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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows |
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| Posted by Chris P. Bacon on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows
15> Mork & Mindy: Mork is detained by the Department of Homeland Security.
14> Star Trek: Kirk introduces nurse Chapel to his "personal phaser" and sets it to vibrate.
13> Gomer Pyle, USMC: "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" Gomer has trouble keeping a "don't ask, don't tell" secret.
12> M*A*S*H: Radar finally loses his virginity after the 4077th gets a shipment of sheep.
11> All in the Family: Gloria threatens to divorce Michael unless he changes his nickname to Vegetablehead.
10> Cheers: It's pot-luck night and Woody brings a hookah. "High"-jinks ensue.
9> Howdy Doody: Howdy faces his draft-dodging past when confronted by his decorated Korean War veteran brother, Tourov.
8> The Love Boat: A surprise mutiny results in Captain Stubing being hung from the yardarm as Isaac the bartender's reign of terror begins.
7> My Mother the Car: Feeling old and unattractive, Mother has some new "air bags" installed.
6> Bewitched: Mrs. Kravitz catches Samantha in bed with both Darrins at the same time.
5> The Honeymooners: In an ironic twist, Alice is chosen to be the first woman to participate in the space program.
4> Green Acres: Arnold comes down with mad pig disease.
3> Three's Company: Jack overhears something shocking and rather than jumping to conclusions, asks if he might have misunderstood. The crisis averted, the roommates spend the rest of the episode tending to their pet rock.
2> Lassie: Timmy's "Fire Hydrant" Halloween costume is accidentally ruined.
1> The Brady Bunch: Marcia's plan to make extra money as a "lady of the evening" goes awry when serial murderer Sam the Butcher becomes her first customer.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code |
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| Posted by The Breather on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code16> The number of stars in a Norman Rockwell painting represents the number of times he got to bang the housewife.15> Painted as a coded rebuke of Catholicism, each poker-playing dog represents a different pope.14> Nostradamus embellished his original prediction, which stated merely: HAZY IS THE REPLY, LATER THOU MUST TRY.13> In the Boulevard of Broken Dreams painting of Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Humphrey Bogart and James Dean in a diner, Jimi Hendrix was in the men's room taking a leak.12> As part of a Satanic pact, Ben Stiller and Ben Affleck are assigned to signal the arrival of Armageddon when the combined number of their box office flops reaches 666.11> Reading every seventh word from Shakespeare's Hamlet provides a recipe for a killer five-alarm chili.10> A cheap Rolex knock-off purchased on the streets of Manhattan inspired Dali to paint Persistence of Memory.9> The Last Supper shows the disciples prefer the blood of Christ over Coke in a blind taste test.8> The physical motions of the macarena, viewed in a mirror, represent the American Sign Language translation of The Godfather.7> Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam was conceived under the working title Hey Adam, Come Over Here and Pull Your Creator's Finger!6> Monet changed his name to Manet in an attempt to elude creditors.5> The background of Edvard Munch's The Scream is obviously Neverland Ranch.4> Jesus' middle name was Herman.3> Duchamp's original idea for Nude Descending a Staircase was squelched by his beloved model when she refused to slide down the handrail wearing only a cowboy hat, boots and spurs.2> In Mondrian's abstract Composition No. 10, the red square is totally faking it.1> A race of people with both eyes on the same side of their noses controlled Spain throughout much of the 20th century. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Funniest Things We Received in Response to Our NRA Seminar List |
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| Posted by Kate Edwards on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Funniest Things We Received in Response to Our NRA Seminar List[Punctuation and spelling belong to the authors, not the editor.]16> I THINK THAT THOSES SAYINGS ARE PREVERTED.15> Yeah, I own a civilian AK. I own a civilian AR. And a buncha other toys.14> [1st message] it is not a notion you moron, it is called the 2nd Admendment to the Constitution.....enough said. [2nd message] ok I feel stupid, I misspelled amendment, DOH!13> Every opinion provokes an equal but opposite opinion, whether you want it to or not.12> Making fun of a pack of squealing girly-men's pwecious wittle guns is sure to attract dozens upon dozens of quasi-coherent Randyan rants and buffoonish threats to water the apparently parched Tree of Liberty with gallon's of one's blood. 11> YOU HAVE ALREADY VIOLATED MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT BY TELLING ME NOT TO WRITE AND NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS AS WELL10> Didn't know you were a bunch of liberal pansies.9> Do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?8> There may not be a vast gobal conspirocy to ban guns, [...]7> I'm leaving your Top 5 list because I think you're a pinko bastard.6> Go f**k yourself you moron.5> Bite It. Stupid people who don't seem to rember if it wasn't for guns then ythis country would not be here today.4> Another point is that if I write a sentence of the form, Because blah blah blah, X You can't say that because of the exact nature of the blah, blah, blah, not X, or Y was meant instead of X. 3> If you aren't prepared to eat your neibor's cat, you aren't prepared.2> I do not condone anyone for their choices.1> I tell you what buddy I own tons of guns and I kill poor little defensless animals and I happen to have a huge Pecker. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999, 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by will on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Desperate Tourism Slogans16> Come for the Squalor, Stay for the Stonings! 15> We Put the Host in Hostage 14> Okay, What If We *Were* the Last Place on Earth? Huh? What THEN, Smart Boy?!? 13> Come Join the Search for Our Weapons of Mass Destruction! 12> As Seen on the Discovery Channel's Shark Week 11> Genital Mutilation -- With a Smile! 10> So Much Fun, We Can't Even Get Your Soldiers to Leave! 9> Why Pay Exorbitant Spa Prices? Try Our Montezuma Weight-Loss Plan! 8> Cannibalism, Schmannibalism 7> For Your Convenience, Our Syphilitic, Toothless, Mentally Unstable Prostitutes Now Accept Visa! 6> Hey, Disneyland's Not the Only Place in the World With Giant Rodents 5> Become Nebraska's 1000th Tourist and We'll Put You on Our State Quarter! 4> That Smell? Why, It's Old-World Charm!! 3> Yes, That's Dog in the Stew, But It's *Free Range* Dog 2> Our Customs Officers Have Small, Girlish Hands 1> Ethnically Cleansed for Your Protection [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends |
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| Posted by Crissie D. Craig on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends15> Now which one of you is the backstabbing slut and which is the brainless gossip who doesn't know when to shut up?14> Outfitting the guest room in style: Smoked-glass mirrored headboard on the queen-sized waterbed and 90-thread-count NASCAR sheets.13> Frisking them for weapons every half hour.12> Offering to help the guys repaint their living room a color that's a little less gay.11> Relying too heavily on the purty mouth family of comments.10> Staring down their blouses while saying in a low voice, You got any biscuits in there?9> Surprising his buddies by bringing out a lovely Super Bowl halftime luncheon of pickled okra and watercress finger sandwiches. On Hello Kitty plates.8> Shooting Jodie Foster.7> Nice try, there, sweetheart -- but let me show you how we professionals roll a burrito down at Taco Bell.6> Look, can we skip all this small talk and just get down to doing shots? I don't know how much longer I can stand you all sober.5> No, we haven't had sex yet -- or as we call it in Klingon, 'nga'chug.'4> When playing charades, pointing emphatically at one of them as your clue, then revealing that the secret phrase was butt-ugly conniving money-hungry skank-ass ho.3> Singing the lyrics to Styx songs in pig Latin.2> Privately confiding you've been knocking at her back door, but she won't answer.1> Presenting them all with friendship bracelets woven from your own pubic hair. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up |
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| Posted by K T. C on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up
16> They've begun moving into the basements of their parents' retirement homes.
15> 7-Eleven now offering early-bird specials on Jolt Cola and microwave
burritos.
14> Raves now start at 5 p.m. and break up by 9 p.m. -- just in time for "The
West Wing."
13> "Doom IV" now officially an Olympic event.
12> Ross and Rachel have moved to rural Vermont and are solving petty crimes
with Sheriff Tom Bosley in the new series, "Old Friends."
11> "MTV's Real World: Suburban Omaha."
10> They're trading in their mosh-pit bangings for Sunday afternoon games of
no-contact, non-competitive Ultimate Frisbee.
9> A panicky Larry King quickly learns to kiss Tony Hawk's ass.
8> Out: Stone Temple Pilots. In: Tso Temple Pilates.
7> The playlist this morning on your dentist's Muzak system: Fugazi, Pearl Jam,
Nirvana and Green Day.
6> Out: Goth 24/7. In: Roth 401(k).
5> Getting sex more than twice a week now qualifies as an "Xtreme" event.
4> New Mountain Dew Code Blue
3> Then: acid-washed denim. Now: acid-washed duodenum.
2> All those gray goatees are giving you a permanent KFC jones.
1> They're ready to FIGHT for their RIGHT to PUDDING.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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