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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 *Other* Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman |
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| Posted by Derek N. Wallbank on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 *Other* Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.
6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Henry Alarcon on 14-Aug-2005 | Skiing TipsThis is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
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| Posted by roderick brown on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Worst Things About Autumn
14> Cold mornings followed by hot afternoons leave your nipples exhausted.
13> Too cold to have the AC running all the time and still too warm to keep those bodies in the crawl space from going ripe.
12> Death. Death surrounds us, infuses the air with its foul presence, sucks life from once-breathing limbs, colors the sky a putrefying grey. Also, ski accessories get marked WAY up.
11> Confused young men have no idea where to turn their fancy.
10> Dennis Rodman's hair turns from yellow to red.
9> Martha Stewart's recipes always seem to feature phallic-shaped squash, sliced.
8> Annoying shrieks of the leaves as they hurtle toward the ground -- or am *I* the only one who hears these?
7> Terry Bradshaw starts talking, and doesn't stop until late January.
6> Chicago Cubs already mathematically eliminated from *next* year's baseball playoffs.
5> Getting a bit chilly for the old raincoat trick.
4> Classic rock radio's moronic "Zeptember" gives way to even more idiotic "Rocktober."
3> Like the autumn leaves, that pair of underwear you've been wearing every day this summer begins to change to golden browns and yellows.
2> End of the summer state fair season means members of The Marshall Tucker Band once again begin roaming the neighborhood looking for grub.
1> Exploding fragmentation pumpkins (Montana only).
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Jamie G. Snell on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Hip Hop Holiday Songs20> Deck the Hoz
19> Gift-Wrapper's Delight
18> Grandma Got Run Over by an Escalade
17> Slay Ride
16> Frosty Da Blow Man
15> Here We Come A-Wizzassaillzzin'
14> We Three Pimps
13> Police Navidad
12> I Saw Daddy Capping Santa's Ass
11> Blingle Bells
10> I'dlay Maria
9> All I Want for Christmas is My Two Gold Teeth
8> Angels We Have Heard While High
7> Jingle Bell Glock
6> We Wish You a Ludacrismas
5> O Lil' Kim of Bethlehem
4> Hood King Wenceslas
3> Violent Night
2> Baby Got Socks
1> Whose Kid Is This, Bitch?!?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Enobmort Edils on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Rejected Christmas Toy Ideas
15> Box O' Nails! (Now with glass!)
14> Sit 'n Spin Rotisserie
13> The Junior Daredevil loosely assembled bicycle
12> Marge Schott's Real American Super See 'n' Say
11> Lincoln's Logs (Learn about the digestive system *and* our 16th President!)
10> The Drunken Daddy Playset (with a six-pack of "beer" and a stained undershirt)
9> Larry King action figure
8> The Kurt Cobain Dead Rock Star Game (Land on the wrong space and Kurt's brains are everywhere!)
7> Radio Shack High Voltage Experiment Center
6> Uno Bomber Action Card Game
5> Drill Sgt. Larry, with lifelike PantsDrop(tm) action
4> The Waiting For Godot Action Playset
3> My First Breathalyzer
2> Fondle Me Jacko
1> "Poke-Your-Eye-Out Stick" by Wham-O
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996, 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Marco Fonseca on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Rejected TV Holiday Specials
20> The Osbourne Family *)&(#$%^& Christmas Blast!phemy
19> The Democratic Debate That Sucked Out All the Holiday Cheer
18> Runny the Snot Man
17> Grandma Got Run Over by a Steamroller: A "Jackass" Christmas
16> Michael Jackson's "Staying in Bed for the Holidays" With the Vienna Boys' Choir
15> The Little Dreidel Boy
14> Martha Stewart's Holiday Party You Couldn't Possibly Afford to Host
13> Last-Minute Bargain Shopping and Stocking Stuffing With Winona Ryder
12> Snoop Dogg's Very Mevizzle Christizzle
11> The Endorsement That Ruined Hanukkah for One Particular Presidential Candidate
10> It's Dubya With a Fake Turkey, Charlie Brown!
9> One Last Holiday With the Troops: A Bob Hope Cryptmas in Iraq
8> Al Franken narrates "Santa Claus Is a Big Fat Lying Idiot"
7> Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: A "Queer Eye" Christmas
6> A Rockin' Sockin' Bobby Brown Kwanzaa
5> A Cruisin' and Boozin' Christmas With Glen Campbell, Wynonna Judd and Nick Nolte
4> Go Kill It On the Mountain: A Ted Nugent Reindeer-Huntin' Holiday!
3> Dancer and Prancer's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" USO Spectacular
2> SpongeJesus SwaddlingPants
1> Santa, Live From Inside the Paris Hilton!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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