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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part II) |
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| Posted by Marshky Marshk on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part II)15> We're still too busy answering "fan mail" from 1999's NRA list.
14> Oh, we have, we have. You're just too obtuse to have noticed. By the way: nice haircut.
13> You rely on Amish AOL for all your e-mail humor updates.
12> It's our fault -- we didn't realize a few people actually voted for Pat Buchanan on purpose.
11> Left-handed feminist surfers are pretty laid back unless we make fun of the way your pendulous breasts swing when you wax your boards.
10> You open your daily Top 5 List e-mail message only to see if there are any pictures.
9> We insult men in descending order of penis size, so you may be waiting a while, Chester.
8> After Bill's repudiation, Ken's interrogation, Hillary's disdain, Linda's betrayal, cable news' vilification, HBO's lack of support and the dismal failure of "Mr. Personality," Top5 couldn't possibly get under your skin.
7> As a Vulcan, you have no emotions.
6> You get automatic immunity because you're a contributor now, unlike that pompous airbag Trebek.
5> Despite your numerous amusing balding middle-aged guy foibles, the balding middle-aged guys who own and write the lists fail to see the humor potential.
4> You always bring twice-baked potatoes smeared with Country Crock and Velveeta to the weekly Top5 staff meetings.
3> Because we're gentle-natured, compassionate folks who would never intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, even a semi-literate pea-brained walking bullseye like you.
2> Alphabetically, you're on our list right after Zone Diet followers and zoologists, Sheep-Boy.
1> "Sorry, I'm away from my e-mail again today. I'm busy banging yet another bikini model on the beach in the back of my Hummer between bank runs! Hugs & Kisses, Carrot Top."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Things Overheard in New York City During the Blackout |
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| Posted by Save D. Last Dance on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Things Overheard in New York City During the Blackout14> "Does something smell funny to you? ... No, I mean funnier than usual."
13> "Hey, I don't hear Howard Stern! For the first time in twenty years, I DO NOT HEAR HOWARD STERN! Praise ye thy God, for He is mighty, merciful, and just!"
12> [sniff, sniff] "Canal Street's this way."
11> "I hope we get the power back before I have to carry The Donald up to his penthouse again."
10> "Hey, would the redhead in the leather skirt who boarded the subway carrying a Tower Records bag give a holler? What I'm groping here feels more like denim."
9> "What the hell are all those twinkling things in the sky?"
8> "Somebody tell the good Reverend Sharpton that we'll have his hot comb working as quickly as we can, and there is no reason for the bullhorn and the protesters."
7> "So we followed the glow from the crack pipes...."
6> "I'd like to shake your hand and thank police academy cadets like you for all the hard work you're doing helping to maintain order during this difficult time for our fine city."
"Thank you, President Clinton, but that's not my hand."
5> "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? No? Then kindly unhand my wiener."
4> "If you'll all just proceed in a trendy and disaffected manner, we'll get this club emptied in no time."
3> "Do you have any batteries, or should I just go f**k myself?"
2> "You got stuck at the top of the Empire State Building? Big deal! *I* got stuck in a mammography machine!"
1> "Man, if I had known that I'd be sleeping on the sidewalk tonight, I wouldn't have peed all over it on my way to work this morning."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Things You'll Never Say a Second Time |
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| Posted by Brynn Barraclough on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Things You'll Never Say a Second Time15> "Boss, that project is so simple, any idiot could bring it in ahead of schedule and under budget."
14> "I hope the fine isn't more than $200, officer. That's all I have with me."
13> "Question over here, Arnold! Why does Maria look like a friggin' skeleton?"
12> "Oooh! Somebody from Montana sent me a package made entirely of wood!"
11> "Cool! If you look through the wrong end of the binoculars, those charging elephants look really far away!"
10> "Hell's Angels? Then why are you all dressed like one of the Village People?"
9> "Hey, anyone wanna bet me I can't stuff this wad of salt-water taffy into my johnson and target-shoot that beer bottle off the bar?"
8> "'Don't try this at home,' my ass."
7> "Tequila? That stuff's for wimps! I can drink it all night and still be sober enough to drive home."
6> "After I pick up my handgun, let's go see that new Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez flick."
5> "Don't give me any of that white-trash trailer-skank attitude, waitress. Just bring me my damn soup."
4> "Believe me, John Ashcroft has much better things to do than read some lame-ass Internet humor list."
3> "Here are your sunglasses, Mrs. Simpson."
2> "You're STD-free, right? Man, I can't believe I'm sleeping with a girl who knows Charlie Sheen!"
1> "We'll be safe here, Uday and Qusay."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by leilah on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Worst "Line Extension" Products20> Froot Parallelograms
19> Coleslaw Patch Dolls
18> Bacardi's 3 Mile Island Iced Tea
17> Chicken McNougats
16> Kellogg's Salt-Frosted Flakes
15> 3M Post-It Pink Slips
14> Breyers Fish 'N' Chips Ice Cream
13> Chips O'Soy
12> Kleenex Kleer Transparent Tissues
11> Operation: Hannibal Lecter Edition
10> "CSI: Salt Lake City"
9> MoTox -- with 20% more toxins!
8> BottomFive.com
7> Dan Rather's Naked News
6> Dr. Scholl's Exercise Thongs
5> Jell-O Pork 'n' Pudding Pops
4> 10-10-911
3> Unlucky Charms ("They're Wiccanly delicious!")
2> Blue Velveeta
1> Swanson's Thirsty Man 80-Ounce Malt Liquor
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): Polite ways to tell a male he needs to zip up: By David Letterman: |
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| Posted by Hugh Jass on 14-Aug-2005 | Polite ways to tell a male he needs to zip up: By David Letterman:
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"
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| Posted by Kim H on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Your Roommate Is Dead15> He actually smells *better* these days.
14> She hasn't chattered incessantly during "Monday Night Football" for weeks.
13> Every time the phone rings, the caller ID says "GRIM REAPER."
12> You just blew this month's entire grocery budget on Glade plug-ins.
11> Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman show up with an extra pair of sunglasses to take him on a series of zany misadventures.
10> For the first time in years, your pay-per-view porn bill is less than your rent.
9> She usually just eats all your yogurt, but now she's trying to eat your brain.
8> Your date takes one look at him and asks, "What's Keith Richards doing here?"
7> Lately, she's become a little more receptive to your advances.
6> Roommate hanging a tie on the doorknob? Hot date.
Roommate hanging by his tie? Not so hot.
5> You don't remember buying a bean-bag chair.
4> Last week: Steady stream of cheerleaders going into his room with beer.
This week: Goth chicks with chainsaws leaving his room with small bundles wrapped in plastic.
3> The cleaning lady has started tacking on a $50 "heebie-jeebie fee."
2> Note on fridge: "Rent will be late, like me."
1> He's won a record 147 straight staring contests.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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