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():sport jokes (950): The Top 15 Other Pete Rose Confessions |
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| Posted by Vanessa E. Saunders on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Other Pete Rose Confessions
15> Although he never bet on the Reds, he did sometimes bet while *on* reds.
14> Actually earned the nickname "Charlie Hustle" while working the streets in Times Square.
13> Was once married to Britney Spears for 18 hours.
12> Enjoys sipping tea while listening to the comforting sounds of Zamfir.
11> Secretly believes the Fab Five on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" are gay.
10> Rose is really his middle name.
9> Before returning to his "Moe," once tried a "Larry" hairstyle during spring training 1987.
8> During games, he'd pick his nose and wipe it on his uniform. The location of the booger told his bookie how to place his bet.
7> It was all an undercover operation to allow Pete to infiltrate secret Al-Qaeda sports-betting cells.
6> Stated that he never bet on the Reds to lose, but often bet on them not to win.
5> Once lost $100,000 in a beard-growing contest -- to Marge Schott.
4> Lost a bundle betting Michael Jackson would stop after nose #3.
3> To increase his base-running speed, he replaced his humerus, ulna and radius bones with cork.
2> Once slid head-first into a Sizzler salad bar.
1> Faked an injury once so he could smuggle a gift box of chocolates into X-Ray to see which had coconut and which were caramel cremes.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():sport jokes (950): The Top 15 Things Overheard During the Lingerie Bowl |
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| Posted by Chris Gyorkos on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Things Overheard During the Lingerie Bowl15> "Boy, this sure gives new meanings to the phrase 'game of inches,' doesn't it?"
14> "Now *that's* what I call a naked bootleg!"
13> "After further review of the play... I have decided... that I need to further review the play. This time in super slow-motion."
12> "Your bikini wax is a little 'off sides,' dear."
11> "The coach has thrown the 'challenge' flag. Evidently, he doesn't think those things are real."
10> "The ref has called for a measurement... AGAIN."
9> "And at halftime, some lucky fan will get the chance to take a few snaps from center."
8> "Illegal contact, 15-yard penalty -- but MAN, was that hot!"
7> "Our sideline reporter tells us it's only a sprained nipple and they're going to put some ice on it. Let's see if our cameraman can get us a close-up."
6> "Please dump the Gatorade... Please dump the Gatorade... Please dump the Gatorade...."
5> "Peanuts! Ice cold beer! Kleenex and WetNaps!"
4> "Win one for the stripper!"
3> "Hey! Where the hell was she hiding that Sharpie?!?"
2> "The prick is up... and it's wood!!"
1> "The girls have been wide open all day, but nobody seems capable of penetrating the red zone."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():sport jokes (950): The Top 15 Signs Someone You Know Is on Steroids Pt 2 |
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| Posted by becky yawn on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Someone You Know Is on Steroids Pt 215> The gardener finish mowing the lawn in under five minutes.
The Texas Stadium lawn.
14> The mail carrier runs house to house, spiking TV Guides and
yelling, "In your FACE, Dallas!"
13> Arrives at your wedding in a sleeveless tuxedo.
12> Your morning newspaper rockets through the picture window,
blasts out the sliding doors and does a perfect swan dive into the
neighbors' stagnant kiddie pool.
11> Last year: Dade County macrame champion.
This year: all-time MLB RBI champion.
10> Asking your wife, "What's for dinner?" now earns you a snort
and repetitive pawing at the dirt.
9> When raising the host, Father O'Malley now strikes
a body-builder pose.
8> Johnny's mom gives all eight kids on the soccer
team a ride to practice -- piggyback.
7> Grandma's latest hobby: crocheting trawling nets
for tuna boats.
6> When your wife gets a wobbly-wheeled cart at the
supermarket, she just picks it up and carries it around like a hand
basket.
5> Manages to work "testicle size is overrated" into
every conversation.
4> He's far and away the best player on his T-ball
team -- and the *only* one with a beard.
3> Kicks your mailbox off its post, then says, "I'll
ask again: How many boxes of Thin Mints shall I put you down for?"
2> The Starbucks barista has taken to grinding the
beans for your latte in his teeth.
1> Just went 4-for-5 with three homers against Randy
Johnson -- while on her period.
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris
White ]
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():sport jokes (950): The Top 15 Signs Someone You Know Is on Steroids Pt1 |
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| Posted by Jaz on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Someone You Know Is on Steroids Pt115> He just hit one out of Dodger Stadium -- from his 8th-floor
Manhattan cubicle.
14> Woe is the disfigured child who wandered too close to Jenny
"Buzzsaw" Angelino's jump-rope during recess.
13> The winner of your junior high school spelling bee has a
skull the size of a basketball.
12> His bicep explodes, injuring four.
11> The daily back-shaving requests are getting old.
Then again, you don't want your wife looking like a gorilla.
10> She's a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model -- East German
edition.
9> After losing, your wife crushes the remaining
Scrabble tiles to dust with one hand.
8> Sure, basketball coaches have been known to toss a
chair or two -- but in the wheelchair league?
7> "What a huge penis -- especially for a woman!"
6> The UPS man was able to deliver your new grand
piano right to your doorstep without a dolly -- or a delivery truck.
5> Last time Grandma bounced you on her knee, you
wound up with a deviated rectum.
4> Your daughter's basketball skills are nearly as
impressive as her new-found ability to pee standing up.
3> That "Mark McGwire" with 15-1 odds in the third
race at Churchill Downs? Not a horse.
2> Torn between his fear of drowning and his desire
for a vacation, Daddy lands a hook in Maui and drags it closer.
1> Given the huge head, volatile mood swings and teeny
testicles, he's either juicin' or he's a 6-month-old.
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris
White ]
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():sport jokes (950): The Top 16 Special Moments During the 2005 Baseball Season |
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| Posted by Twistie on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Special Moments During the 2005 Baseball Season16> Pete Rose is in hot water again after getting caught betting
on which players use steroids.
15> Looking to improve crowd control, the Mets introduce their
new mascot, Sniper Bill.
14> His bluff called, George Steinbrenner actually *does* buy
the Detroit Tigers with his pocket change.
13> Once again that familiar cry rings out: "Steroids!
Fresh from the lab! Get your 'roids here!"
12> Mets catcher Mike Piazza demands a trade to the crosstown
rival Yankees so he can play with "the Big Unit."
11> New promotion in Beantown: Curt Schilling bloody sweat sock
night.
9> BALCO Labs releases its data on "sudden-withdrawal
testicular explosion." Hilarity ensues.
8> Due to an opening-night misunderstanding, Charlie
Sheen throws out the first bitch.
7> Barry Bonds Night at SBC Park: The first 30,000
fans get commemorative keepsake syringes.
6> Though TV shows it only from a rear angle, viewers
are touched by the Giants' team effort in christening the "Jose Canseco
Clubhouse Community Urinal."
5> Sammy Sosa's steroid needle is found to contain
cork.
4> Honoring their contract signed last year, the Red
Sox play their home games at Lucifer Field, home of the "red monster."
3> With steroids out of the picture, the 2005 home run
title is won by Ted Williams's frozen head.
2> After years of shame, Tommy Lasorda admits to a
'roids problem of his own and signs a lucrative endorsement deal with
Preparation H.
1> Steve Bartman makes a tragic return to Wrigley
Field, unaware it's commemorative bat giveaway day.
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by
Chris White ]
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():sport jokes (950): The Top 16 Signs You Have March Madness |
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| Posted by Elizabeth on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs You Have March Madness16> At dinner you form your mashed potatoes and asparagus into
brackets.
15> You've taken to referring to your youngest child as a
"fourth seed."
14> Instead of an "Amen!" you give the preacher a "Yeah, baby!"
13> Breakfast starts with a bracket of 64 Cheerios -- losers are
eaten, winners move on. Of course, in the end even the
Champion Cheerio gets to visit StomachLand.
12> In honor of Bobby Knight, you choke the chicken with both
hands.
11> You've actually started praying again.
10> You're 5'8" with a hefty paunch and lead feet, yet you think
you've got enough "madd skillz" to take on all comers down at the South
Side Y.
9> In a moment of weakness, you tell your barber,
"Give me the Dickie V."
8> "Dad, I got accepted to Harvard!" "Who?"
7> You demanded that the rehearsal dinner be at a
sports bar.
6> "I have March Madness!" sounds marginally better
than "I let the 'Girls Gone Wild' photographer buy me 14 tequila
shooters at South Padre."
5> You call it a "backcourt violation," but your wife
calls it perverted.
4> You just voted to give the federal courts
jurisdiction to reinsert Wake Forest into the tournament.
3> Huge tattoos of John Philip Sousa on both ass
cheeks.
2> Before climbing to the top of the clock tower, you
festively paint the bullets in the team colors.
1> Wanting to stay home and watch the games all day
Thursday and Friday, but not wanting to tell your boss a lie about a
death in the family, you're faced with a dilemma: which
grandparent to murder.
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris
White ]
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