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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Stock Broker |
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| Posted by Jena M. Graham on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Stock Broker15> "...and the best part about this Internet company you've invested in is that their list is *actually* 15 items -- that's like a 33% discount!"
14> "Allow me to illustrate: Suppose this ceramic coffee mug here represent your high tech portfolio and this cast iron paperweight the current economic trends..."
13> "No, I don't mean it's time to sell eBay, I mean it's time to sell everything you own *on* eBay."
12> "Oops, I had these charts upside down!"
11> "Can I call you right back? I've got my bankruptcy attorney holding on the other line."
10> "I know you said to buy Wal-Mart, but that little sock puppet doggie was just *so* cute..."
9> "I always forget... is 'bull' the good one or the bad one?"
8> "Enough about stocks. Do you know how much money you can make in black market kidney sales?"
7> "I don't understand -- this plan worked beautifully when they did it on 'The Sopranos.'"
6> "Please don't hang up -- I'm only allowed one call..."
5> "First, the good news: you won't have any problems with capital gains taxes this year..."
4> "I recommend rolling your last $100 into a blanket, a shopping cart and a case of Night Train."
3> "Your position in the market? Bent over, grabbing your ankles."
2> "I can't talk long -- I'm on my cell phone and the pavement is coming up *really* fast now..."
1> "So then I said, 'What the hell is a margin call?'"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by _Clio_ on 08-Aug-2005 | Naughty legal phrasesTop Ten Legal Phrases That Sound Dirtier Than They Really Are:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
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| Posted by Tar on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
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| Posted by Suki on 09-Aug-2005 | A BBS Commandment4. Honor thy SysOp.
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| Posted by Matt Der on 08-Aug-2005 | How Chinese People name their kidsHow do chinese people name their kids?
Throw a fork at the wall and name their kid after the sound.
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| Posted by Michael Gailling on 14-Aug-2005 | Only in America...Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
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