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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Ways to Describe How Someone Likes Their Coffee |
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| Posted by Tim Brand on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Ways to Describe How Someone Likes Their Coffee15> He likes his Irish coffee like he likes his women: loaded with whiskey.
14> He likes his coffee like he likes his strippers: scalding hot and in his lap.
13> He likes his coffee like a major league catcher likes his privates: in a large, strong cup.
12> I like my coffee like I like my recently deceased Chihuahua: stored in the freezer to lock in freshness.
11> He likes his coffee like a baby likes fruit juice in a bottle: sweet, spill-resistant and something to occupy the mouth when no naked breasts are around.
10> I like my coffee like I like surrealist humor: giraffe.
9> He likes his coffee like he likes his one-night stands: stale, bitter, smoking like a chimney, with a butt-ugly mug.
8> I like my coffee like I like my women: hot. Of course, the difference is I can actually *get* hot coffee.
7> I like my coffee like I like my meddlesome neighbors: ground into tiny bits.
6> She likes her coffee like divorce attorneys like their clients: very rich, very bitter and with lots of grounds.
5> I like my coffee like I like my sex: cheap and frothy, from a girl in a green apron.
4> I like my coffee like Jacko likes his playmates: sweet, aged 8 years and covered with half-and-half.
3> He likes his coffee like he likes his flatulence: made from the finest beans, rich enough to smell from across the room and satisfying to the last "Ah-h-h-h!"
2> She likes her coffee like she likes her Iraqi information ministry: chock full o' nuts.
1> I like my coffee like Maria Myerson, a girl in fifth grade who gave every boy except me a Valentine, even though I had written her love poems in my own blood every day -- ruining me for life, that ungrateful skank prosti-- um, sorry... cold, with a bitter aftertaste.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Jay Leenerts on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs the Glass Is Half Empty14> Your uncle passed away and named you as the sole heir -- to his dotcom stock.
13> You've written some of the world's greatest slams of Carrot Top, but Carrot Top himself is probably humping a model in the back of his Escalade somewhere in Malibu right *now*.
12> Despite your thirst, you can't even drink the half that's there, due to your biohazard mask.
11> Your wife finally agrees to have cosmetic surgery -- for breast *reduction*.
10> Olsen twins' "wetland areas" are "now open for drilling," but the girls aren't interested in your tubby old ass.
9> You ask your Magic 8-Ball 1,000 questions and get the same answer 1,000 times: "Prospects look dim."
8> You finally confirmed that it's your wife, not you, who is infertile -- by impregnating your mistress.
7> Getting that Ph.D. in physics dimmed your hopes of traveling back in time to nail Lana Turner.
6> You got everyone to hate the French even more than they already did, but the U.N. still won't vote to let you invade Paris.
5> Ringo is still alive.
4> Your wife's conservatism in the bedroom seemed quaintly charming until you saw her in an ad for the "Freakbang '02" video.
3> Your grandparents admit that you have it tougher than they ever did.
2> You've found a top-notch chef just in time for the grand opening of your new restaurant, "Vive La France."
1> You drop into your escape tunnel under the palace just in time to hear Alan Jackson music coming from the other end.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Dan Smee on 14-Aug-2005 | Some favorite Redundancies* added bonus
* exactly right
* closed fist
* future potential
* inner core
* money-back refund
* seeing the sights
* true fact
* revert back
* safe haven
* prior history
* young children
* time period
* sum total
* end result
* temper tantrum
* ferryboat
* free gift
* bare naked
* combined total
* unique individual
* potential hazard
* joint cooperation
* total abstinence
* subject matter
* honest truth
* join together
* general public
* harbinger of things to come
* new initiative
* audible gasp
* advance warning
* execution-style killing
* future plans
* gather together
* lag behind
* manual dexterity
* occasional irregularity
* outer rim
* plan ahead
* basic fundamentals
* first time ever
* personal friend
* shrug one's shoulders
* bond together
* close proximity
* ATM machine (it stands for automatic teller MACHINE)
* PIN number (it stands for personal identification NUMBER)
* coequal
* common bond
* small minority
* serious crisis
* personal belongings
* security guard
* time clock
* foreign imports
* exact same
* continue on
* focus on
* convicted felon
* past experience
* consensus of opinion
* finished product
* schoolteacher
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| Posted by Father Baker on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs Your Invention Is a Failure14> You ask your robot caddy for a sand wedge and it hands you a tuna on rye.
13> The taste tests went well, and "SARS BARS" rhymed and everything...
12> Even Ralph Kramden turned you down for financing.
11> Your "Windshield Vaseline," while it does make the road look younger, has unfortunate side effects.
10> Your best remaining hope for commercialization: "Miller's Genuine Cold Fusion Draft."
9> It's hard to unfold a chocolate umbrella.
8> Two years later, and there are *still* no Segway-only traffic lanes.
7> "Watson, come here; I'm bleeding!"
6> Public debate regarding gun control aside, there simply is no ready market for your "Salad Stunner."
5> Despite the celebrity tie-in, your freezers are crammed with unsold "Gary Burghoff Frozen Gourmet Dinners."
4> Your "Kiwi Karving Kit" continues to be badly outsold at Halloween by those damn pumpkin traditionalists.
3> By law, you must print "Patent Forcibly Declined" on your invention.
2> Your product's catch phrase is: "Set it, read pages 11 through 26 in the owner's manual, and forget it!"
1> In hindsight, labeling your item as "Small enough to fit inside a hollowed-out human head!" might not have been the best marketing decision.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Rachel E. Winograd on 14-Aug-2005 | Things to do at Wal-Mart1. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 (or Code Brown) in Swimwear," and see what happens,
2. Turn all the radios to a polka station; then turn all of them off and crank the volume to "10".
3. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
4. Put M&M's on layaway.
5. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from Bed & Bath.
7. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
8. TP as much of the store as possible.
9. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone"?
10.Take an entire aisle of toys up by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-men.
11.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
12.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
13.Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
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| Posted by Charles W. Menge on 14-Aug-2005 | Confucious"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam."
"Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."
"Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Work to become, not to acquire."
"Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."
"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."
"Find old man in dark, not hard!"
"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
"Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose."
"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."
"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."
"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser."
"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Confucius say too God damn much!"
"Those who quote me are fools."
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"
"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"
"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"
"War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
"Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"
"Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth."
"Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag."
"Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face."
"Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly."
"Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night"
"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."
"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok"
"Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time."
"Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent
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