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| Posted by daring-dipshit on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Misguided Sequels (Part II)
15> The Birds II: Avian Influenza
14> Holes 2: Saddam Doesn't Live Here Anymore
13> Ernest Scared Stiff: Weekend at Vernie's
12> Dude, Where's YOUR Car?
11> Schindler's PowerPoint Presentation
10> Ordinarier People
9> Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Herpes
8> 50 First Dates 2: 50 Restraining Orders
7> Son of the Graduate: Take Out Your Teeth, Mrs. Robinson
6> Babe: Pig on the Spit
5> Fight Club 2: Stop Hitting Yourself. Why're You Hitting Yourself? Stop Hitting Yourself. Why're You Hitting Yourself?
4> Little Womyn
3> Iron W. Eagle: Mission Accomplished
2> Finding Nemo 2: Desperately Seeking Sushi
1> Cold Mountain Deux
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Wah Ibanez on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Misguided Sequels (Part I)
15> Star Wars Whatever: You Geeks Will See It Anyway
14> Pokemon 2: Electric Pikachu
13> Rocky VI: I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up by the Count of Ten
12> The Matrix: Redundant
11> Willy Wonka and the Slaughterhouse: Mad Oompa Loompa Disease
10> Spider-Man vs. Orkin Man
9> Malcolm XXX
8> Wrong Turn 2: Gladys, Just Give Me the Goddamn Map, Will You?
7> Armageddon 2: Shit, We Missed One
6> Master and Commander II: Aubrey's Turn in the Barrel
5> Studbiscuit
4> American Pie 4: Mincemeat
3> Freddy Got Fingered 2: Fingered Harder
2> Burp Betty
1> Lord of the Rings IV: She's Gotta Hobbit
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways to Celebrate the Year of the Monkey |
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| Posted by 13 inches on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways to Celebrate the Year of the Monkey
15> Paint butt and town red.
14> Offer a nice, big, banana-shaped object to someone you love.
13> Celebrate getting through my State of the Union address without being distracted by shiny things.
12> Finally learn sign language so you can tell that bitch Koko what you really think of her.
11> Get your stinking paws on a couple of damned, dirty beers!
10> Same as every Year of the Monkey: Watch the giant bunch of crystal bananas fall in Tiananmen Square as the God of Longevity, Dik Kwok, emcees.
9> Call Robin Williams and Ed Asner and offer to give them a good grooming.
8> Slurp a banana daiquiri off of Paris Hilton's highly evolved body.
7> The heck with Shakespeare -- get your friends and typewriters together and submit some hot-monkey-love letters to Penthouse.
6> Telephone Charlton Heston at midnight and coo, "Happy New Year, Bright Eyes!"
5> Get spankin'!
4> 1) Marry Britney Spears. 2) Pick fleas off each other while waiting for the annulment.
3> When at the Dairy Queen, order your banana splits with "more grubs, less poo."
2> Party 'til you puke. Lap it up. Repeat.
1> Tell your wife that this year it's got to be frequent, fast and from behind.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Things Celebrities Are Giving Up for Lent |
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| Posted by Kelsy Oneill on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Things Celebrities Are Giving Up for Lent
15> Siegfried and Roy -- pork chop codpieces
14> Courtney Love -- sobriety
13> Godzilla -- Atkins' lo-carb, high-people diet
12> Boston Red Sox fans -- all hope
11> Rush Limbaugh -- painkillers... ah, who am I kidding? Can you score me anything?
10> Calista Flockhart -- those decadent mini-rice cakes with celery
9> Michael Jackson -- the lost puppy trick
8> Ashton Kutcher -- having random truckers beaten up for their wardrobe
7> Janet Jackson -- shameless, transparent, manufactured attempts to revive her dying career through cross-platform promotion on vehicles owned by the parent company of her record label in order for them to recoup some of the losses suffered from signing her to an insane $80 million contract in 1996
6> Pete Best -- repeatedly slapping self on forehead
5> Pope John Paul II -- drag-racing the popemobile on Saturday nights down at the Colosseum
4> Howard Dean -- delusions of grandeur
3> Mel Gibson -- bagels and kosher dill pickles
2> Gollum -- heroin... er... um... I mean my preciousss!
1> Justin Timberlake -- using "biology malfunction" as an excuse for impotence
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Signs It's Been a VERY Cold Winter |
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| Posted by Edward Haskett on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Signs It's Been a VERY Cold Winter12> Richard Hatch starts wearing a Speedo.
11> You momentarily consider taking refuge in a theater showing a David Arquette movie.
10> You tried to write your name in the snow and it took the fire department and four ambulances to get you free.
9> You've lost half a dozen friends to trip-and-shatter accidents.
8> Look at that photo of Janet Jackson *very* closely.
7> Donald Trump's hair is re-zoned as a homeless shelter.
6> Strangely, you don't mind sleeping next to Hillary.
5> It's a downright relief to be in a nice, warm jail cell compared to that icy spider-hole.
4> That's no lawn ornament -- that's the paperboy!
3> Fire department rescues of people stuck to metal poles were up 40% in schoolyards and 75% in strip joints.
2> Your door has been blocked by snow for three weeks, and you live on the third floor. In Phoenix.
1> Your testicles just sent you a postcard from Miami.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 25 Things on Martha Stewart's To-Do List |
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| Posted by Lucy G. Van Pelt on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 25 Things on Martha Stewart's To-Do List25> Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.
24> Start marketing new "Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope."
23> Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.
22> Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.
21> Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.
20> Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.
19> Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.
18> Berate domestic staffers while I still can.
17> Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.
16> Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.
15> Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.
14> Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.
13> Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal's probably cold in the morning.
12> Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.
11> Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.
10> Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.
9> Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!
8> Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.
7> Start work on new book: "Minimum Security With Maximum Flair."
6> Ask Rosie how to say "I'm not interested" in Lesbianese.
5> Remember... Outside: "And that's a GOOD thing!" Inside: "Shit be da bomb, yo!"
4> Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.
3> Roll around in a huge friggin' pile of money one last time before going off to jail.
2> Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.
1> Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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