL SECURITY #____-______-_____
DRIVERS LICENSE #______-_____-_____
BOY SCOUT RANK __________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________________
CITY / STATE_______________ ZIP__________
HOME PHONE___-_____-_______
WORK PHONE____-_____-_____
PARENT'S ADDRESS IF NOT LIVING AT HOME ________________________
CITY / STATE __________ ZIP____________
THEIR HOME PHONE#____-______-_____
THEIR WORK PHONE#_____-____-_____(FATHER) _____-____-_____(MOTHER)
CHURCH THAT YOU ATTEND NAME____________________________ ADDRESS________________________________________________
CITY / STATE___________________________ ZIP____________
DISQUAIFALICATIONS:
DO YOU OWN:
A VAN ?_______
A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES ?______
A FAST CAR ?________
A WATERBED ?_____
DO YOU HAVE EARRING; NOSE RING;BELLY BUTTON RING ?______
TATTOO ?_____
BOOM BOX ?______
(IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS; DISCONTINUE THIS APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES NOW.)
IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO YOU?
IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU ?
IN 50 WORDS OR LESS ,WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO YOU ?
WHAT WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVEIW YOUR FATHER,MOTHER,AND MINISTER ?
(ANSWER FILLING IN THE BLANKS, PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS FREELY . ALL ANSWERS WILL BE CONFIDENENTIAL.)
IF I WERE SHOT , THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT TO BE WOUNDED IS THE _______________.
IF I WERE BEATEN,THE LAST BONE IN MY BODY I WOULD WANT BROKEN IS_____________.
THE ONE THING I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOES NO ASK ME ABOUT IS_______________.
IN THE UNFORTUNATE EVENT OF MY UNTIMELY DEATH ,I WOULD LIKE________________ TO BE CONTACTED.
MY GREATESTED FEAR IS_______________________?
WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL THE ONE THING I NOTICE ABOUT HER IS________________? (NOTE : IF THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION STARTS WITH A B, DISCONTINUE AND LEAVE PREMISES-KEEPING HEAD LOW AND RUN AWAY IN A SERPENTINE FASHION.)
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?_______________.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN FINGERPRINTED ?_____________________.
HAD A DNA SAMPLE TAKEN AND RECORDED ?__________________.
YOUR DENTIST'S NAME IS_________________________________
EMERGANCY # IS___________________.
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
__________________________________________ Signature (that means sign your name)
NOTE: AFTER SUBMITTING YOUR APPLICATION, PLEASE ALLOW 4-6 YEARS FOR PROCESSING.
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| Posted by TJ Holder on 13-Aug-2005 | Little Johnny Builds a HouseHe was bugging Mother so she said, "Johnny, why don't you go across the
street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something."
Little Johnny was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked
him what he learned. Johnny replied, "Well, first you put the God damn
door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the
shithead back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and
put the Mother fucker back up."
Johnny's Mother said, "you wait til your Dad comes home."
When Little Johnny's dad got home, mom told him to ask Johnny what he
learned across the street. Johnny told his dad the whole story.
Dad said, "Johnny, you go outside and get the switch."
Little Johnny replied, "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job."
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():little johnny (1883): Really Important Stuff my Children have Taught Me |
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| Posted by Craig on 13-Aug-2005 | Really Important Stuff my Children have Taught Me - It's more fun to color outside the lines.
- If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
- Ask why until you understand.
- Hang on tight.
- Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
- Make up the rules as you go along.
- It doesn't matter who started it.
- Ask for sprinkles.
- If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
- Save a place in line for your friends.
- Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
- If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
- Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
- Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
- Making your bed is a waste of time.
- There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
- Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
- You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down
- You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game
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| Posted by Amber M. Kistler on 13-Aug-2005 | Ways Barney Should Die1. Nitroglycerin suppository
2. Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit
3. Paper cuts from hate mail
4. Wine press
5. Random act of terrorism
6. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
7. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
8. Exploding gas barbeque
9. Date with Lorena Bobbit / Tonya Harding
10. Rusty meat hook
11. Pulp digester / Saw mill
12. Sexually transmitted disease
13. Lethal injection of bean sprouts and tofu
14. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
15. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".
16. Exploding school bus
17. Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love to all of the carnivores.
18. Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide
19. Sacrifice to a tribal god
20. Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)
21. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet
22. Asphyxiation on a Twinkie
23. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck
24. 1000 RPM merry-go-round
25. Building sandcastles in a quicksand box
26. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road
27. Tail caught in elevator doors
28. Legalization of purple slavery
29. Home lobotomy kit
30. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid
31. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
32. Thrown in a vat of bleach.
33. Close encounter with a white supremist.
34. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine
35. Submerged into a CANDU reactor
36. Swarmed by killer bees
37. Purple parasites
38. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel
39. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)
40. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
41. Assilimation by the Borg.
42. Accupunture with a nail gun
43. Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.
43. Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw
44. Hit and run at a school crossing
45. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.
46. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!
47. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.
48. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens
49. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
50. Harpooned by a whaling ship
51. Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and "accidentally" pummeled with a baseball bat
52. Served as Thanksgiving dinner
53. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)
54. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.
55. Mistaken for a Pi=F1ata
56. Run over by a zamboni
57. "I love you" song triggers avalanche.
58. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.
59. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.
60. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.
61. Crushed between plates in a fault line.
62. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties
63. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney?
64. Used as a crash test dummy.
65. Barney becomes one with Oscar Myer.
66. Barney used as shark bait.
67. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
68. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.
69. Diplomatic mission with Klingons
70. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.
71. Nato air strike.
72. Live organ donor.
73. Egyptian mummification ritual.
74. Plummet into an active volcano.
75. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.
76. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.
77. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.
78. Pilgrimage to the Holy land.
79. Purple Jonestown reagent.
80. Visit to the taxidermist.
81. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
82. Take him off Prozac.
83. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.
84. 100 hours of continuous "Black Sabbath".
85. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
86. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
87. Spontaneous combustion.
88. Bludgeoned to purple paste.
89. Compressed to a singularity.
90. Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post.
91. Send him to a Bill's game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.
92. The plague
93. Extruded through microcapilliaries.
94. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.
95. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.
97. Pre-mortum autopsy reveals that Barney's head is full of worms.
98. Massage with a stun gun.
99. Heat pasteurization.
100. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
101. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.
102. Barney meets Elmira (I'm gonna hug him and squeeze him to itty bitty pieces.)
103. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.
104. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.
105. Make him the drummer of Spinal Tap.
106. Use him as a zap-o-matic target.
107. Paint him green & give him to Gallager for his Sledge-o-matic.
108. Paint him green & give him to David Letterman for a 10 story drop.
109. Confine him with Marvin the Paranoid Android (Douglas Adams).
110. Put a horse collar on him and abandon him on alt.sex.beastiality.
111. Stick him in a car with Ted Kennedy near a bridge.
112. Paint "Branch Dividian & Proud of it" and drop him off at the BATF hq.
113. Put him on a blind date with Lorena Bobbit AFTER she gets her new set of Ginsu(tm) knives.
114. Barney scrapple.
115. Bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa.
116. Tell Tipper Gore he sings on how to masturbate.
117. Recreate the Challenger accident with Barney playing substitute teacher.
118. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.
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