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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Other Grave Mistakes Martha Stewart Has Made |
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| Posted by Caleb J. Pering on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Other Grave Mistakes Martha Stewart Has Made15> Put out a plate of Girl Scout cookies at her 11th birthday party, then told everyone she'd spent all morning baking.
14> Failed to have her people whack Cybill Shepherd before she could star in that terrible NBC biopic.
13> Dressed a 7-Eleven hot dog with Grey Poupon and mango salsa.
12> Didn't use the melon baller on her weaselly little stockbroker when she had the chance.
11> Tarragon in bouillabaisse? ARE YOU *MAD*, WOMAN?!?
10> On one occasion, in a momentary lapse, allowed her cold stare to rise to above 32 degrees.
9> Dedicated an entire show to sphincter-tightening exercises.
8> The Danvers Opening was expected, but then attempting to transform it into a Gunderam Attack was just suicide!
7> Sent a congratulatory case of champagne to Sammy Sosa when he hit his 500th home run.
6> Once disciplined staff with a white garotte after Labor Day.
5> Forgot that it's red wine with illegal stock trading, white wine with accounting fraud.
4> Giant floral centerpiece on her dining room table is made entirely of old, unpaid parking citations.
3> Accidentally voted for Buchanan in '00.
2> Spent many wasted years pining away for Richard Chamberlain.
1> Wore a camouflage dress to her high school prom.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Murph J. Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs You Were Switched at Birth13. You don't look anything like Mary and Joseph.
12. No one else in the family is white, except for Uncle Jacko and his wife.
11. Unlike everyone else in your backwoods, redneck, trailer-park family, it is your ambition to become the President of the United States.
10. No one else in your nomadic tribe seems to share your love of collecting Beanie Babies.
9. The way your dad always says, "Aye, you've a bonney wee Afro, m'lad."
8. You think Kathie Lee's REAL children would have to turn out 200 blouses per hour?
7. Your dad: astronomy professor at M.I.T.
You: Almost starved to death when you got a cue ball stuck in your mouth.
6. Your family celebrates your graduation from high school by butcherin' a hog and tappin' the still.
5. Sober, monogamous, and a Kennedy? Hmmm...
4. Your dad, Mr. Hawking, shows little if any enthusiasm for your burgeoning career as a pro wrestler.
3. You bear an uncanny resemblance to the President of the United States, but hell, so do a lot of kids in Arkansas.
2. Your brothers, Alec, Billy, Daniel and Steven, also work in film, but you're the one who manages a Fotomat.
1. You: All-State linebacker Your father: President of Microsoft
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| Posted by Evan Hawbaker on 08-Aug-2005 | poorYour mama is so poor that when I walked in your backyard and stepped on a cochroach, she said, "Thanks for killing dinner."
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Additional Foreign Translations of English Movie Titles |
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| Posted by Samantha Taraboletti on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Additional Foreign Translations of English Movie Titles12. "The Waterboy" -- "Water Torture, American Style"
11. "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" -- "Fear Makes Young Women's Breasts Move Up and Down"
10. "Chasing Amy" -- "Boy Gets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Girl Gets Girl, Girl Loses Girl, Boy Gets Girl Back"
9. "Titanic" -- "Ship Outta Luck"
8. "Scream" -- "Stop Stabbing Me!" "Scream 2" -- "Stop Stabbing Me Again, Dammit!"
7. "Armageddon" -- "Giant Testosterone Ball Crashes to Earth"
6. "Something About Mary" -- "If She Likes the Hair Gel, Wait Till She Sees the Body Lotion!"
5. "Babe: Pig in the City" -- "The Happy Dumpling To Be Who Made Complete Friggin' Idiots Out of The NY Times and ABC News"
4. "Mask of Zorro" -- "My Long Hard Blade Can Help Many Women"
3. "You've Got Mail" -- "I've Put You Out of Business, Now Sleep With Me, Woman!"
2. "Die Hard" -- "Foolish American Overdoses on Viagra"
1. "Patch Adams" -- "Laugh At My Antics Before You Die, Sick Idiots!"
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com]
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| Posted by aaaaa a. aaaaaaaaa on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Least Popular Candy Heart Sayings13. STD FREE
12. UR A WEASEL
11. BE OURS
10. SOY BOMB
9. TONGUE ME
8. BE MY INTERN
7. LOVE?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, "LOVE"? I SPEND 12 HOURS A DAY CARVING THESE STUPID SAYINGS ON THESE STUPID HEARTS AND YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT LOVE?!?
6. HAIRY CHEST
5. I STALK U
4. ASS FLAVORED!
3. GOT CRABS?
2. R THOSE REAL?
1. VIAGRA 100MG
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Rejected Global Disaster Movie Premises |
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| Posted by I don't have a penis on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Rejected Global Disaster Movie Premises13. "Mitzi the Kitten Goes Postal"
12. "Armageddon '98" -- A giant chunk of Bill Gates's wallet breaks loose and threatens to destroy the earth!
11. "Starring Kevin Costner!"
10. A gigantic bolt of inter-stellar chintz hurtles toward to earth threatening to drape the entire planet in *last* year's color.
9. "Coffee Shortage!"
8. Mysterious geological forces speed up the Earth's rotation, flinging everybody off into space -- except a group of research scientists in Antarctica, who just get incredibly dizzy.
7. "Acnephobia" -- Where will the next one pop up?!
6. "Starbuck Wars" -- Luke Warmwater uses the Dark Roast to save the galaxy from over-priced espresso
5. "Flat Grape Fanta!"
4. "Parmageddon" -- Desperate chefs race to prepare a mammoth bowl of pasta to thwart a mile-wide cheese boulder hurtling toward Earth.
3. "The Day the List Stood Still"
2. "Killer Bugs" -- Handsome computer programmers endure 12 hour work days, risking Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, to save Earth (and a group of buxom supermodels) from deadly bugs from Galaxy Y2K.
1. Fran Drescher in: "Megaphone!"
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