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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station |
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| Posted by Insane Wizard on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station15. Breakfast, lunch & dinner, every day -- Van DeCamp's Pork-and-Beans-in-a-tube.
14. "Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the cancellation of your insurance policy..."
13. Ship's computer calmly says, "I don't know what air leak you're talking about, Comrade Dave."
12. The Benetton and the Starbucks were bad enough, but that new yuppie cigar bar is really stinkin' up the place.
11. Ever since Joel left the show, it just hasn't been as funny.
10. Latest addition to the onboard crew? Some French guy who brought 200 cartons of cigarettes.
9. Mission Control announces they're going to attempt a tricky docking maneuver with the Space Shuttle Kevorkian.
8. Space station's warranty expired 3,834,621 miles ago.
7. Tang and Stoli screwdrivers have lost their kick.
6. The damage is repairable, but ever since the collision, "Comrade Wussky" has been shrieking nonstop.
5. After several days of low oxygen, you're starting to give serious consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei's offer to join the "Hundred Mile High" club.
4. It's down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.
3. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.
2. Spice Girls on the holodeck.
1. That last little collision not only set off the emergency warning, it ruined the last of your clean boxer shorts.
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| Posted by Troy Bynoe on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Scenes Cut from TitanicTwenty passengers cling to Kate Winslet's implants for safety.
At the two-hour-and-20-minute mark, dinner guest No. 5 throws down his napkin and exclaims, "Will this darn movie ever end?"
A computer-generated Herve Villechaize screams, "De berg, de berg! Boss, de berg!"
Fearing that theme song will go on forever, Celine Dion's grandma leaps from a lifeboat.
Rose's evil betrothed reveals he's really Jack's father and suggests they overthrow the captain and rule the ship together, as father and son.
Captain Clinton shows Rose his dinghy.
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| Posted by Jade on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 9 Overlooked Movies of 19989. Linda Tripp in "A Bugged Life"
8. TIFKATPOE - The Israeli Formerly Known as the Prince of Egypt
7. Bill: Pig in the White House
6. How Stella Got Laid by a Guy 20 Years Her Junior
5. Grumpy Old Men III: The Thurman Show
4. The Big Lewinski
3. Starr Trek: Hiserection
2. The Crying Game II: You've Got Male!
1. I Still Know That You Gave the President a Hummer Last Summer
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Brock A. Simpson on 14-Aug-2005 | You are 25 to 35 if...If you aren't in this age bracket, then you can at least laugh at those of us who are...................
You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and German.
You're starting to believe that maybe having kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
You did the LeFreak with Chic.
"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.
In high school you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
You wore anything Izod, especially collar up, or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around you waist.
You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were really cool.
You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper video.
You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
You rode in the back of the station wagon and faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.
Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you were educated.
You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
You had a poster of Bo, Luke or Daisy Duke.
There was nothing to question about Bert n' Ernie living together.
Knickers and leg warmers were cool.
You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar or you choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.
You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.
The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding.
You know who shot J.R.
This rings a bell: "and my name is Charlie. They work for me."
You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.
You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.
You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
Two words: feathered hair
Your jaw still aches from those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.
The phrase "Where's the beef" still cracks you up.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Changes in the New, Mature Madonna |
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| Posted by Leah Cu on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Changes in the New, Mature Madonna12. "Like a virgin?" Yeah, right. How 'bout "Like ten pounds off my lard ass?"
11. "Shanghai Surprise" now the name of her entry in the Pillsbury Bake-Off.
10. Stopped ordering unwanted pizzas to Janet Jackson's home.
9. Now only stalked by Danny from the Diaper Service.
8. Old book: "Sex" New book: "Tupperware"
7. Much easier for paparazzi to follow a mini-van going 16mph with a stuck turn signal.
6. When she appears on talk shows and swears like a construction worker, she now adds, "Pardon my f**kin' French."
5. Spends less time trying to defy critics, more time trying to defy gravity.
4. Hasn't yet slept with new personal trainer, Richard Simmons.
3. Out: Warren Beatty In: Ned Beatty
2. Wears new 18-Hour Underwire Cone Nursing Bra with Child Safety Caps.
1. The Christian Coalition has downgraded her from "Dangerous Slut" to "Has a Good Beat."
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by jordan on 14-Aug-2005 | Mommy, mommy...Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gram ma off the doorknob!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! The milkman's here;
Have you got the money or should I go out an play?
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!
Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her up three times this week.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear. Billy! Let go of her ear! All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor
Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
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