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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs a Stuntperson Is Over the Hill |
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| Posted by I B. Insane on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs a Stuntperson Is Over the Hill
15> Suffers a fatal heart attack when startled by the director's shout of "Action!"
14> Doesn't mind working while totally engulfed flames, claiming it helps her arthritis.
13> A high-speed Rascal chase isn't quite what Mr. Tarantino had in mind.
12> The only explosions he sees these days are inside his Depends.
11> A delighted sound editor realizes he won't have to overdub the sounds of bones breaking after all.
10> Still drives his exploding car off a cliff, but now does it with the turn signal on.
9> Needs constant re-takes of his plunge from the hotel balcony because his dentures keep flying out.
8> His pre-stunt preparation includes a hot cup of tea, some stretching exercises and a quick peek at his good-luck photo of Teddy Roosevelt.
7> Once-thrilling car chases now reduced to a Cadillac Fleetwood going 17 mph.
6> The director decides to let Wilford Brimley do his own stunts.
5> He's the film's only Tour de France biker with a huge front tire and a tiny rear one.
4> Politely suggests that "2 Fast 2 Furious" could use a few Studebakers.
3> Has to be rushed to the ER for injuries sustained in the pie-fight scene.
2> Thanks to budgetary constraints and some late-starting Metamucil, that impossible-to-reshoot skydiving sequence just got your film an NC-17 rating.
1> She lands on the mattress 20 seconds before her breasts do.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Dishes Containing Condoms (R-rated version) |
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| Posted by Mindy A. Gotsch on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Dishes Containing Condoms (R-rated version)
15> Porked Loins
14> McRibbed Sandwich
13> Sheath Bars
12> Chicken Trojanzini
11> Rack of Lambskin
10> Glove 'n' Roasted Chicken
9> Chili Con Carnal
8> "The Wilt Chamberlain" sandwich at the Carnegie Deli
7> Pheasant Under Glans
6> Condomleezza Rice
5> Safe Sexchuan Chicken
4> Creme Booyeah
3> Veal Scumbagini
2> Quiche Lorraincoat
1> Newman's Own Chowder [tm]
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by daring-dipshit on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Misguided Sequels (Part II)
15> The Birds II: Avian Influenza
14> Holes 2: Saddam Doesn't Live Here Anymore
13> Ernest Scared Stiff: Weekend at Vernie's
12> Dude, Where's YOUR Car?
11> Schindler's PowerPoint Presentation
10> Ordinarier People
9> Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Herpes
8> 50 First Dates 2: 50 Restraining Orders
7> Son of the Graduate: Take Out Your Teeth, Mrs. Robinson
6> Babe: Pig on the Spit
5> Fight Club 2: Stop Hitting Yourself. Why're You Hitting Yourself? Stop Hitting Yourself. Why're You Hitting Yourself?
4> Little Womyn
3> Iron W. Eagle: Mission Accomplished
2> Finding Nemo 2: Desperately Seeking Sushi
1> Cold Mountain Deux
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Wah Ibanez on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Misguided Sequels (Part I)
15> Star Wars Whatever: You Geeks Will See It Anyway
14> Pokemon 2: Electric Pikachu
13> Rocky VI: I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up by the Count of Ten
12> The Matrix: Redundant
11> Willy Wonka and the Slaughterhouse: Mad Oompa Loompa Disease
10> Spider-Man vs. Orkin Man
9> Malcolm XXX
8> Wrong Turn 2: Gladys, Just Give Me the Goddamn Map, Will You?
7> Armageddon 2: Shit, We Missed One
6> Master and Commander II: Aubrey's Turn in the Barrel
5> Studbiscuit
4> American Pie 4: Mincemeat
3> Freddy Got Fingered 2: Fingered Harder
2> Burp Betty
1> Lord of the Rings IV: She's Gotta Hobbit
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways to Celebrate the Year of the Monkey |
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| Posted by 13 inches on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways to Celebrate the Year of the Monkey
15> Paint butt and town red.
14> Offer a nice, big, banana-shaped object to someone you love.
13> Celebrate getting through my State of the Union address without being distracted by shiny things.
12> Finally learn sign language so you can tell that bitch Koko what you really think of her.
11> Get your stinking paws on a couple of damned, dirty beers!
10> Same as every Year of the Monkey: Watch the giant bunch of crystal bananas fall in Tiananmen Square as the God of Longevity, Dik Kwok, emcees.
9> Call Robin Williams and Ed Asner and offer to give them a good grooming.
8> Slurp a banana daiquiri off of Paris Hilton's highly evolved body.
7> The heck with Shakespeare -- get your friends and typewriters together and submit some hot-monkey-love letters to Penthouse.
6> Telephone Charlton Heston at midnight and coo, "Happy New Year, Bright Eyes!"
5> Get spankin'!
4> 1) Marry Britney Spears. 2) Pick fleas off each other while waiting for the annulment.
3> When at the Dairy Queen, order your banana splits with "more grubs, less poo."
2> Party 'til you puke. Lap it up. Repeat.
1> Tell your wife that this year it's got to be frequent, fast and from behind.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Things Celebrities Are Giving Up for Lent |
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| Posted by Kelsy Oneill on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Things Celebrities Are Giving Up for Lent
15> Siegfried and Roy -- pork chop codpieces
14> Courtney Love -- sobriety
13> Godzilla -- Atkins' lo-carb, high-people diet
12> Boston Red Sox fans -- all hope
11> Rush Limbaugh -- painkillers... ah, who am I kidding? Can you score me anything?
10> Calista Flockhart -- those decadent mini-rice cakes with celery
9> Michael Jackson -- the lost puppy trick
8> Ashton Kutcher -- having random truckers beaten up for their wardrobe
7> Janet Jackson -- shameless, transparent, manufactured attempts to revive her dying career through cross-platform promotion on vehicles owned by the parent company of her record label in order for them to recoup some of the losses suffered from signing her to an insane $80 million contract in 1996
6> Pete Best -- repeatedly slapping self on forehead
5> Pope John Paul II -- drag-racing the popemobile on Saturday nights down at the Colosseum
4> Howard Dean -- delusions of grandeur
3> Mel Gibson -- bagels and kosher dill pickles
2> Gollum -- heroin... er... um... I mean my preciousss!
1> Justin Timberlake -- using "biology malfunction" as an excuse for impotence
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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