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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs Your Personal Hygiene Efforts Are Insufficient |
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| Posted by Cam Jones on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Your Personal Hygiene Efforts Are Insufficient15> Your head lice have constructed condos and are beginning to sell time-shares.
14> Your dog cautiously rolls his flea collar across the room to you.
13> Not only do women say they'd rather be dead than sleep with you, two actually set themselves on fire to make their point.
12> The EPA declares your pants a toxic Superfund site.
11> Neighborhood children take great joy in writing "Please wash me!" in the filth on the back of your neck.
10> Each time you shower, the terror threat level goes down one color.
9> You've been permanently banned from the local fish market.
8> When you try to head the soccer ball, it just sticks there.
7> The good news: A co-worker politely tells you there's something in your beard.
The bad news: It's a bird's nest.
6> Pamela Anderson just dumped you for the garbage man.
5> That pesky Odor-Eaters marketing department guy keeps calling, claiming you can be "the Michael Jordan of smelly feet."
4> You're awakened from a sound sleep by your cat's valiant efforts to bury you.
3> Your soap doesn't just lather, it boils.
2> You easily thwart vampires with the garlic smell emanating from your underwear.
1> Congress is currently deadlocked on allowing oil drilling in the region they've dubbed "Jim's Ass Pimple #3."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Melanie Mudd on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Cities Named by Potheads16> Cannabismark, ND
15> Tallahashish, FL
14> Roachanoke, VA
13> Browniesville, TX
12> Toke-Yo, Japan
11> Stashville, TN
10> Sacremellow, CA
9> San Anstonio, TX
8> DudeYouJustTotallyJustThrewUpInMyHairrisburg, PA
7> Bong Kong, China
6> Galvistoned, TX
5> Whoamaha, NE
4> Wreckedjavik, Iceland
3> Munchie, IN
2> Hemphis, TN
1> Dorito, Ohigho
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs Your TV Weather Person Is Losing It |
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| Posted by YeLLoW SLiM ShAdY on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Your TV Weather Person Is Losing It16> "And if we look at the satellite picture we see this large cloud formation that looks like the Wicked Witch of the West. And look! This one looks like an elephant..."
15> Attempts to use the Doppler radar to catch speeding cars along the freeway.
14> The pointer she's using to draw attention to that high pressure cell over Kansas shouldn't vibrate, should it?
13> Ends every sentence with "...if the Dark Lord deems it acceptable."
12> Bogarts all the chili beans from the studio commissary's salad bar in preparation for his on-air demonstration of wind shear.
11> Shows up in an undershirt and replaces the "wind chill factor" with the "headlight factor."
10> Screams, "Yeah, but it's a DRY heat" when his leg gets humped during the pet adoption segment.
9> Wants everyone to think his *real* name is "Storm."
8> Her new "Doppler Radar Storm Tracker 2000" looks like an old microwave oven with some Hello Kitty stickers stuck on the door.
7> Sacrifices the sports guy to the Rain God -- but does it off-camera, dammit!
6> Still uses 10-10-321 even after you told him about 10-10-220.
5> Does the forecast without pants and apologizes for not being able to point to the temperatures north of the equator.
4> Actually thinks he can become a multi-millionaire late night TV talk show host.
3> "...Turning to the five-day forecast on our Doppler radar, we see the Monistat is really clearing up my yeast infection!"
2> Has begun mumbling, "If there's even gonna BE a tomorrow," after each forecast.
1> Weekend forecast calls for scattered showers and "a chance of love."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part I) |
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| Posted by Bess on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part I)16> "Those spike-heeled boots and that silk teddy accentuate your already stunning figure, Master Drill Sergeant, sir!!"
15> "An Amway-selling Scientologist? How fascinating! Come right on in."
14> "Falco! Dude, you gotta check out this Mozart record of my dad's! This guy rocks!"
13> "It's an excellent script, Mr. Lucas. Audiences will love it. Especially the floppy-eared thing with the pseudo-rasta accent."
12> "Dude, I dreamed I was at work naked, and you were there singing show tunes."
11> "Another goth vampire wannabe? Bite me!"
10> "Wouldn't like you when you're angry, Banner? I don't like you *now*, you little science dweeb! TITTIE TWISTER!"
9> "Your leg feels like the soft underbelly of a pike."
8> "What luck! I was afraid this audit was going to be for my *other* Social Security number!"
7> "Fifty bucks says I can stick my p*nis through that electric fence without touching the sides."
6> "Hey, for a laugh, let's trick those godless Americans into *thinking* we've got weapons of mass destruction when all we've really got are mountains of sand!"
5> "Are you kidding? I'd LOVE a prairie dog for my birthday!"
4> "Hey! Easy with the ruler, Mother Superior. That's my whackin' hand."
3> "I'm not paying to have it dry-cleaned -- it's from the Gap, for God's sake! Just put a little club soda on it and it'll come right out, Monica."
2> "Officer, would you like to hear my theory of the nightstick and how it compensates for undersized male genitalia?"
1> "Oh, right, like John Ashcroft has nothing better to do than listen in on a couple of potheads."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part II) |
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| Posted by Tiger Fly on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part II)16> "I'm voting for Nader. It won't make a difference in the election, but it'll definitely get the Democrats' attention."
15> "Surely the smartest, not the strongest, should lead. So you tell your Mr. Dover there's a *new* head of Cell Block D."
14> "Go ahead and marry her, Dad. I'm sure Anna Nicole really loves you."
13> "I'll bet a splash of Aqua Velva would feel refreshing on my newly shaved scrotum."
12> "Hey, if I'm going to get drunk and pass out, the safest place to do it is right here in my own frat house."
11> "Please, God, just let me pass this final and I promise I'll never smoke pot again as long as I live."
10> "Hey, Sean Penn! Say 'cheese!'"
9> "Man, being Martha Stewart's lawyer is boring. I wish something interesting would happen."
8> "Okay, fine! That dress *does* make your butt look big! Happy now, Ms. Bloated Water Retaining Menstrual Cramp?!?"
7> "Hey, man, let's celebrate tonight's concert by *all* of us getting Milli Vanilli tattoos!"
6> "No, Britney, I think we should wait until we're out of high school to have sex."
5> "Mr President, as Director of the CIA, I believe it's my responsibility to inform you that Saddam Hussein has been making fun of the way you pronounce the word 'nuclear.'"
4> "I bet your breasts would look great in zero gravity."
3> "We're sorry, Ms. Rowling, we just can't imagine this whole wizard thing catching on with today's kids."
2> "Free LASIK surgery done by medical students? Sweet!"
1> "Hey, this Starbucks place is pretty good! I wish they'd open up one in my house."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Theories Developed by Carl Sagan While Stoned |
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| Posted by Hysteria82 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Theories Developed by Carl Sagan While Stoned12> The period of rotation of Pulsar JC9270 totally synchs up with the drum solo in "In A Gadda Da Vida," man!
11> "Twinkies, Twinkies, little stars; seem so close, yet are so far."
10> The Theory of Munchitivity: At times, peanut butter is more valuable than gold.
9> The sensor casing from a mass spectrometer makes a handy roach clip.
8> "Some day, with all of our advances in science and technology, we'll be able to land a man on the sun."
7> The Big Bong Theory
6> If you took a hit while travelling at the speed of light, you'd get one major rush, dude.
5> Betty Crocker brownies > Duncan Hines brownies
4> "Theory of Joint Relativity": A complex quantum physics equation that proves that the more pot you smoke, the slower your automobile travels with you at the wheel.
3> Floyd rocks!
2> A single "You Are Here" sign will work EVERYwhere.
1> Wow, man! There are, like, a LOT of stars. There must be *hundreds* of 'em. Maybe even *thousands*. No, millions and millions! Wait -- I'm onto something here...
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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