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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Halloween Costumes That Net the Least Candy |
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| Posted by William Jones on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Halloween Costumes That Net the Least Candy
15> Lil' Pill-Poppin' Rush
14> The Incredible Sulk
13> Terrence, the Contagious Toll Collector
12> Saddam Hussein in a Flowery Island Shirt Holding a Pina Colada
11> Fat Lost by Carnie Wilson
10> The Politician Formerly Known as Governor Davis
9> Cellulite-Riddled Nudist
8> Mike Wallace and Camera Crew
7> Rupturing-Pustules Baywatch Babe With Realistic Festering Action!
6> "Sexy" Altar Boy
5> Left-Wing Monster GloriAl FrankenSteinem
4> Martha Stewart Prison-Bitch Barbie
3> LevitraMan
2> I-Just-Knocked-Your-Daughter-Up Guy
1> SpongeBob SoiledPants
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| Posted by Kitty_girl on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Rejected Holiday Specials10. "Gallagher Smashes Melons in Bethlehem"
9. "A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson"
8. Fox TV's "When Reindeer Attack!"
7. "A Country Holiday with Martha Stewart and a Bunch of Actors Pretending to Be Her Family"
6. "The Grinch Who Nailed Mrs. Claus"
5. "Christmas at Riker's Island: It's A Wonderful 10-Years-to-Life"
4. "Bob Dole Remembers the Very First Christmas"
3. "Skunk =91n' Gator's Holiday Fiesta"
2. "The President Who Ate Christmas"
1. "Richard Simmons' Fruitcake Extravaganza"
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| Posted by Hott Momma! on 14-Aug-2005 | The Cost of ChristmasThe cost for all the presents in ''The Twelve Days of Christmas'' has taken an unprecedented swan dive this year. A 50 percent fall in the price tag for seven swans a swimming'' helped cut this year's bill for the items in the famous Christmas carol by $3,462.55 from 1996, PNC Bank calculated in an index released Monday.
The total cost for giving one's true love everything from 12 drummers drumming to a partridge in a pear tree this year is $12,481.65, down 21.7 percent from $15,964.20 in 1996 and the lowest level since 1986. This is the first time since researchers at PNC Bank began compiling the annual index in 1984 that the price of Christmas has fallen significantly, although it took a 0.6 percent dip in 1988. The decline reflects inflation trends in the economy at large, as well as progress in reviving the trumpeter swan population. The price for the swans dropped due to a fluctuation of supply and demand,'' PNC said.
The general flatness in the cost of most of the items in the song reflect the low inflation rate.'' The price for seven swimming trumpeter swans, as quoted by the Philadelphia Zoo, dropped from $7,000 last year to $3,500. The North American population of the swans has risen from 73 in 1935 to more than 14,000 now, driving down the price and bringing the government close to removing the birds from the endangered species list, PNC said.
In general, prices for consumer goods such as five gold rings were steady or lower. But services such as leaping lords were steady or higher. The price of five gold rings fell to $325 from $450 last year, while the price of a pear tree fell to $12.50 from $19.99, because the nursery PNC uses was having a sale.
The cost of eight minimum-wage milkmaids was unchanged at $34 for one hour's service, while unionized pipers piping and drummers drumming commanded the same fees as the year before, for the first time. Those fees were $1,109.16 for the 11 pipers and $1,201.59 for the 12 drummers. But the bill for 10 lords a leaping climbed 5.6 percent, to $3,182.57, the only increase on the list.
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| Posted by Christina on 14-Aug-2005 | New PolicyEffective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending. Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive.
Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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| Posted by Jeepster_J_Gill on 14-Aug-2005 | Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do ListDecember 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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| Posted by Monnie on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Reindeer Games15. Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter
14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
13. Spin the Salt Lick
12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
11. Moose or Dare
10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
8. The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
3. Elf Tossing
2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey
1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game
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