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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends |
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| Posted by Crissie D. Craig on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends15> Now which one of you is the backstabbing slut and which is the brainless gossip who doesn't know when to shut up?14> Outfitting the guest room in style: Smoked-glass mirrored headboard on the queen-sized waterbed and 90-thread-count NASCAR sheets.13> Frisking them for weapons every half hour.12> Offering to help the guys repaint their living room a color that's a little less gay.11> Relying too heavily on the purty mouth family of comments.10> Staring down their blouses while saying in a low voice, You got any biscuits in there?9> Surprising his buddies by bringing out a lovely Super Bowl halftime luncheon of pickled okra and watercress finger sandwiches. On Hello Kitty plates.8> Shooting Jodie Foster.7> Nice try, there, sweetheart -- but let me show you how we professionals roll a burrito down at Taco Bell.6> Look, can we skip all this small talk and just get down to doing shots? I don't know how much longer I can stand you all sober.5> No, we haven't had sex yet -- or as we call it in Klingon, 'nga'chug.'4> When playing charades, pointing emphatically at one of them as your clue, then revealing that the secret phrase was butt-ugly conniving money-hungry skank-ass ho.3> Singing the lyrics to Styx songs in pig Latin.2> Privately confiding you've been knocking at her back door, but she won't answer.1> Presenting them all with friendship bracelets woven from your own pubic hair. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up |
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| Posted by K T. C on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up
16> They've begun moving into the basements of their parents' retirement homes.
15> 7-Eleven now offering early-bird specials on Jolt Cola and microwave
burritos.
14> Raves now start at 5 p.m. and break up by 9 p.m. -- just in time for "The
West Wing."
13> "Doom IV" now officially an Olympic event.
12> Ross and Rachel have moved to rural Vermont and are solving petty crimes
with Sheriff Tom Bosley in the new series, "Old Friends."
11> "MTV's Real World: Suburban Omaha."
10> They're trading in their mosh-pit bangings for Sunday afternoon games of
no-contact, non-competitive Ultimate Frisbee.
9> A panicky Larry King quickly learns to kiss Tony Hawk's ass.
8> Out: Stone Temple Pilots. In: Tso Temple Pilates.
7> The playlist this morning on your dentist's Muzak system: Fugazi, Pearl Jam,
Nirvana and Green Day.
6> Out: Goth 24/7. In: Roth 401(k).
5> Getting sex more than twice a week now qualifies as an "Xtreme" event.
4> New Mountain Dew Code Blue
3> Then: acid-washed denim. Now: acid-washed duodenum.
2> All those gray goatees are giving you a permanent KFC jones.
1> They're ready to FIGHT for their RIGHT to PUDDING.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Jr Sand on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 16 Signs You're in a Pauly Shore Movie16. Your "Will Act For Food" sign was evidently misread as "Will Act For Fool."
15. You can trace your character's lineage directly back to Spicoli in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
14. All you were told is that you got a part in a movie, and you play someone more inane than Pauly Shore.
13. You're irritating, marginally coherent, and comically dressed, yet chicks are diggin' you.
12. You have numerous sex scenes, but your only speaking line is "Baaaa!"
11. Screen test for part consisted of humiliating fraternity prank involving a hot dog and a flight of stairs.
10. The director asks you, Jim Carrey, Gilbert Gottfried, and Tim Conway to "dumb it down just a little more."
9. Your body contains more silicon than Deep Blue.
8. You bet your agent that she couldn't cast you in anything stupider than the "Ernest" series.
7. No male actors over 5' 4".
6. You work with your acting coach for weeks to totally nail down the inner character of "Totally Harsh Dude #2."
5. 20% of budget set aside for "breaking wind" sound effects.
4. After a day's shooting, you're beaten senseless in an alley by an enraged Siskel & Ebert.
3. All the extras cover their faces like prisoners on the 6 o'clock news.
2. You're surrounded by brilliant Shakespearean actors, all of whom have balloon payments due on their beach houses.
1. Daisy Fuentes co-stars as the President of the United States.
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():top list jokes (540): 30 more things we have learned from the movies |
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| Posted by Jo Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | 30 more things we have learned from the movies1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
10. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
11. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
12. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
13. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
14. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
15. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
16. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
17. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
19. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
20. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
26. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
27. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
28. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
29. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
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| Posted by Make Me A. Laugh on 14-Aug-2005 | New Year's ResolutionsBill Clinton: "I resolve, as the number one priority for my second term as president, to direct funding towards necessary land expansion at Mount Rushmore, so I can have my shit-eating grin up there with the big boys."
Newt Gingrich: "I resolve to never again be photographed carrying a bag of garbage out to the front curb, as the general public might get the unfortunate impression that I am a fraternal twin."
Ross Perot: "I resolve to get lost."
OJ Simpson: "I could not, would not, did not, resolve anything last year, nor do I plan to do so this year."
Elmo: "I resolve to stop giggling every time a flock of crazed housewives practically strangle each other in an attempt to tickle me."
Elvis: "I resolve to continue being dead."
Al Franken: "I resolve to stop playing touch football on the beach every year with President Clinton, because I'm good enough and people like me for who I am."
Madonna: "I resolve to wake up each morning, look at myself in the mirror, and scream, "Viva la Argentina!"
Michael Jackson: "I resolve to fully enjoy fatherhood, just as I've enjoyed big brotherhood and all the ensuing legal settlements."
Larry King: "I resolve to stop being so damned pensive all the time."
Eleanor Roosevelt: "I resolve to let my answering machine pick up whenever Hillary or Dionne Warwick calls."
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Least Watched Discovery Channel Specials |
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| Posted by Jack O. Farrelly on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Least Watched Discovery Channel Specials15. "Show me the documentary! -- The Life Cycle of Catch-Phrases"
14. "Hitler: The Man Who Ruined the Box Mustache"
13. "Tasteful American Architecture -- A Termite's Point of View"
12. "Drizzle: More Than Fog, Less Than Rain"
11. "Stalking the Juice Tiger"
10. "We Were What We Ate: Coprolites Through the Ages"
9. "Phases of the Moon: Fraternity Behavior through the Ages"
8. "The Proud, Predictable Hippos of Disney's Jungle Cruise"
7. "PBS -- Threat or Menace?"
6. "Weapons of Literary War: The Witty Zinger and the Pithy Barb"
5. "Nature's Clueless: The Wives of Larry King"
4. "Evolution: Fact, or Darwin Talkin' Out His Ass?"
3. "That One Fly That Sits on the 7-Eleven Donut All Day"
2. "The Vastness of Space: A Trip Between the Ears of Jenny McCarthy"
1. "Boogers!"
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