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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies |
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| Posted by Sarah Clayton on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies15> To Kill A Walking Bird
14> My Best Friend's Dressing
13> Thighs Wide Shut
12> The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
11> Casserolablanca
10> The Fabulous Baster Boys
9> 12 Hungry Men
8> Silence of the Yams
7> For Love of The Game Hen
6> I Know What You Ate Last Winter
5> All the President's Menu
4> White Meat Can't Jump
3> When Harry Met Salad
2> The Story of U.S.
1> The Wing and I
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Benjin on 13-Aug-2005 | I think Santa Claus is a WomanI hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they with amazing calm call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possible be a man: - Men can't pack a bag
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly"
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men..... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But no St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song", it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is... I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
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():holiday jokes (333): Things not to say on your Valentine's date |
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| Posted by Grainne J. Whelan on 13-Aug-2005 | Things not to say on your Valentine's date* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
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| Posted by Sarah Rebeca on 13-Aug-2005 | The Gift That Keeps on GivingRoy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin.
Now Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.
Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year. The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel.
The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.
Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.
Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches. "Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."
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| Posted by Steven Strazzulla on 13-Aug-2005 | The Marv Albert Christmas Song(sung to the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" --go ahead, SING):
Lacy things, the wife is missin',
Didn't ask her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk panty hose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the store, there's a teddy,
Little straps, like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,
He'll say "Are you Ready", I'll say "Whoa, Man!"
Let's wait until our wives are out of town.
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
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| Posted by Patty M on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Signs Your Mall has a Bad Santa10. Instead of saying, "Ho-Ho-Ho," he hollers "Oy vey!"
9. He asks the mothers if they want to sit on his lap.
8. Resume includes appearing as Santa in "Naughty, Naughty Girls."
7. You recognize him as a former NFL star doing Community Service hours.
6. He complains that the food court has no whiskey.
5. He refers to the wishing fountain as his "tip jar."
4. He won't talk to the kids without conferring with his lawyer.
3. He asks the kids to leave him milk and crack.
2. He Replaces Joe Camel as the new Camel cigarettes spokesman.
1. Before the kids sit on his lap he orders the elves to frisk them.
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