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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part II) |
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| Posted by Peter B. Wilson on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part II)
15> There's a two-month waiting list for Santa voodoo dolls at the North Pole employee gift shop.
14> All of this year's rocking horses are sporting a fifth "leg."
13> They punch out Santa's lights before he even gets to the second "ho."
12> Come Christmas morning, more than one unlucky tyke will be unwrapping a container of brown, smelly Play-Doh.
11> All the "Sorry!" games have been repackaged as "In Your Face, Loser!" games.
10> Rather than taking the time to master the latest technological advances, they simply pack every PlayStation 2 box with a Hustler and a jar of Vaseline.
9> Sewing a teddy bear is hard work. Catching a bear cub at the North Pole is easy. You do the math.
8> Rudolph, elated at finally being invited to join in some reindeer games, instead finds himself confronted by shotgun-toting elves.
7> Several of them were caught on video adding real urine to the "wet baby" dolls.
6> The See 'n Say little Allison received is teaching her that the duck says, "Santa blows," and the cow goes, "Get lost, kid."
5> Santa's elf-prepared road trip CD for Christmas Eve?
Nothin' but "It's a Small World."
4> Five of them pitched a new show to FOX: "Elf Eye for the Fat Guy."
3> Cigarette burns on Barbie's posterior.
2> The only reason they ride the Norelco shavers over the snow these days is to get to a liquor store.
1> This year the kids on the "naughty" list are receiving lumps of koala.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his... |
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():holiday jokes (333): TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T |
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| Posted by Cordelia Montgomery-Williams on 11-Aug-2005 | Jewish Santa ClausWhat does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
"Ho ho ho! Any of you kids wanna buy some toys?"
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| Posted by Lady on 11-Aug-2005 | Twas the Night Before Christmas'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Politically Correct Version
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to ''Elves'',
''Vertically Challenged'' they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called ''Unenlightened.''
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
''May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.''
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