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():school humor (1428): The Top 15 Signs You Won't Be Giving a Commencement Speech |
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| Posted by Daniel J. Gatsch on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You Won't Be Giving a Commencement Speech
15> Every time you get close to a microphone, your Ethel Merman compulsion takes over.
14> "That's my monthly Vegas weekend. Can you move the ceremony to Monday?"
13> Even a graduation gown won't hide that ankle bracelet.
12> A great Jedi you may be. A great orator not are you!
11> You are, most unfortunately, too engrossed with unraveling the Chicken of the Sea Paradox to impart your wisdom to appetent youth.
10> "What Would Omarosa Do?" is not a hot topic right now.
9> Working the graveyard shift at the convenience store, you generally don't wake up until late afternoon.
8> You are in the middle of a very important court case. Also, you live with a chimp.
7> You were class valedictorian, only without the "vale" or the "torian."
6> Your crowning achievement is membership in ClubTop5.
5> Not only are you a proud C student, but three years in, you still pronounce it "nook-culer."
4> The only thing you're about to commence is 25-to-life.
3> You can't even look at tassels without waving a folded-up dollar bill in the air.
2> No shirt, no shoes, no speech.
1> Your highest "degree" is an honorary mail-order GED.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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1 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Bob Matthews on 11-Aug-2005 | Cat Joke(sort of)Read each line ALOUD:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is about cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
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():school humor (1428): 30 Things to do on an exam when you know that you are going to fail it anyway |
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| Posted by Kristen on 13-Aug-2005 | 30 Things to do on an exam when you know that you are going to fail it anyway
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions a loud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking. "Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and runoff.
6. 15 min. into the exam, standup, rip up all the papers in to very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bath robe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. standup, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream and walkout triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, any thing you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
24. Masturbate.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
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():school humor (1428): You might be a college student if . . . |
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| Posted by E- D on 09-Aug-2005 | You might be a college student if . . .14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
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