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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Other Halloween Costumes That Net the Least Candy |
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| Posted by jesse d. stojan on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Other Halloween Costumes That Net the Least Candy
15> Invisible Weapon of Mass Destruction
14> Giant Canister of Tucks Soothing Medicated Pads
13> Unindicted Enron Executive
12> Overzealous Headphone-Wearing Cubs Fan With Glove (Chicago Only)
11> Dell Intern
10> The Spraypainter!
9> The Surly Conservative Leggy Blonde She-Pundit (pick any)
8> Booger Boy
7> Avenging-Overworked-Cane-Field-Machete Guy
6> Diabetic Coma Boy
5> The Amazing Flatulo
4> Headless Kurt Cobain
3> Anatomically Correct Richard Hatch
2> Evil Dr. Atkins, the Low-Carb Monster
1> Internet Humor List Contributor... from HELL!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Mathman2 on 14-Aug-2005 | Wildest Christmas EverThis is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
Christmas with Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued."Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like |
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| Posted by Laughing Lisa on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. "I really don't deserve this."
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| Posted by Alycia on 13-Aug-2005 | The Four Stages Of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
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| Posted by Piper_85 on 13-Aug-2005 | Twas the Computer Before ChristmasTwas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house
not a peripheral was stirring,
not even the mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that new software soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of the Internet danced in their heads.
And Mama in her rollers, and I with a nightcap,
had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.
When out on the Net there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the monitor I flew like a flash,
opened the menu, and threw away hard earned cash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but an Internet website and eight links far and near.
With a hardware driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must do the trick.
More rapid than eagles, the errors they came,
my webserver problems no longer a pain?
Now Egghead! Now Best Buy! Now, Shop-ko and K-Mart!
On Daltons! On Waldens! On, Kohls and on Wal-Mart!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now spend your cash! Spend your cash! Spend your cash all!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
but up to my hard-drive the problems they flew,
with a disk full of errors and CD-Roms, too!
And then in a twinkling, I heard a wave file.
with a beep and a buzz I knew I'd be waiting awhile!
As I rolled up my eyes and was turning around,
a virtual St. Nicholas appeared with a bound.
Electronically dressed in fur, from head to foot,
his clothes were all tarnished with virtual ashes and soot.
A bundle of software he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a salesman just opening his pack.
His VGA eyes twinkled! His paintbrush dimples merry!
His pantone cheeks were like roses, his nose a cherry!
His downloaded mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and his bitmap beard was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and virtual smoke encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a GUI face and a round little belly,
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was drafted in graphics, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and fixed all my fatal errors, then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger aside of his face,
and giving a nod, to the hard-drive he raced.
He into the mist of hidden files obsessed,
disappeared until next year his function keys pressed.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he blinked out of sight,
Happy Christmas to all, and a web site good night!
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| Posted by Max Margulies on 13-Aug-2005 | Good Christmas GiftA young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note.
While wrapping up the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.
Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart: Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart... I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they won't shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss then during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love, Hollingsworth
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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