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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs You're NOT the Funniest Person in America |
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| Posted by Candy Dee on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You're NOT the Funniest Person in America15> All your monologues begin with "Death to the infidels!"
14> Every time you start a "knock knock" joke, Simon Cowell pops out of the bushes and kicks you in the crotch.
13> You still can't understand why your "women are like vector calculus, but men are like tensor analysis" routine doesn't crack 'em up every time.
12> You're opening for Yakov Smirnoff. In Branson. For his Monday morning show.
11> You pioneered the joke format of Setup, Punch, Explanation, Apology.
10> Your Sam Kinnison impersonation not only failed to get you any laughs, it forced you to concede the democratic presidential bid to John Kerry.
9> The subject line of all your e-mails: "FWD: FWD: FWD: LOL!"
8> You're still working on that "Viagra rhymes with Niagara" gag you caught a teasing glimpse of two years ago.
7> Your copyrighted signature catch-phrase is "Get it?"
6> Although there's a humorous anecdote or two to be gleaned from forgetting to set your alarm clock and missing your flight, "Abu, the 20th Hijacker" keeps getting his ass kicked at open-mike night.
5> The trick boutonniere on your lapel is connected to your urinary catheter.
4> Your funniest bit involves snarky responses to a cease-and-desist letter from Worldwide Pants, but your attorney won't let you post it on your lame-ass Web site.
3> Your "watch me pull a baby out of this vagina" joke is just creepy.
2> Your new WB sitcom pilot was responsible for the first-ever Laugh Tracks Union strike.
1> Your "homage to Gallagher" involves a huge mallet and live puppies.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Signs You're the Unluckiest Person on Earth |
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| Posted by Anita Bath on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs You're the Unluckiest Person on Earth14> Your first major coup as VP of marketing at Gap Kids was to sign Michael Jackson to a 10-year deal.
13> You were married to a drunk Britney Spears for seven hours and still didn't get any.
12> Sure, your unit captured Saddam -- but guess who had to do the body cavity search?
11> The officer might have stopped after citing you for DUI, drug possession and public nudity had his daughter not fallen out of your back seat.
10> It turns out that great new government job you landed last year only pays you for the WMD you actually find.
9> You choked to death on pudding.
8> You find a four-leaf clover by the side of the hiking trail, but you can't pick it because an angry grizzly bear just tore off both of your arms.
7> You supported the 2000 Gore campaign from the money you got selling your Halliburton shares.
6> You followed your friend's advice, despite it being both difficult *and* illegal, yet your new rabbi's foot hasn't changed your fortunes one bit.
5> You and Adam Sandler can't be in the same room for fear of causing a cataclysmic explosion.
4> Your diet candy, Ayds, mysteriously hit the skids in the '80s, but now you're on the comeback trail, marketing a zesty new soda called Sarr's.
3> At the end of your rainbow, you find an empty pot surrounded by leprechauns passed out in pools of whisky vomit.
2> It's been almost a year, but you still haven't received any royalty checks for your best-selling autobiography, "12-Time Identity Theft Victim."
1> There may be only a few months remaining for you to enjoy the sweet scents of innocent youth -- and your nose keeps falling off.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Signs You Live in the World's Dumbest Town |
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| Posted by Pat Kingsley on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs You Live in the World's Dumbest Town15> Mayor Ryan Seacrest emcees the yearly Village Idiot festival.
14> You celebrate the Fourth of July in May, when the weather is nicer.
13> Anyone can easily bypass security at City Hall by dressing like Mayor McCheese.
12> The high school valedictorian? Jessica Simpson.
11> The locals don't believe in the teaching of education in the schools.
10> Schools and offices close on the third Monday in January to commemorate "Billie Jean King Day."
9> Revitalization hopes seem to be pinned on the planned TopFive Stadium.
8> Despite protests from the community theater folks, the city council recently banned thespian weddings.
7> The town's pride and joy: the world's only aquatic sports center/waste treatment plant.
6> Standardized tests suggest that the entire population does disgusting things with pencils.
5> Half the citizens are still preparing for Y2K, "just in case."
4> Despite 857 deaths in the past decade, St. Patrick's Day is still celebrated by leaving all the traffic lights on green.
3> Town stationery bears the official slogan: "Proud Birthplace of Woody Harrelson."
2> In the 2000 presidential election, the entire population mistakenly cast their votes for Rutherford B. Hayes.
1> This week's double feature at the Bijou: "Dumb and Dumber" and "Dumb and Dumber."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by scott m on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Surprises at the Oscars15> Not only is he devastatingly handsome, Eugene Levy can sing, too!
14> Charlize Theron announces that in "Monster 2," she'll play the dress that was eating Uma Thurman.
13> Three of the five "Queer Eye" guys have strokes when they see Peter Jackson.
12> Billy Crystal shows he has bigger boobs than Renee Zellweger.
11> The ugly catfight when Johnny Depp tries to get his outfit back from Diane Keaton.
10> Price Waterhouse divulges that Roman Polanski tried to vote for Keisha Castle-Hughes multiple times.
9> Although he couldn't make it to the awards, Nemo was resting comfortably in the Flipper wing of the Betty Ford Clinic.
8> In a special live broadcast from San Francisco, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon finally tie the knot.
7> The New Zealand mafia somehow got to Price Waterhouse!
6> Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon receives a lifetime achievement award.
5> A tearful Peter Jackson thanks his brother, Samuel L.
4> The ghost of Gene Siskel repeatedly knocks the Raisinets out of Roger Ebert's hands.
3> The only exposed boob in sight? Keanu Reeves.
2> Oprah Winfrey gets caught slipping away from her seat to buy Girl Scout cookies from Jack Nicholson's date.
1> Covering the red carpet for Peoria's public access channel 58? Ben and Jen!
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day |
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| Posted by WhaWhitney on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day25> "No cover sheet on your expense report? Prepare yerself to be walking the plank, matey."
24> "Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break room for plunderin'."
23> "Sixteen men an' a copier mess -- yo, ho, ho and a bottle of toner."
22> "Avast, men! Get a telescope full of the doubloons on *that* vessel."
21> "I'll be keelhaulin' the next one of ye what leaves ye filthy Tupperware in the break room sink!"
20> "Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we'll one day partake of noontime grub together."
19> "No, Bob, I will not 'shiver your timbers.' I will, however, call my attorney."
18> "To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be ours, to each in a fortieth share!"
17> "Me cell phone fell deep into Davy Jones' locker! Nobody flush... I'll go get me hook."
16> "Save that last donut for me, unless ya care to feel the cold steel of my hook hand up yer arse, matey."
15> "Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes upon me?"
14> "Fax ahoy, mateys!"
13> "Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule's port bow! Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed!"
12> "No increase in me pay? Arrr, boss, let me tell ye where ye can store that hook!"
11> "Hold that elevator, ye whoreson bilge rat!"
10> "Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin' a reboot first? Arrr! It's the plank for you, ye mangy cur... and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!"
9> "Arrr, load the Canon, wench, and collate me copies!"
8> "Avast, ya scurvy knave! Brave be ye, for certain, but arrr ye willin' ta die fer that parking spot?"
7> "Twenty paces past the Magic Fountain of Water... bear ye left past the Chamber of Meetings... and a minute's voyage down the Great Carpeted Hallway... the unisex bathroom'll be on yer port side."
6> "Aye, if it's a large treasure chest and amazin' booty ye seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist."
5> "Boss, I'll be borrowin' a coupla doubloons from petty cash fer some Ho Ho's and a bottle of rum."
4> "Aaaarrrrrghhh! Who among us floated the air mead?"
3> "Arrr! I've arrr!anged for Arrr!lene in arrr!chives to send up that arrr!ticle on arrr!bitration."
2> "Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!"
1> "Arrr, I have made note of yer demands and I have but one question for ye: Will ye be wantin' slivers o' potato fried in the popular French style with that?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Quotes We Wish Were in the "Lord of the Rings" Movies |
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| Posted by Hyper Tin on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Quotes We Wish Were in the "Lord of the Rings" Movies
15> "Say my name, dwarf!"
14> "Look, Sam, my name isn't *Mr.* Frodo -- it's Frodo. Mr. Baggins if you're nasty."
13> "You had me at 'Aiya vanima.'"
12> "Nice work killing that Orc, faithful friend, but still it twitches. Slay it again, Sam!"
11> "I. Don't. Like. The. Leggings. Drying. On. The. Rod!"
10> "It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that ring... doo-wah-tee-wah, doo-wah-tee-wah, doo-wah-tee-wah!"
9> "Brethren of Gondor, we are gathered here to join Arwen Evenstar and Aragorn, son of Arathorn, in holy matrimony. Frodo, do you have the ring?"
8> "Elvens have left the building."
7> "Attention, audience: Fair Arwen is speaking, so you may all relax, as nothing important will take place. The next 10 minutes would be an excellent time to go pee."
6> "Legolas my Eggolas!"
5> "Go not by that path, Aragorn! For my young companion Osment sees dead people!"
4> "Smeagol, do you like movies about gladiators?"
3> "You sure you ain't never been just a wee bit curious, Mr. Frodo?"
2> "Ha! Let the dark armies of Saruman come! It would take an entire brigade of giant mutant four-tusked elephants to conquer our... well, son of a bitch!"
1> "Run, forest, run!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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