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| Posted by alisha bowden on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You Have a Gambling Problem15. Your attempt to sweet-talk your wife by comparing her eyes to "two oranges and a cherry" fails dismally.
14. Who knew you'd lose your shirt betting Bruce would go bald before Demi?
13. It's not that you bet on the Australians to win; it's that you bet on the America's Cup in the first place!
12. You wagered against Ellen being gay... Double or nothing on Wolfe Blitzer!
11. Ceasar's Palace sends a limo to pick you up - and you live in Bushville, Indiana.
10. Although uncredited, you were in more scenes of "Leaving Las Vegas" than Nicolas Cage.
9. Strong desire to have sex with Keith Richards and/or Courtney Love.
8. Every night during "Wheel of Fortune," you scream, "Screw the vowels, spin the damn wheel!!"
7. You bet "yes" on whether or not your suicide attempt will be successful.
6. Every year you have to get a goofy haircut because you lose the bet about being elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
5. You're the proud inventor of a do-it-yourself gold filling extractor.
4. When your 12-year old complains about conditions in the mines, you retort, "Try slaving over a hot craps table all day, kid!"
3. That stack of lottery tickets in your shirt pocket is thick enough to stop a bullet.
2. Donald's newest casino: The Trump Taj MaLarry.
Your name: Larry.
1. When someone spins a lazy Susan, you slap a C-note on the counter and yell, "Creamed corn, baby, come on!"
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Christopher C. Lewis on 14-Aug-2005 | Bart Simpson's PunishmentThe opening credits of "The Simpsons" shows Bart Simpson writing on the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole "write it 100 times" punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down the sentences that Bart writes on the chalk board. The following are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you're not a fan, you'll like these:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will never win an emmy.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
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| Posted by Curtis R. Long on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 True-Life Horror Movies15. "Mr. Bean-eater"
14. "Yeastmaster V: The Yeast Within"
13. "The Adam Sandler Story" -- starring Adam Sandler as Adam Sandler
12. "Iraqnophobia"
11. "He Knows You're a Naive Beverly Hills Princess With Romantic Delusions"
10. "Night of the Desperate Amway Salesman"
9. "The Day They Called Me 'Ma'am'"
8. "Mister Ventura Goes To Washington"
7. "The Postman Always Reloads Twice"
6. "Fido's Been Eating Jalapenos and Spoiled Meat!"
5. Ken Starr's "I Know What You Did Last Hummer"
4. Richard Simmons in "The Exercist"
3. "Rosemary's Baby's Stepfather/Boyfriend"
2. "I Know Who You Did Last Summer and She's Going to Expect Child Support Payments Starting About April, You Bastard"
1. "Something Under Your Skirt Just Poked Me!"
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Signs You're Going To Spend the Rest Of Your Life Single (Part II) |
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| Posted by ryan sanders on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs You're Going To Spend the Rest Of Your Life Single (Part II)13. The last time *you* got a piece of ass was due to some sub-standard toilet paper.
12. Instead of "Occupant", your junk mail is addressed to "Loser."
11. It may be an attention-getter, but no guy wants a girlfriend who looks exactly like Dustin Hoffman.
10. Snatching a grape off a block of ice with your buttcheeks may have had the whole frat house laughing back in college, but it doesn't seem to be much of a hit with your date here at Starbucks.
9. You're ALREADY in line for "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace."
8. Your HMO has ruled your vasectomy falls under the category of "unnecessary surgery."
7. Three words: rm weiner tattoo
6. Numbers 12 through 9 on this list made you sigh, number 8 made your eye twitch, and by now you're bawling like crazy.
5. You know that 1% of men for whom Viagra *doesn't* work? Bingo.
4. Nights are so lonely that you watch "Nightline" in hopes of catching a wisp of Madeline Albright's thigh.
3. Even after years of therapy, you still wear your "cheese pants" because "chicks dig 'em."
2. No woman can ever seem to make you feel as *alive* as you felt at the TrekMania '74 convention.
1. Once you've had the President, no other man will do.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Jenna L. Reed on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Least Popular Scented Candles13. Vanilla Mr. Bean
12. Whiff o' Limbaugh
11. Dingleberry
10. Morning Breath
9. Haggis
8. Eau de Ron Jeremy
7. Essence of Stained Cocktail Dress
6. Asparagus Tinkle
5. Chicken Pot Pie-Berry
4. Grandpa's Air Biscuits
3. Springtime in Jersey
2. Looooove Gravy
1. Yesterday's Chili Festival
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| Posted by Pussy Licker on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Greatest Stoner Inventions15> Caramel Toothpaste
14> Dancing Hula Girl Rosary Beads
13> Combination Salad Shooter/De-Seeder
12> Automatic Coats-Anything-With-Peanut-Butter Machine
11> Supply-Side Economics
10> "Waitin' For My F***ing Ham" Kitchen Timer
9> "You don't get it, man? It's like a fork *and* a spoon! A 'Foon'!"
8> Binaca-Flavored Visine
7> A TV set with a Teletubby in its middle.
6> The NASA Channel
5> Tie-Dye Contact Lenses
4> Barbie Dream House Smoke Alarm
3> Iron-On Tattoos
2> The Mood Thong
1> "Chips Ahoy. Chipsahoy. No, wait. Chip Sahoy. Hee hee. Chipsahoy! Oh, man."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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