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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends |
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| Posted by Crissie D. Craig on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends15> Now which one of you is the backstabbing slut and which is the brainless gossip who doesn't know when to shut up?14> Outfitting the guest room in style: Smoked-glass mirrored headboard on the queen-sized waterbed and 90-thread-count NASCAR sheets.13> Frisking them for weapons every half hour.12> Offering to help the guys repaint their living room a color that's a little less gay.11> Relying too heavily on the purty mouth family of comments.10> Staring down their blouses while saying in a low voice, You got any biscuits in there?9> Surprising his buddies by bringing out a lovely Super Bowl halftime luncheon of pickled okra and watercress finger sandwiches. On Hello Kitty plates.8> Shooting Jodie Foster.7> Nice try, there, sweetheart -- but let me show you how we professionals roll a burrito down at Taco Bell.6> Look, can we skip all this small talk and just get down to doing shots? I don't know how much longer I can stand you all sober.5> No, we haven't had sex yet -- or as we call it in Klingon, 'nga'chug.'4> When playing charades, pointing emphatically at one of them as your clue, then revealing that the secret phrase was butt-ugly conniving money-hungry skank-ass ho.3> Singing the lyrics to Styx songs in pig Latin.2> Privately confiding you've been knocking at her back door, but she won't answer.1> Presenting them all with friendship bracelets woven from your own pubic hair. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up |
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| Posted by K T. C on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up
16> They've begun moving into the basements of their parents' retirement homes.
15> 7-Eleven now offering early-bird specials on Jolt Cola and microwave
burritos.
14> Raves now start at 5 p.m. and break up by 9 p.m. -- just in time for "The
West Wing."
13> "Doom IV" now officially an Olympic event.
12> Ross and Rachel have moved to rural Vermont and are solving petty crimes
with Sheriff Tom Bosley in the new series, "Old Friends."
11> "MTV's Real World: Suburban Omaha."
10> They're trading in their mosh-pit bangings for Sunday afternoon games of
no-contact, non-competitive Ultimate Frisbee.
9> A panicky Larry King quickly learns to kiss Tony Hawk's ass.
8> Out: Stone Temple Pilots. In: Tso Temple Pilates.
7> The playlist this morning on your dentist's Muzak system: Fugazi, Pearl Jam,
Nirvana and Green Day.
6> Out: Goth 24/7. In: Roth 401(k).
5> Getting sex more than twice a week now qualifies as an "Xtreme" event.
4> New Mountain Dew Code Blue
3> Then: acid-washed denim. Now: acid-washed duodenum.
2> All those gray goatees are giving you a permanent KFC jones.
1> They're ready to FIGHT for their RIGHT to PUDDING.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Rejected Advertising Slogans for Summer Movies |
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| Posted by Wrench Oh Six Two Six on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Rejected Advertising Slogans for Summer Movies16. The X-Files: "The Merchandise is Out There."
15. Can't Hardly Wait: "**** - Pedophile Weekly"
14. The Horse Whisperer: "Filmed in Glorious Viagra-Rama"
13. Almost Heroes: "Almost Watchable!"
12. Godzilla: "His turds are bigger than your Winnebago."
11. The Horse Whisperer: "It's like 'The Electric Horseman', but this time Bob's only stunts involve bladder control."
10. Saving Private Ryan: "Serious-Schindler-Spielberg, Not Cool-Dinosaurs-Spielberg."
9. The Horse Whisperer: "Just keepin' the chicks happy between asteroids."
8. Hope Floats: "Never mind the Sex Pistols; here's the Bullock"
7. Godzilla: "The last time a film sucked this much, Traci Lords was in it."
6. 6 Days, 7 Nights: "Try to guess what Anne Heche is thinking about while she kisses Harrison Ford!"
5. The Horse Whisperer: "Take Your Woman To See This, And She'll Owe You Sex For Months!"
4. Black Dog: "No one with a three digit IQ admitted without a country & western singer."
3. The X-Files: "Like you could stay away if you tried, Nerd Boy!"
2. He Got Game: "But he ain't got passing SAT scores!"
1. A Perfect Murder: "Two Thumbs Up! - O.J."
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| Posted by Charles W. Menge on 14-Aug-2005 | Confucious"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam."
"Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."
"Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Work to become, not to acquire."
"Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."
"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."
"Find old man in dark, not hard!"
"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
"Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose."
"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."
"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."
"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser."
"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Confucius say too God damn much!"
"Those who quote me are fools."
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"
"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"
"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"
"War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
"Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"
"Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth."
"Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag."
"Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face."
"Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly."
"Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night"
"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."
"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok"
"Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time."
"Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent
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| Posted by Rachel E. Winograd on 14-Aug-2005 | Things to do at Wal-Mart1. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 (or Code Brown) in Swimwear," and see what happens,
2. Turn all the radios to a polka station; then turn all of them off and crank the volume to "10".
3. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
4. Put M&M's on layaway.
5. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from Bed & Bath.
7. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
8. TP as much of the store as possible.
9. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone"?
10.Take an entire aisle of toys up by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-men.
11.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
12.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
13.Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
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():top list jokes (540): 30 more things we have learned from the movies |
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| Posted by Jo Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | 30 more things we have learned from the movies1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
8. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
9. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
10. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
11. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
12. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
13. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
14. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
15. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
16. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
17. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
19. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
20. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
22. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
25. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
26. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
27. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
28. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
29. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
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