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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs You'll Never Get a Star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame |
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| Posted by Katie F. on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You'll Never Get a Star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame15> Your only claim to fame ended when you found out that guy in the motel room wasn't really a director, but just a pizza delivery guy with a gold tooth, a camcorder, and a goat.
14> Your network vice-pres-- oh, I'm sorry... I'm not eligible for this one. I already HAVE a star.
13> Your greatest achievement to date? Twenty-seven arrests for public urination with no convictions. Oh, yeah... and Internet humor list contributor.
12> Appearances on 7-Eleven security cameras do not count as face time.
11> The committee frankly doesn't care about your record-setting wait in line for Episode 1.
10> The last time you were that close to wet cement, it involved "Tony the Fish" and the Hudson River.
9> You've already been given a gold star each time you completed the 28-day treatment program, Mr Downey.
8> In your last 87 roles, you've never been off of your knees.
7> Sure, Hollywood loves double-D breasts -- on a female.
6> "Starring role in a George Lucas movie" looks great on your resume, but the industry is oddly bereft of "Howard the Duck" nostalgia.
5> Your agent pitches you to studios as "the thinking man's Carrot Top."
4> Your one starring role was in a snuff film... and you couldn't even get *that* right, dammit!!!
3> That Ebert guy can't say your name without giggling.
2> You give your heart and soul to the industry, and all they ever talk about is "Vanna, Vanna, Vanna."
1> Dude, where's my star?
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Words We Should Add to the English Language |
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| Posted by phlegm on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Words We Should Add to the English Language14> anonymiss -- the act of forgetting someone's name immediately upon being introduced
13> crough -- to cough during a play or concert, causing other people around you to cough
12> jennamnesia -- to be so drunk as to forget you're the President's daughter
11> bobbityboo -- mental distress in males inspired by thoughts of surgically-removed penises
10> spaffle -- completely cooked waffle iron runoff
9> smealth -- the ability to secretly leave behind body odor in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters
8> algoria -- finding one's Day Planner suddenly very, very, open
7> massturbation -- group phone sex
6> dopplersation -- a discussion held by two people who are continuing to move away from each other
5> afterblow -- the compulsive need to review the contents of one's handkerchief following a good nose-blow
4> spillisecond -- the fraction of a second in which one may recover a toppled beverage before any liquid spills out
3> algebrassierism -- the compulsion to spend time in math class spelling "BOOBIES" on an upside-down calculator
2> doglet -- any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat
1> squee-squee -- the curved line on a windshield caused by a little nick in an old wiper blade
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Other Things McDonald's Hasn't Told You |
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| Posted by Fred A. Tisdale on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Other Things McDonald's Hasn't Told You16> The shakes? Also fried in beef fat.
15> Tell the vegetarians to brace themselves; we have some bad news about the salads.
14> Want to avoid beef fat altogether? Try our hamburgers.
13> Mayor McCheese has had five coronary bypass surgeries.
12> Burgers that don't sell after two days spend the rest of the month as "Filet-O-Fish."
11> The Hamburglar MUST dress like that because of Megan's Law.
10> McNuggets are shaped to honor the states with lenient meat-handling laws.
9> The reason we wear rubber gloves is for OUR protection, not yours.
8> The real Ronald McDonald died in 1969, trying to wrestle the controls of a small plane from an inebriated Hamburglar.
7> We never asked; we just assumed you'd prefer it lukewarm.
6> The Bible might be a series of allegorically instructive fables, rather than historically factual accounts.
5> You can McNugget almost anything and people still think it's chicken.
4> If our lawsuit succeeds, many Irish people will lose the first two letters of their surname, as did Hammer.
3> We modeled Ronald on a painting by John Wayne Gacy.
2> Actually, seeing you smile kind of creeps us out.
1> "Okay, you got us; there aren't really any salads back here."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Tricione on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Oprah Book Club Runners Up16> Yugo Girl: Auto Repair for Empowered Women
15> Rosie O'Donnell Can Kiss My Great Big Rich Ass
14> How to Amuse Your Inner Child By Swallowing Hand Puppets
13> Men Are from Mars, Women Are from -- Ooh, Mashed Potatoes!
12> TV Personalities Who Baffle Men, and the Women Who Love Them
11> Girlfriend, You Are Like, *SO* Co-Dependent!
10> The Clever, Unappreciated Woman Who Never Marries and Dies Poor and Alone
9> You Go, Oprah!: One Author's Desperate Attempt to Make His Mortgage Payments
8> Bad Shrinks, Good Surgeons: Learning to Love the Fat Ugly Loser You'll Always Be
7> You're Not Nearly as Repulsive as You Think
6> I'm OK, You Won't Make as Much in Your Lifetime as I Make During Lunch
5> Harry Potter and the Stunningly Successful, Worldly-Wise, Mature Yet Hauntingly Alluring Talk Show Goddess
4> I'm OK, You're Skanky Roadkill
3> Bridget Jones's Diarrhea
2> Beloved 2: Electric Boogaloo
1> I Know Why the Trapped, Rabid Wolverine Bites Her Leg Off
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Least Popular Charitable Organizations |
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| Posted by Sabby A. Gurrrl on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Least Popular Charitable Organizations16> Guys Named Steve Who Could Use a Couple Extra Bucks
15> The Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Retirement Fund
14> Institute of Obsessive-Compulsive Lawn Care Zealots
13> Green Piece
12> Rappers Without Retirement Plans
11> The Anna Nicole Smith Shelter for Temporarily Homeless Gold-digging Floozies
10> United Negro Hockey Fund
9> The March of Mimes
8> The George W. Bush Literacity Fund
7> Fart-Aid
6> Partnership for a Free-Drugs America
5> The Red Crotch
4> Amnesty International House of Pancakes
3> Americans United to Buy Me a Porsche
2> Konservative Khristian Kouncil
1> The Make-A-Whip Foundation
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Israel A. Vega on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You're Not a Very Good Cook15> Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the magazine -- Aviation Disaster Weekly.
14> Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.
13> Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.
12> Your leftovers don't have an expiration date... they have a half-life.
11> When no one's looking, the dog sneaks your food to his heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.
10> The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.
9> After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling for *chicken* eggs.
8> First day in the kitchen, your job was "toast the bread." Then you were downgraded to "cut the bread." Now it's simply "stop your bleeding."
7> You still can't figure out what the hell a "tiblisp" is.
6> The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe as a repair compound for leaky battleships.
5> After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.
4> The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.
3> Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking gray hair.
2> Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.
1> Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and proceeds to beat you with it.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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