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| Posted by Minty Fresh on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Predictions for 2004 (Part I)
15> In an attempt to lower the cost of government, President Bush eliminates the month of September.
14> Keith Richards dies and is cremated; the smoke makes the entire city of London high for three days.
13> A presidential debate brings to light the fact that Al Gore didn't actually invent the Internet -- Howard Dean did.
12> Lance Armstrong wins his sixth consecutive Tour de France despite being forced by the French government to ride a Big Wheel.
11> With a cry of "Now Unite for Great Justice!" all nine Democratic candidates merge together into UltraDemBot to take on George W. Bush in the presidential election.
10> Despite a petition signed by most of TopFive's contributors, "Disciplining the Primate" is once again rejected as an Olympic event.
9> World peace achieved, cancer cured, that babe in marketing goes out with-- Hey! Who slipped the acid into my Fresca?
8> Saddam Hussein's execution by firing squad is postponed when Halliburton tries to charge $300,000 per bullet.
7> In an attempt to bolster his failing career, Joe Piscopo dangles his 4-month-old child from stage over a group of nasty hecklers.
6> NASA scientists are astounded when J.Lo's ass develops its own gravitational pull.
5> A surprisingly underachieving contestant pulls out a second consecutive win on a new reality TV series that pits a dozen equally inept Americans against one another for the title of "President of the United States."
4> Building on the success of re-hiring Joe Gibbs, the Washington Redskins name Y.A. Tittle their starting quarterback.
3> McDonald's joins the low-carb diet trend and offers fries composed entirely of beef fat.
2> John Kerry loses the presidential election when his plan to appeal to Britney Spears fans by French-kissing Al Gore and Bill Bradley on stage backfires and leaves him with unsightly cold sores.
1> Jesus returns to Earth and sees his shadow, resulting in six more years of reality TV.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Signs a Cartoon Character Is Getting Old |
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| Posted by Gledson Bernardelli Pereira on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs a Cartoon Character Is Getting Old14> The only thing wonderful about Wonder Woman is her Wonderbra. 13> Charlie Brown switches his affection to the little blue-haired girl. 12> Wile E. Coyote receives fewer parcels from ACME, more parcels from AARP. 11> New royal title: King Valiant. New color for horrid mixing-bowl haircut: gray. 10> Sylvester's only interested in the Early Tweety Bird Special. 9> The X-Men have become the Ex-Lax Men. 8> Popeye's face retains the shape of the frying pan Bluto hit him with for the rest of the episode. 7> Dilbert's tie no longer points upward without pharmaceutical help. 6> Cathy finally gives up on men and moves into a Greenwich Village flat with Marcie and Peppermint Patty. 5> Pepe LePew no longer makes any scents. 4> SpongeBob's SquarePants are now UpToHisArmpits, and he can't seem to get rid of that rank dirty-dish smell. 3> Bugs spends a lot of time in the examination room asking, What's up with my prostate, Doc? 2> Now retired and living in Florida, Zonker Harris and Michael Doonesbury unintentionally vote for Bush -- again. 1> His wife has taken to calling him Limpy Limppecker. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Titles in Cosmo's Spirituality Column |
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| Posted by Tasteless on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Titles in Cosmo's Spirituality Column15> Get Your Soul Into Salvation Shape by Summer!14> 10 Sexual Techniques from Buddha for Plus-Sized Lovers13> Communion Wafers -- A Carbohydrate Nightmare12> Are You Compatible With Jesus? Take This Quiz!11> Kosher Couture -- News About Shoes for Jews10> Meditation: More Than Just Sitting There Thinking About Stuff?9> The Eighth Sacrament: Bikini Waxing8> What Would Jesus Do (About Those Unsightly Hips)?7> New Age Crystal Powers -- 'Cause You'll Believe Just About Anything6> He Loves Us All -- So How Do You Get Jesus to Pay Attention to Only You?5> Evangelism: Doing His Will in a Missionary Position4> Finding the Perfect Crucifix for YOUR Cleavage3> Jesus? Moses? Mohammed? Which Prophet Is Your Ideal Guy?2> 3 Paths to Spiritual Enlightenment -- and Slimmer Thighs!1> Worship and Prayer: 2 More Things You Can Do on Your Knees [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs You're Eating a 25-Year-Old Happy Meal |
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| Posted by The Funny Jokester Guy on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs You're Eating a 25-Year-Old Happy Meal16> The burger and fries taste about the same, but the Tab's a bit flat.15> The environment-proof packaging doubles as wall insulation.14> Your prize? A Jimmy Carter figure with Hustle-Action Hips!13> Mayor McCheese doesn't yet show the ravaging effects of his crack habit.12> That Daisy Duke on the box sure looks like a purty girl. But then so do Bo and Luke.11> The loogie hocked in the burger smells of Billy Beer.10> The burger is served *with* a bun, in blatant disregard for your child's carb intake.9> It tastes like Norman Fell.8> The Farrah Fawcett mini-poster that came with it shows no discernible traces of irony or sarcasm.7> When you place your order, the guy behind the counter yells, No Coke. Pepsi!6> The included toy is hand-carved from real wood and can be fully enjoyed even if you haven't seen the movie.5> The condiments include salt, pepper, ketchup and sweet, sweet cocaine.4> The fries are cold as ice... they're willing to sacrifice your love.3> The Michael Jackson trading card inside has some black guy on it.2> You broke a French fry in half and counted the grease rings.1> The collectible Gary Coleman trading card draws your attention to the real Gary Coleman working the grill in the back. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs Something's Gone Wrong in Your Vegas Show |
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| Posted by Jessica A. Locklear on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Something's Gone Wrong in Your Vegas Show16> The only people involved with the show who are wearing enormous, feathered headdresses are the lighting guys.
15> Audience members are clamoring for you to sing something from "back when you didn't suck."
14> Crowd cheers wildly at the sudden appearance of Blue Man Group. The problem is that you're with Cirques du Soleil and those are actually the Amazing Plastic-Bag-on-the-Head-for-Too-Long Brothers.
13> Distracted by some cherries jubilee, Ann-Margaret bites a waiter in the jugular during her "Kitten With a Whip" routine.
12> The mob, not caring for "Johnny Wallenda's Italian Humor Revue," relocated your show to the hotel roof and renamed it "The Flying Wellenda -- One Night Only!"
11> No matter how many times you count, there is still an *odd* number of breasts on stage.
10> After removing the blindfold, you notice that the front-row patrons aren't covered with bits of watermelon, but with turtle guts.
9> As if it weren't bad enough that your big-budget, three-act extravaganza was written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, Keanu is your lead dancer.
8> Danny Gans is ill and his stand-in, Danny Glans, is doing his impression of a snail in a German army helmet.
7> Your "Lena the Stripper Magician" act leaves you precious few places to secrete the disappearing doves.
6> You just don't understand why sales for your "Bob Hope/Art Carney/John Ritter New Year's Eve Comedy Spectacular" aren't booming.
5> A slight scheduling mixup results in Lennox Lewis' 10-second knockout of Meat Loaf.
4> A berserk Penn Jillette is dragging you across the stage by your throat and you can't scream without breaking character.
3> You ate an apple too close to show time, and people did *not* pay to see Celine Dion look like a snake that just ate a pig whole.
2> Thanks to your hair-lipped costume designer, the chorus girls showed up with pastries on their breasts.
1> "For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer from the audience! You... yes, you, sir... come right up here on stage. What's your name?"
"Attorney General John Ashcroft."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator |
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| Posted by Imfuktup Man on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator
16> He shows up wearing tights and a beach-towel cape and shouts, "This is a job for Decoratorman!"
15> His stated intent to "Graceland this place up" is a little worrisome.
14> Suggests trying a scheme that's color-coordinated with your gastro-intestinal tract.
13> It turns out the only thing he has in common with Martha Stewart is a felony conviction.
12> Her default solution to any wall-covering situation? Clay Aiken posters.
11> Keeps trying to convince you of the decorative power of Quaker Rolled Oats.
10> Asks if you wouldn't mind storing some corpses for him in your basement "until the heat dies down."
9> Suggests you sell your kids "since they keep messing the place up."
8> As you enter your house for the first time, Tom Bodett and some guy with a violin are serenading you.
7> Her preferred living room fabric? Ham.
6> It's not really important to you that the carpet match both the cat AND your toupee.
5> You ask for a "country" decor; he gives you post-Nazi Poland.
4> Every single room is the same: aqua on one wall, orange on another and Dan Marino's face looking down from the ceiling.
3> "I call this look 'Abu Ghracious Living.'"
2> You're not sure exactly what's involved in a "Chuck Berry-style" bathroom, but it can't be good.
1> Thanks to Escher & Sons, you can no longer find your bathroom.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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