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| Posted by Eminem Isgod on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Punchlines Without Jokes15. ...and Ms. Reno says, "Yeah, and it's DEEP, too!"
14. ...and the film will star Tom Arnold, Pauley Shore, and Quentin Tarantino.
13. "If word gets out, EVERYONE will want an extra pancreas."
12. ...and her husband says, "But they're twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
11. ...and she says, "So that's what Tiger means by 'getting up and down in two'."
10. ...so Steve Buscemi says, "How much Bosco can you drink, anyway?!"
9. "So's mine, lady -- must be the salt water!"
8. "So the talking duck turns to the guy and says, 'You wanna hear my impression of De Niro?'"
7. ...then the doctor says, "Ok, now it's my turn to cough".
6. Freud -- Because he'd get so excited by the donut that he'd never miss his wallet!
5. "If you can say you're a Kennedy, I can say I'm 18."
4. "Well if I'd known I had a squid in my underwear, I would have ordered the rice pilaf."
3. ...then the second trapper cried, "Sacre bleu! I deed not know she was ze prime ministaire's daughtaire!"
2. The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with HIS.
1. ...then Cathy Lee says, "What do you mean there's no such thing as Tuesday Night Football?!"
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Other Grave Mistakes Martha Stewart Has Made |
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| Posted by Caleb J. Pering on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Other Grave Mistakes Martha Stewart Has Made15> Put out a plate of Girl Scout cookies at her 11th birthday party, then told everyone she'd spent all morning baking.
14> Failed to have her people whack Cybill Shepherd before she could star in that terrible NBC biopic.
13> Dressed a 7-Eleven hot dog with Grey Poupon and mango salsa.
12> Didn't use the melon baller on her weaselly little stockbroker when she had the chance.
11> Tarragon in bouillabaisse? ARE YOU *MAD*, WOMAN?!?
10> On one occasion, in a momentary lapse, allowed her cold stare to rise to above 32 degrees.
9> Dedicated an entire show to sphincter-tightening exercises.
8> The Danvers Opening was expected, but then attempting to transform it into a Gunderam Attack was just suicide!
7> Sent a congratulatory case of champagne to Sammy Sosa when he hit his 500th home run.
6> Once disciplined staff with a white garotte after Labor Day.
5> Forgot that it's red wine with illegal stock trading, white wine with accounting fraud.
4> Giant floral centerpiece on her dining room table is made entirely of old, unpaid parking citations.
3> Accidentally voted for Buchanan in '00.
2> Spent many wasted years pining away for Richard Chamberlain.
1> Wore a camouflage dress to her high school prom.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Murph J. Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs You Were Switched at Birth13. You don't look anything like Mary and Joseph.
12. No one else in the family is white, except for Uncle Jacko and his wife.
11. Unlike everyone else in your backwoods, redneck, trailer-park family, it is your ambition to become the President of the United States.
10. No one else in your nomadic tribe seems to share your love of collecting Beanie Babies.
9. The way your dad always says, "Aye, you've a bonney wee Afro, m'lad."
8. You think Kathie Lee's REAL children would have to turn out 200 blouses per hour?
7. Your dad: astronomy professor at M.I.T.
You: Almost starved to death when you got a cue ball stuck in your mouth.
6. Your family celebrates your graduation from high school by butcherin' a hog and tappin' the still.
5. Sober, monogamous, and a Kennedy? Hmmm...
4. Your dad, Mr. Hawking, shows little if any enthusiasm for your burgeoning career as a pro wrestler.
3. You bear an uncanny resemblance to the President of the United States, but hell, so do a lot of kids in Arkansas.
2. Your brothers, Alec, Billy, Daniel and Steven, also work in film, but you're the one who manages a Fotomat.
1. You: All-State linebacker Your father: President of Microsoft
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| Posted by Evan Hawbaker on 08-Aug-2005 | poorYour mama is so poor that when I walked in your backyard and stepped on a cochroach, she said, "Thanks for killing dinner."
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Additional Foreign Translations of English Movie Titles |
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| Posted by Samantha Taraboletti on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Additional Foreign Translations of English Movie Titles12. "The Waterboy" -- "Water Torture, American Style"
11. "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" -- "Fear Makes Young Women's Breasts Move Up and Down"
10. "Chasing Amy" -- "Boy Gets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Girl Gets Girl, Girl Loses Girl, Boy Gets Girl Back"
9. "Titanic" -- "Ship Outta Luck"
8. "Scream" -- "Stop Stabbing Me!" "Scream 2" -- "Stop Stabbing Me Again, Dammit!"
7. "Armageddon" -- "Giant Testosterone Ball Crashes to Earth"
6. "Something About Mary" -- "If She Likes the Hair Gel, Wait Till She Sees the Body Lotion!"
5. "Babe: Pig in the City" -- "The Happy Dumpling To Be Who Made Complete Friggin' Idiots Out of The NY Times and ABC News"
4. "Mask of Zorro" -- "My Long Hard Blade Can Help Many Women"
3. "You've Got Mail" -- "I've Put You Out of Business, Now Sleep With Me, Woman!"
2. "Die Hard" -- "Foolish American Overdoses on Viagra"
1. "Patch Adams" -- "Laugh At My Antics Before You Die, Sick Idiots!"
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com]
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| Posted by aaaaa a. aaaaaaaaa on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Least Popular Candy Heart Sayings13. STD FREE
12. UR A WEASEL
11. BE OURS
10. SOY BOMB
9. TONGUE ME
8. BE MY INTERN
7. LOVE?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, "LOVE"? I SPEND 12 HOURS A DAY CARVING THESE STUPID SAYINGS ON THESE STUPID HEARTS AND YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT LOVE?!?
6. HAIRY CHEST
5. I STALK U
4. ASS FLAVORED!
3. GOT CRABS?
2. R THOSE REAL?
1. VIAGRA 100MG
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com]
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