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():school humor (1428): The Top 15 Signs You Won't Be Giving a Commencement Speech |
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| Posted by Daniel J. Gatsch on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You Won't Be Giving a Commencement Speech
15> Every time you get close to a microphone, your Ethel Merman compulsion takes over.
14> "That's my monthly Vegas weekend. Can you move the ceremony to Monday?"
13> Even a graduation gown won't hide that ankle bracelet.
12> A great Jedi you may be. A great orator not are you!
11> You are, most unfortunately, too engrossed with unraveling the Chicken of the Sea Paradox to impart your wisdom to appetent youth.
10> "What Would Omarosa Do?" is not a hot topic right now.
9> Working the graveyard shift at the convenience store, you generally don't wake up until late afternoon.
8> You are in the middle of a very important court case. Also, you live with a chimp.
7> You were class valedictorian, only without the "vale" or the "torian."
6> Your crowning achievement is membership in ClubTop5.
5> Not only are you a proud C student, but three years in, you still pronounce it "nook-culer."
4> The only thing you're about to commence is 25-to-life.
3> You can't even look at tassels without waving a folded-up dollar bill in the air.
2> No shirt, no shoes, no speech.
1> Your highest "degree" is an honorary mail-order GED.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():school humor (1428): You might be a college student if . . . |
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| Posted by E- D on 09-Aug-2005 | You might be a college student if . . .14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
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():school humor (1428): Fun things to do on the first day of class |
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| Posted by Eissirk on 09-Aug-2005 | Fun things to do on the first day of classThis is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
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| Posted by vanessa m. montes on 08-Aug-2005 | Potential RealityA boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, "Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality."
His dad says, "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars."
He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, "Dad, she said, 'Yes!".
"OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question."
A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. "Dad, she said, 'Yes!' also!"
His dad told him, "There you go."
His son looked at him, puzzled. "Dad I still don't understand."
"Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores."
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| Posted by William S. McDarmont on 12-Aug-2005 | Jonny GodeeperA teacher asked a boy named Jonny Godeeper to take out his math book,so he asked her to take off her shirt,she said OK.Then she asked him to take out his reading book,so he asked her to take off her pants,she said OK.Then she him to take out his science book,so he asked her to take off her bra,she said OK.Then she asked him to take out his art book,so he asked her to take off her underwere,she said OK.Then she asked him to take out his homework book,so he asked her if he could have sex with her,she said OK.Then the principal walked in and said\"JONNY GODEEPER!\"
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| Posted by leah on 11-Aug-2005 | Don't Know ShitTwo strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.
One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go
faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off
his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes
pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is
that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified
to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
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